


You are My Sunshine

by RvnDKWood



Series: Sunshine [2]
Category: Jak and Daxter
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Attempt at Humor, Blow Jobs, Dear god someone hug these children, Depression, Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Fantastic Racism, Fuckbuddies, Gang Violence, Jak needs a hug, Lots of Sex, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Poor Jak, Power Bottom Torn, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Safer Sex, Self-Esteem Issues, Sex Toys, Sexual Humor, The Author Regrets Nothing, Torn needs a hug, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unsafe Sex, lots of confusing feelings, the author should be flogged
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-02-10 22:46:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 61,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12921813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RvnDKWood/pseuds/RvnDKWood
Summary: SUMMARY REVISED 12/13/2018This is a continuation of my story "Sunshine", and if you haven't read it, please do. The story will be a bit confusing if you don't.Torn is perfectly content with ignoring his problems.  Wars...rebellions...and meaningless sex. These three ingredients have created a potent elixir in which he could drown his regrets and silence his inner demons.But there are no wars now...no rebellions...and sex is no longer enough to distract him.In his desperation to avoid cleaning the infection he built up all these years, he acts on an impulse and makes a mistake that plunges him too far in a pit of lies and deceit...and he may never find a way out..





	1. The other night dear, as I lay sleeping

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so if you haven't read "Sunshine" yet, then shame on you!! You honestly only need to read like the last paragraph to get all the story points.
> 
> Anyways, without further stalling, here's my continuation of "Sunshine". Please leave comments and let me know what you think. I'll accept any form of criticism as long as it's not "U SUC" or "THEY AREN'T GAY YOU FUCKING FUJOSHI!!" It's fanfiction.....get over it. I'm literally only doing this for practice and my own personal amusement. SO BE NICE!!!

 

The burst of cold air was a nice welcome home as Torn entered his apartment. As he glanced around his plain, scarcely decorated flat, all the stress from pouring over tedious permits and security issues melted away. The first thing he did after locking his door was head to the bathroom and wash the plug he used earlier to hold in Jinx’s semen.

 

_After he was so polite to fucking cum inside me._

 It was a bitch, but he managed to sneak down to the public restrooms during his next break and empty most of the trapped jizz in the toilet…keyword, _most_. He made a mental note to have a private bathroom set up in his office, so he could properly clean himself out after his “breaks”.

 

  _If Jinx is going to keep “forgetting” to wear a fucking condom, I’m gonna need a place to clean myself out afterwards. I am NOT using those damn public restrooms on the first level again!  Not until Ashe hires a fucking janitor._

His stomach lurched in discomfort as the small amount of cum that managed to get WAY up inside him finally made its way out and began dripping down his inner thigh; Torn felt his eye twitch in response.

 

_Next time I’ll make that sonofabitch clean me out with his fucking tongue._

 He sighed, body slumping slightly from exhaustion. It was a pain in the ass to fix that jizzed-on document, and Kal was an amazing secretary/lieutenant who probably needs a raise…badly.

 

**_“Ya need to stop doin’ this, Torn. Fuckin’ around with people ya don’t care for. It aint good for ya.”_ **

****

Torn felt a twinge of pain in his abdominals as what Jinx has said, or rather yelled, bounced around in his head like Daxter after too much coffee.

 

**_“You NEED to get out of this loveless relationship with Ashe before ya both get hurt, and ya need to take a chance with Jak.”_ **

****

What the fuck did Jinx know about relationships!? He fucked around just as much as Torn did. At least Torn’s only fucking **TWO** people, _scratch that, three._ And so what if he hates being “involved” with Ashelin? It’s normal for a guy and girl who are THAT close to eventually settle down. Torn may have been a bit “wild” in his youth, and sure he may need a cock in his ass on a regular basis to feel alive, _or feel anything,_ but that doesn’t mean he can’t eventually happily settle down with his long time best friend and current girlfriend.

 

This whole “attraction to men” was only ever influenced by teenage hormones. Eventually, his body will calm down and he’ll start feeling the attraction to Ashelin that should’ve been there years ago.

 

_That’s right, I’m just going through a phase…_

_…a 15 year phase…_

 

**_“If you would just open up to him and honestly admit to yerself that ya like him, then maybe he’ll actually feel the same, and you can finally let yerself BE HAPPY!”_ **

****

…….

****

_Who am I kidding?_ Torn dragged a hand over his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as the truth began to shine.

 

He was miserable with Ashelin.

 

It wasn’t her fault. She is a wonderful girlfriend and any guy would be blessed to have her. She isn’t overly demanding, and even though she requests dates and sex, it isn’t very often. In fact, she’s actually given Torn a lot of space, which only adds to the guilt he feels for being so dishonest with her. Torn didn’t have any reason to be unfulfilled with her, except that he couldn’t see a life with her.

 

_But could I see one with Jak?_

_Like I thought I saw one with E-_

Torn stood and stripped out of his uniform, throwing it in the hamper before turning on the shower and stepping under the spray. He needed a distraction in the form of boiling hot liquid burning his skin, before any unpleasant thoughts surface. He cranked the heat as high as it would go, hoping the searing water would keep those memories at bay. He quickly undid the ties that adorned his dreads and pulled the soft, chestnut  strands away from the spray for the time being. As the hot water beat into his skin, and the building fog enveloped him, he came to a conclusion, _maybe Jinx has a point. This thing with Ashelin is never going to go anywhere, and even if it does, it’ll just end badly…for both of us._

As he was brought back to reality, Torn turned the heat down to a lukewarm temperature so he could clean his hair. He grabbed his special shampoo and gently worked the cleaner against his scalp, taking care not to unravel the thick locks.

 

After deciding that he was sufficiently clean, inside and out, He stepped out and wrapped a towel around his waist. Looking in the mirror once, he already saw the ends of his dreads begin to curl upward and  a few loose strands stick out mockingly. He sighed in defeat, he was never able to get his hair to do what he wanted, which was why he always had dreads, and even then his hair still gave him shit.

 

_Curse of having Icelandian genes I guess…_

 

He grabbed a smaller towel and squeezed out the wet strands a bit before allowing them to air dry. The dreads always looked nicer after being cleaned, full and shiny, which was something he would never be able to achieve with any other hairstyle.

 

Moving into his bedroom, he changed into an oversized T-shirt that always managed to slide off one shoulder, _much to his annoyance_ , and his **favorite** pair of boxer-briefs. Oh, he loved this pair. They were black, not too long and not too short, _resting on his hips and coming down a few inches above the middle of his thighs_ , and tight in all the right places. He smiled as he checked himself out in his bedroom mirror, _I fucking love these. They make my ass look pretty nice._ He jutted out a hip and made a saucy pose, _I should’ve been a model._

**_Too bad those ugly tattoos fucked up your face._ **

****

The smile vanished as quickly as it appeared and Torn silently exited the room, trying his best to avoid seeing his reflection again, _guess that’s enough self-appreciation for one night_.

 

He made his way to the kitchen and opened his fridge, _Wonder if I got any leftover curry. I made it like two days ago, should still be good._ He finally located the green concoction in the back and took it out. After popping it in the heater for a few minutes, he took it to his balcony and sat down on an old loveseat just outside under the metal awning. His apartment may have been small and his furniture may have been old, but the one reason Torn would never leave this apartment was his balcony and the view he got from it.

 

His apartment was right in the center of New Haven on the fifth floor of the complex. From it, he got a beautiful view of the city. On his left, he could see the port and barely make out the annoying orange glow from the Naughty Ottsel’s giant effigy of Daxter. Despite the jokes, Torn really did like the sign with its ottsel head. There was something charmingly moronic about its soft orange glow and devilish grin that made him feel welcome. In other words, Daxter did a great job; _and I will take that compliment to my grave._

 

Directly in front, he could see the stadium and right next to it on the right, he could see the slums. Mostly it was under construction, like the water slums were, and in its place would be beautiful homes for the citizens, _instead of filthy holes._

**_Oh, you mean like the one YOU came from?_ **

****

Torn stared down into his bowl of curry, and the vegetables seemed to stare back at him through the spicy green sauce. He just started to realize that most of the things he owned, and all of the recipes he followed, were from his parents, _from home._ He sighed and sat back, scooping some of the food in his mouth. _Huh…it’s a bit off. Wish dad wrote down his damn recipes._ He closed his eyes and let out a small, sad laugh, _He NEVER followed a recipe. THAT’S what made his food special._

 

* * *

 

 

_He could smell the spices before he pushed open the door. As soon as he opened the cracked and dirty door, the smell of curry surrounded him, and the memory of the beating he just took on the way home from school seemed to fade away. He tiptoed past the kitchen, holding his bloody nose and split lip, hoping he could make it to the restroom and clean up before he noticed._

_He was stopped by a strong hand on his shoulder._

_“Torien?”_

_He froze and sheepishly looked up at his father’s face. The ice-blue eyes stared down at him and softened when they landed on his face, “Ah, mijro,” He looked past Torn, into the kitchen, before he scooped him up and carried him away to the bathroom, “Best not to let Mahma see. We don’t want her to worry.” Torn was placed on the cracked, stone counter near the sink as his father grabbed a nearly empty green eco pack. His father’s hands were cracked and bruised from the grueling work he did at the factory every night, but somehow, they were still gentle and warm._

_Those warm and gently hands quickly cleaned up the blood and applied the eco to the wounds, “What happened Torien? Was it that Jinx brat again? Because I swear to Mar if that no good punk is hurting you again-”_

_“It wasn’t him, Papa.” It was…but Torn didn’t want to make his father worry;  that , and **everyone** knew what happened to snitches, “No one did it…I fell off the bridge into the ditch.” His father raised a hairless brow and crossed his arms, “Torien. You know better than to lie to me, mijro.” Torn just stared at his feet. His father sighed and resumed tending to Torn’s wounds. Torn knew he couldn’t lie to his Papa, his Papa could read people like a newspaper. Torn watched his father’s nimble hands bandage the cuts, then a question came to his mind, “Papa, what’s an ‘icer’?” _

_When he looked up, he saw an expression on his father’s face that he had never seen before. It was a nearly indistinguishable mix of shock, anger, and sorrow. “Where did you hear that word!?” Torn looked away, but his father grabbed his chin and forced him to look up at him, “Torien! Where did you hear that word?” Torn tried to think of another lie, but he never saw his father get like this before, so he told the truth, “Jinx said it. He called me an ‘icer’ when-” He couldn’t finish that sentence. He father let out a held-in sigh and  stepped back, covering his own mouth with a trembling hand. He just stood there, eyes closed and shoulders trembling slightly for what felt like ten minutes before he picked Torn up and set him on the ground, “Dinner is almost ready, mijro. Go get your brother.”_

_Torn ran out of the room quickly, confusion thick in his mind. That was the first time he ever saw his father get that expression._

_He just couldn’t understand it…what was so bad about the word ‘icer’?_

* * *

 

 

Torn woke up when the alarm next to his head went off. He barely registered that he was in his bed as he sat up, “The fuck?” _when did I get here?_ He rubbed the grogginess out of his eyes as he swung his legs over the side of his bed. _That was a weird memory to relive. Of all the memories, why did it have to be THAT one?_ He trudged over to his bathroom and gripped the counter as he stared in the mirror.

 

As he went about his morning routine of hair maintenance and dental hygiene, his mind replayed the dream over and over, _I forgot that Jinx used to bully me. Heh, it’s funny how these things turn out; now he’s pounding my ass in a better way. Wonder if he remembers that. I think I’m overdue some ‘revenge’. Maybe a nice rimjob will make up for all the busted lips and black eyes._

Torn smirked to himself as he imagined riding Jinx’s stubbly lower face into his mattress.

 

 

“Ridin’ my face…”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Inta yer mattress…”

 

“Mmhm.”

 

“…”

 

Torn took a sip of his coffee as he leaned back in his office chair, absently looking over some documents. Jinx puffed his cigar as he sat in the chair across from him, “Huh, ya know, lookin’ back, I’m glad ya gave me a second chance. Considerin’ how nasty I was to ya growin’ up.” Torn shrugged nonchalantly, “Yeah well, it’s not like you were completely at fault. Your redneck family influenced you at an impressionable time in your life.” Jinx grunted out a chuckle as he tapped ashes onto the glass ashtray in front of him, instead of the floor for once, “Yeah, still, ‘m glad that I got to know ya; yer a hell of a friend, and a pretty good fuck.” Torn let out a snort as he choked on his coffee. He coughed a few times before wheezing, “Seriously? I’m a good fuck?! Just good?! Not amazing, awesome, talented-”

 

Jinx shrugged, “Well, if yew had some tits on ya…”

 

Torn rolled his eyes, “Oh fuck you. My pecs are amazing and you know it.”

 

 Jinx snickered, “Yeah, if ya like flat chests.”

 

“Says the guy who keeps asking to fuck my pecs,” Torn crossed his arms over said pecs and pushed them out slightly to drive his point home.

 

“……”

 

“……”

 

“…touché.” Jinx stuck the butt of his cigar into the ashtray before standing up, “Welp, I’m gonna go take care of that scoutin’ mission. I’ll let’cha know what comes up.” As he turned to leave Torn stood up quickly, “Wait, Jinx…” The blonde turned around, an eyebrow quirked curiously. Torn took a deep breath before saying, “About yesterday, look, I’m sorry I snapped at you-“

 

“Torn-”

 

“Let me finish…please.” Jinx shut his mouth and Torn continued, “You were right. No, you were TOO right. You hit me right where I needed to be hit and I couldn’t handle it.” He crossed his arms and sighed, “I am miserable, and…I think I may, sorta,… _like_ Jak. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I also know that I need to break it off with Ash before we get too serious. I guess what I’m trying to say is-”

 

“Apology accepted.” Jinx smiled knowingly. Torn returned a genuine smile before sitting back down behind his desk and watching Jinx’s retreating form. As he sat in his office, the silence unsettlingly thick, Torn decided that he was going to do what he should have done years ago.

 

 

 


	2. I dreamed I held you in my arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Torn finally decides to break it off with Ashelin, and everything goes as planned, then it doesn't. Then things get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be sex scenes in this chapter, as well as some dark subject matter that could be triggering for some people. For details, look at the end notes.

As he approached Ashelin’s apartment, Torn felt his stomach do about 50 backflips. This was it, he would tell Ashelin the truth, everything that he was doing while they were together, everything he really feels, and everything she needs to know.

 

He stood outside her door.

 

_…nope…I can’t do this. Maybe tomorrow-_

As he turned and took one step back down the hall, he felt what seemed like an invisible hand pull him back towards the door. He held a finger over the button that would possible end his life.

 

_No, no more procrastinating. It has to be now. If I don’t do this now, I’ll lose my nerve. She deserves to know._

He pressed the button, and the loud buzzing noise it emitted inside the Governess’s apartment seemed to travel through his arm and strait to his stomach, making him feel slightly queasy.

After a few agonizing minutes, the door whooshed open and Ashelin stood on the other side, dressed in her pajamas and obviously just woke up, “Torn? It’s midnight, what are you still doing up-you know what…never mind. It’s YOU…you never sleep.” She leaned up against the frame of her doorway and sighed, “What do you want, Torn?” She was obviously annoyed, Torn knew her long enough to tell what her moods looked like. He considered just leaving and telling her when she was in a better mood...but he knew if he left now, he would never tell her.

 

_It has to be now._

 

“Ashe, can I come in? We need to talk.”

 

Ashelin raised a red brow before pushing herself off the doorframe and moving to the side to allow her “boyfriend” in. As Torn stepped into her living room, he couldn’t help but notice how…proper…Ashelin’s place was. Her apartment looked more like a hotel room that was barely used in contrast to Torn’s homey little abode. He always felt so…out of place. It was too clean, too nice, and too pretty for someone as plain and “exotic” as Torn.

 

**_Your immigrant filth is mucking up the place._ **

 

Ashelin moved to the kitchenette, “Coffee?” Torn shook his head, “Nah, I don’t really want to introduce a possible weapon for you to use.” Ashelin froze and turned to stare at Torn, “What’s that supposed to mean?” This was it. No turning back now. Torn took a deep breath and sighed, “Ashe-”

 

“Are you breaking up with me? Again?”

 

Torn’s eyes shot towards the frowning redhead. _Was it that obvious?! How the hell did she figure it out?!_

 

Ashelin crossed her arms and huffed, “That’s it, right?” Torn slowly nodded, “How the hell did you-” Ashelin cut him off with an annoyed sigh, “You’ve dumped me four times already, and you always do it the same way. You come over at the ass end of the night, wake me up, say we should ‘take a break’ and then leave all mopey.”

 

_Do I really do it like that every time?_

**_Wow, you really are a piece of shit._ **

Ashelin groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose, “Well, if that’s all, I’ll just go back to bed. Good night, Commander. I’ll see you next month when we eventually get back together.” She was pissed. Torn didn’t even need to know Ashelin to tell she was **extremely** upset over this. But, this needed to happen. This toxic relationship had to end, “No, Ashe, we won’t get back together again.”

 

This actually made Ashelin stop and caused a look of genuine shock cross her face, “Torn…what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Ashe, I-”

“NO! FOR ONCE, SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Ashelin’s face scrunched up in anger, and Torn had enough sense to shut his mouth, “Four times! FOUR TIMES we’ve tried this, and every single fucking time YOU break it off only to get back with me a few months later! Do you have ANY idea how emotionally exhausting it is to constantly be given these mixed signals from the ONE person whose opinion I actually care about!?” Ashelin’s cheeks started getting red and tears threatened to fall. Torn felt the urge to comfort her, but he knew he needed to let her vent. Years of packing down her emotions and acting nonchalant about their on and off “romance” were finally leaking through the cracks in her mask.

 

 _I’m a horrible person_.

 

“I try so hard for you…”Tears freely slipped down her cheeks, but she kept her voice firm and collected, “I tried to give you your space, tried to be a giving lover, I’ve TRIED to be a good girlfriend. But it seems like no matter what I do it isn’t enough!”

 

**_She would be so much happier if you died._ **

****

“I love you!” Her voice finally cracked, letting a whisper shudder though, “I thought…you loved me…”

“I do love you-”

“Then WHY?!” Ashelin stood up straight, trying to make herself taller than Torn, “Why do you keep hurting me FOR NO REASON!?” Ashelin angrily wiped her cheeks, “Why don’t you ever tell me the truth?! I keep asking you what’s wrong, I try to help, but I can’t if you never talk to me! At least do the decent thing for once and TELL ME THE TRUTH!”

 

“Ashe, I’m gay.”

 

Anger immediately turned to shock and confusion as Ashelin weakly whispered, “What?” Torn crossed his arms and glared at the floor like it was his worst enemy, “I love you Ashelin. I really do. That’s not going to change, but it’s not the kind of love I should have. I want to stay in a relationship with you, as friends, but I’m attracted to other men, both romantically and sexually.” Torn looked up and let his arms fall to his sides, _no going back now._ “That’s why I never orgasm when we have sex; also, why I always back off when we start getting too intimate. I love spending time together, cuddling, and even sleeping in the same bed. You always make me feel calm and wanted. And I’m sorry that I can’t return that feeling.”

 

 

Ashelin’s featured softened a bit. She still looked confused and mildly angry; she opened her mouth to comment, but Torn held up a hand to stop her, “No, no, just listen. There’s more I need to tell you.” He looked at her face, the image of her puffy green eyes breaking his heart, “I’ve been having sex with Jinx and Kal behind your back for the past few years. It started in the underground. I was stuck inside the base for a long time, and then during the KG attack, I got stuck at the port. Jinx was with me both times, and we grew close. I’ve been sleeping with Kal for a few months now since he’s always right outside my office. And before you ask, neither of them is being forced and everything we do is consensual, but it’s only sex. I don’t have any feelings for either of them, and I never will.”

 

Torn began to slowly move towards her. He noticed her tensing up and expected anything from a slap to a stab. “I’ve wronged you. I’ve hurt you. I’ve wasted your valuable time by promising a life that would never exist, at least not in a way that’s healthy. I don’t deserve someone as amazing as you, but I’m selfish, so-” he stood right in front of Ashelin, only an inch taller than her, but somehow looking smaller, “-hit me. Punch me. Beat me to a pulp. You have every right to. But when you finish, I beg you…please let me continue being your friend-”

 

The punch broke his nose, as well as the rest of his heart.

 

Torn reeled back and landed right on his ass. Blood freely poured out of his nostrils over his lips. He looked up at Ashelin, seeing her face full of anger, and another emotion he couldn’t identify. The kick was unexpected, especially when it went straight for his groin. Ashelin has a damn strong kick, and it nearly crushed his testicles.

 

Torn doubled over and curled up in a ball, hands cupping his injured crotch. Weakly, he looked up at the pissed redhead standing over him and managed to squeak out, “….are….we…..good?”

 

Ashelin crossed her arms and stated frankly, “We’re good. And for the record, you’re not my friend.”

 

That stung more than his nose and groin combined. Torn went limp and felt his stomach tighten up with hurt.

 

_I deserve it. What else did I expect?_

_I hurt her really bad._

_What made me think we would just continue being friends after this?_

**_You’re lucky if she lets you keep your job._ **

“You’re more than a friend to me. You’re my brother, Torn.”

 

This…was truly unexpected.

Torn looked up and saw Ashelin’s calm face and tearful eyes, and he saw forgiveness written all over her face.

 

_I really don’t deserve a friend like her._

 

 As she held out a hand to help him up, she smirked and teased, “My selfish, stupid, and apparently gay brother. And I couldn’t stop loving you if I tried, even if it’s now platonically. Now get up soldier, and let’s get some ice for your wounded pride…and your dick.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours later, Torn sat at Ashelin’s kitchen counter, cradling an ice pack against his crotch, and a green eco pack on his nose. Ashelin poured coffee into a cup, then poured a sugary peppermint cream to fill it the rest of the way, “I still don’t get why you like this shit.” Torn pulled the eco pack away from his nose, as it already stopped bleeding and was nearly healed, and retorted, “I still don’t get why you buy it if you don’t even drink it.” Ashelin placed the cup in front of Torn, “I buy it for you, dumbass.” Torn suddenly felt guilty again, and it must’ve shown on his face because Ashelin immediately softened her expression, “I didn’t mean it like that, Torn. It’s done ok. I’m fine, I forgive you. I kicked you in the dick, punched your nose, and gave you all my paperwork for the next two months, so we’re even. I love you, and I want to keep being friends with you.”

 

“I know, but…” Torn sighed and took a sip of his coffee, enjoying the cooling feeling the peppermint emitted, “that doesn’t change how shitty I feel for being…well, shitty.” Ashelin shrugged, “Yeah well, like I said, I kicked your dick and messed up that pretty face of yours so…we’re even.” She smirked and turned back to start making her own cup of coffee.

 

**_Pretty face? Geez, is she blind or something?_ **

****

Torn froze slightly and closed his eyes as a small headache started forming in his forehead. But like a guardian angel, Ashelin’s voice saved him from the dark thoughts, “So, how did you figure out you like cocks?” Torn laughed at Ashelin’s blunt comment, until his groin began to hurt two second later, forcing him to hiss in pain instead. “Well, you remember how I used to be in a gang?” Ashelin nodded, so Torn continued, “Well, I was with one of our…’escorts’, and this big buff guy approached her. He saw me and thought I was on the market. He offered me 50 creds to blow him, and I was about 15 and curious at the time, so I did.” Torn smiled a bit as he reminisced, “He had a really nice cock too. Big, thick around the middle, and, thankfully, clean. After that, I just…got hooked.” He took another sip of his coffee, “Started experimenting with one of the other members after that.”

 

“When I got recruited for the guard, I used to sneak out all the time to go fuck around the red light district with a couple other guys. We didn’t have our tattoos yet, so no one would recognize us. I was…pretty wild back then, and frankly, I’m surprised I’m still alive.” Ashelin sipped her coffee and mused, “Too we didn’t meet until you turned first Lieutenant. I think I would’ve gotten a kick out of seeing your ‘slutty’ side.”

 

For about an hour after that, they shared laughs as memories of their time as first lieutenants surfaced. Suddenly, Ashelin remembered something else, “Wait, so was that rumor about you and Errol-” Torn’s face dropped and something else surfaced on his face. An indescribable emotion that seemed like it was used to being pushed down…an emotion similar to a mix of fear, anger, and resentment.

 

“Yeah…we were…”

**_A couple…_ **

**_In love…_ **

**_Together…_ **

**_Taken advantage of._ **

**_Used._ **

**_TOXIC._ **

**_BETRAYED._ **

 “…fuckbuddies. That’s all.” Torn stared into his coffee cup, trying his best to will away the fermenting pain he pushed down every time these ugly memories surfaced. Ashelin raised a brow, “Are you lying again?” Torn shook his head, “Not really but…look, I can’t talk about it now. It’s…too much. Let’s just say, it was one of my biggest mistakes, and I paid for it in the end.”

 

Ashelin was still curious, but decided this was the best place to end it for now, “Ok, I’ll let you off this time, but promise me that you will tell me when you’re ready. I love you, Torn, and I want to be here for you.” Torn smiled weakly, “You really are amazing Ashe. Thanks.”

 

_I don’t deserve you._

**_You did deserve him though…_ **

 

Ashelin set down her coffee and walked up to her former lover…and eternal brother, and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him against her soft chest. Torn leaned into the comforting touch and curled his arms around her waist, resting his cheek over her heart, and listening to the soft beating…

 

…reminding him that this was real.

 

That this was the one thing that couldn’t be taken from him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s been two days since that much needed talk with Ashelin, and Torn has never felt better. Every possible outcome Torn thought would happen were far worse than what actually did. The most he hoped for was for Ashelin to stop speaking to him and allow him to keep his position.

 

This was more than he could ever hope for. It was almost unbelievable that Ashelin would not only forgive him, but remain good friends with him as well! As Torn lay back in his office chair, he felt better than he did in the past few years. It was as if a weight had been lifted, if only for a little while.

 

Even the dark thoughts were vacant from his head!

 

Overall, life was about to get a lot easier for him.

 

A soft knock on the door jolted Torn from his thoughts, “Come in.” He watched as the doors slid open, revealing a nervous man with brown, freckled skin, light green eyes, and short, purple hair curling aggressively all over his head. The man wore a guard uniform with a First Lieutenant insignia pinned on the left pocket of his uniform. The man sharply saluted, “P-permission to speak freely, Commander?” Torn raised a brow, “Permission granted, Kal.” Kal let out a sigh of relief and relaxed, a faint blush started spreading in his freckled, brown face, “U-um, Commander? I, um…I have to…talk to you?”

 

Torn rolled his eyes and teased, “For the last time, Kal. When you want sex, you can just ask, no need to set a mood or anything.” He stood and opened the drawer containing his condoms and lube, but Kal suddenly sputtered out, “N-n-NO!! Th-that’s not necessary! I-I REALLY just wanted to talk!!” Torn raised a brow and sat back down. Jinx enjoyed having a conversation pre or post sex, and sometimes even with no sex in mind, but Kal NEVER wanted to talk. He came in, sputtered about in what seemed like his way of asking for sex, and then went back to whatever he was doing. The only time they ever talked was when they were working.

 

“Okay,” Torn motioned for Kal to sit in the seat opposite of him, “What’s on your mind, Lieutenant?” Kal nervously stood by the chair and gulped, “U-um…it’s about our…arrangement?” Kal’s gaze shifted off towards the window, and Torn was tempted to follow it, but he knew Kal wasn’t actually looking at something. He waved a hand in front of his captain’s face, “Eyes over here Kal, contrary to what everyone thinks, I don’t have all day.” Kal visibly gulped and nodded. He took a deep breath and said, “Idon’twanttohavesexwithyouanymore!”

 

Torn’s nose scrunched in confusion, “Um…what did you say?” Kal shifted uncomfortably before stating slower, “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore.” Torn sighed in relief, “Oh? Ok then. That’s it then?” Kal looked surprised and slightly confused, “U-um…yeah. You’re…not mad, Commander?” Torn shrugged, “Why would I be mad? Kal, when we started this arrangement, I made it clear to you that you were in no way obligated to ‘assist’ me if you didn’t want to. We have rules for a reason. And, if you don’t want to do this anymore, you don’t have to. However,” Torn straightened himself and crossed his arms, “I know we said you could quit with no questions asked but, can I ask why?” Kal blushed a dark red, “W-well, um…I’m actually going to…start…dating someone?”

 

This was both surprising and exciting news. Torn smirked, “Well, well, finally got scooped into another dom’s arms, kid? Congrats, I’m happy for you and whoever this guy is-” “Girl, actually…” Kal smiled sheepishly.

 

Now, THIS was just plain surprising.

 

“Oh?” Torn mused, “Sorry, I just assumed you went for the ‘gruffer’ types.” Kal laughed awkwardly, “Yeah well, to be fair, I thought Captain Bailda WAS a man when I first met her.” “Whoa, whoa," Torn chuckled lightly and teased, “Bailda? THAT’S who you chose? Geez, you must really like getting dominated.” Now Torn was worried that if Kal got any redder he would be mistaken for a tomato.

 

As Kal tried to sputter out a reply, Torn laughed, “Calm down, kid, I’m just messing with you. I’m glad you found someone. But,” Torn’s face and posture reverted back to ‘Commander Mode’ and he gave Kal a stern look, “don’t let this relationship affect your duties. You see how I manage sex and work, so lead by my example. Understood?” Kal jumped to stand at attention and shouted, “Sir! Yes Sir!” “Dismissed, Lieutenant.” Torn gave Kal a nod and watched as the, now smiling, Lieutenant marched from the room with his head held high.

 

The second the door closed behind Kal, Torn palmed his face with both hands. He was very happy that Kal found someone who fulfilled him. Bailda is a great soldier. She’s smart, loyal, and most of all dutiful.

 

_Though I always did peg her for a Dom…point, Torn._

**_Point revoked, now how are you going to sate your cock cravings, slut? Jinx won’t want to bang your skanky ass any more than he has to._ **

****

No…everything was fine. He wasn’t the same sex-crazed youth he used to be. He didn’t need to use his “fix” as a barrier anymore. He was happier than he’s ever been right now. Two wars and a lifetime of struggle made him into who he was today. He was strong, smart, and in control of the situation.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Two days later, he was no longer in control of the situation.

 

“So, I’ll be needin’ some time off.” Jinx thrusted a few more times haphazardly before finally filling the condom and slowly pulling out of Torn’s clenching hole. Jinx grabbed his cigar from the ashtray on the desk that lay next to a panting, sweaty, and very nude Torn. Torn was coasting on the brink of orgasm when Jinx’s words somehow connected in his brain, “Wait…wha?” He lazily lifted his head to give Jinx a confused stare, “the fuck you talkin’ about?”

 

Jinx puffed his cigar with one hand and slid two fingers inside Torn’s passage with the other, gently rubbing across his prostate, “Were ya listenin’ to me at all?” Jinx raised a brow and met Torn’s annoyed gaze. Torn sighed as the pleasure from his prostate stimulation rolled across him in pulses, “Well, it’s kinda difficult to pay attention to anything while getting your ass pounded after nearly a week without sex. Also, I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but you better add more than two fucking fingers or we’re going to be here all day.”

 

Jinx rolled his eyes, “Fuckin’ size queen…” he roughly plunged all four fingers deep inside Torn, earning a soft moan as the brunette arched his back upwards and growled, “Fuck yes!” Jinx shook his head and quickly started a pattern of thrusting, stretching, and grinding his fingers against Torn’s slippery walls. After about a minute, Torn finally came into the condom he also wore, having learned from last time. As Jinx removed his fingers and waited for the Commander’s breathing to slow down, He sat in Torn’s office chair and finished his cigar off.

 

When Torn finally sat up, he pulled the condom off of his soft cock and made sure to tie it off and wrap a tissue around it before tossing it in the waste basket. “So, what was that about time off again?” Jinx took a last puff before tapping the stub of his cigar in the ash tray, “Ashelin gave me a special mission to Aeropa. Somethin’ ‘bout researchin’ a new type of eco that only appears there; she thinks it can create better shielding tech for the walls.” Torn’s gave a slight nod and panted, “Yeah, I remember reading that report. It’s a hybrid eco right? A mix of two types that can create a completely new type when fused?” Jinx nodded. “But, why send you?” Torn mused, “You’re not secretly a sage in training or something are you?” Jinx smirked, “While that would be pretty badass, nah. I ain’t got channelin’ abilities or much knowledge ‘bout eco in general. But I do know tech and explosives, and I’ll be workin’ as both a representative of Haven and a tech expert.”

 

Torn sighed, “I guess you do know your way around explosives and weapons. But, wouldn’t someone like…Jak’s girlfriend be a better choice? She’s an inventor, mechanic, AND a sage-in-training.” **_The complete package, you should take notes._** Jinx shrugged, “Ashelin already asked her, Keira turned her down. She said somethin’ like she wasn’t strong enough in her studies or somethin’; besides, I’ve got experience workin with shield grids from my first job.” Torn vaguely remembered Jinx mentioning a tech job prior to being Krew’s lackey. Plus he did know how to rewire robots and fix generators, so maybe he was qualified, “Alright, I’ll get a release form going. How long do you need?” Jinx looked a little nervous now, “About two months.”

 

The room seemed like it was devoid of air all of a sudden. Two months?! Torn gulped and grunted, “Kay…um…I’ll put you down for…that long. When are you leaving?” “Are yew ok, stripes?” He was NOT ok. The room started spinning and Torn felt like he had too much air in his lungs, “Yeah, ‘m good. Just…really need some coffee; you kinda took all my energy away.” Torn flashed his signature smirk before hopping down from his desk and retrieving his pants and boxer-briefs from the floor, “So again, when are you leaving?” Once clothed, Torn grabbed his advanced com unit and pulled up a release form. Jinx looked very unconvinced that Torn was really ok, but decided to drop it for now, “Tomorrow evening.”

 

Torn nodded and tapped away at his device, “K. I’ll have the form by tonight. You wanna pick it up here or-?” He jumped slightly when jinx’s warm palm engulfed one of his asscheeks. He shot a questioning glare down at the smiling blonde as the latter teased, “How ‘bout yew drop by ‘fore I leave? It’s gonna be a while, ‘n I know yew need yer fix. I’ll give ya somethin’ nice ta tide ya over.”

 

“That’s-”

**_Clingy, demanding whore who can’t even last two months._ **

“-not necessary.” Torn leaned back against his desk and continued his lie, “Today was more than enough, and I’ve actually been feeling the ‘urges’ less and less since me and Ashe broke up.” Jinx raised a brow, “Really?” Torn nodded and continued, “Yeah, I guess our forced romance was causing some extra stress, and now that it’s over I don’t really need a distraction.”

 

_That is the stupidest lie I’ve ever told him._

“That is the stupidest lie yew’ve ever told me.” Jinx crossed his arms and looked directly at Torn, “Look, I know yew’ve got issues that ya don’t want others ta know ‘bout. And I know ya deal with things by having ‘em fucked away. I don’t need some psych degree ta see that.” Torn deflated slightly in the knowledge that his thoughts were a bit more obvious than he thought. _Leave it to Jinx to figure out there’s some secret I’m hiding._

 

“Now, with Kal gone and me being unavailable I just…”Jinx took a deep breath and sighed, “I don’t want ya ta do anythin’…destructive out of desperation.” Torn tensed up and glared at Jinx, “The fuck is that supposed to mean?! I can handle not getting fucked for a couple months, Jinx!” Jinx held up his hands in defense, “Calm down, Commander, I’m just sayin’-” “You’re ‘just saying’ that you don’t think I can survive without sex for a couple months, like some fucking ADICT!” Torn stood up, making sure to use his full height to tower over Jinx, “I have sex to get rid of stress, Jinx. I’ve had less stress now than ever before. Contrary to what you, Ashe, and Kal think, I have restraint and I DON’T need a fucking BABYSITTER!”

 

The room was silent for a bit before Jinx stood up and met Torn’s eyes, “I know, Sunshine. Ya don’t need a babysitter and yer not a sex addict.” Jinx laid a hand on Torn’s shoulder, “And I also know that everythin’ ya just told me was a lie.” Torn froze and averted his gaze as Jinx continued, “I don’t know what’s goin’ on in that pretty head of yers, but I know it ain’t stress that ya want to get rid of. There’s somethin’ else…somethin’ darker. And I care too much ‘bout ya ta let ya-”

 

“Get out.”

 

Torn closed his eyes and shrugged Jinx’s hand off his shoulder. Jinx sighed, “Torn-”

 

“I’ll send Kal with the release form ASAP, but right now you need to leave.” Torn moved behind Jinx and sat in his office chair as he fiddled with his com. Jinx felt like he still needed to say something more, but he knew that Torn wasn’t in a receptive state. So, he just walked to the door and left.

 

As Torn sat alone, trying desperately to finish the release form, Jinx’s words screamed inside his head. _How the fuck did Jinx figure it out? Was it that obvious?_ Torn has tried so hard to keep the **dark thoughts** his little secret. And Jinx just pegged him on every front. He didn’t have sex as a stress-reducer; it was to keep the voices away. The ones that followed him ever since he was a child, the ones that only seemed to get louder as time went on, and the ones that became silent when he was shoving someone’s dick inside him. Jinx and Kal had been his saviors; had kept the thoughts at a low mumble, but now…

 

Torn tossed his com on the desk and palmed his face with both hands. _It’s going to be ok._

_I am strong._

_I am smart._

_I am in control of the situation._

**_Are you really?_ **

****

****

* * *

 

 

When Torn entered his apartment that night, he started his normal routine. He showered, cleaned himself thoroughly, and got dressed in the night clothes. Before he exited his bedroom, he moved to the walk-in closet near his bed. Behind the clothes was a box nestled into a corner. Torn sat down on the rough carpeting and pulled the box towards him. _Haven’t seen these in years. Wonder if they’re still good._ He opened the box, and sure enough, his collection was as pristine as the day he first purchased each item.

 

Torn rummaged around in the box, nudging aside his handcuffs, ball and ring gags, and riding crops to get to the items he was after. “Heh, what do ya know…” He pulled out s 7 inch vibrator lined with protruding bumps and ridges, “Wonder if…” he flipped the switch and the toy began buzzing fiercely, “Ha! Lumpy still works. Best toy I’ve ever bought.” He turned the toy off and shoved his “toy box” back in the corner before moving back into his bedroom. He sat on the mattress and turned the vibrating dildo over in his hands, “Wonder if you can satisfy me now as well as you used to.”

 

_If Lumpy works for me, I may not even need Jinx anymore. Maybe breaking up with Ashe DID help me, and I just don’t know it. I probably won’t even need Jinx’s help anymore._

**_Enjoy your new boyfriend. It’s the only thing that will stick around you, and that’s only because it can’t run away._ **

****

Torn set ‘Lumpy’ on his bed before sliding his pajama pants down and off. He reached over in his bedside drawer and retrieved the half-empty bottle of lube. _This should work. This WILL work. **You can**_ ** _try._** Torn squirted a small amount on his fingers and laid on is back, lifting his legs above his head and exposing as much of his ass as he could. **_Talk about a turn-off._** He reached between his legs and circled his hole, spreading the lube around before sinking two fingers inside. He thrusted the fingers a few times before adding the third and beginning a stretching motion.

 

**_That was easy wasn’t it, slut? You can probably shove that fucker in right now with how loose you are. I wonder if you can even get tight with how often you’re bouncing on a cock._ **

****

Torn grunted as he clumsily stimulated his prostate, trying to ignite some sort of arousal. He rubbed, prodded, and spread his fingers around inside himself, and hoped the first spikes of heat in his belly would be enough to drown the voice.

 

**_I mean, it’s not like your face was turning any heads. The only good thing about you is your ass, and even that is not worth having to look at you ugly mug and listen to those gross hiphog grunts coming out of you._ **

****

Torn yanked out his fingers and grabbed the vibrator, he squirted a good amount of lube in his hand and slicked up the toy before he shoved it inside, feeling it slide all the way up inside him and leaving only the handle with the switch outside. Torn turned over on his stomach and lifted his ass in the air, reaching behind with one arm to grab the handle of the toy and turn the vibrator on.

 

**_That’s right; present yourself like an animal in heat. That’s all you really are anyway._ **

****

Torn started the first few shallow thrusts.

 

**_Everyone knows that Icers are just above animals anyway. So this should be a natural state for you. An ugly, dumb Icer with no business being loved by his betters, reverting to satisfying himself with something that can’t reject him._ **

****

He sped up the thrusts, aiming for his prostate and hitting it dead on once he found it.

 

**_Everyone you love leaves you._ **

**_Everything you do is never good enough._ **

**_And no matter what, you will never be able to be with someone who loved you as much as_** Errol ** _!_**

****

****

****

**_Oh wait…that wasn’t very much…was it?_ **

****

With a growl, Torn yanked the toy out and threw it against the wall, breaking it in two. He didn’t care though. Dejected, he grabbed one end of the blanket and curled it over his nude form. “Lights off.” The dimly lit room turned black in a second, and the Dark thoughts continued their torment even as Torn slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGERS: Depression, implied abusive relationship, Racism, Self-hatred.
> 
> Heya! just want to say a couple things here. Sorry if some of the characters seem ooc, I'm really just doing this for fun. Also, this will eventually be Jak/Torn with Torn as the bottom for most of the story (if not all of it). Mainly because he's NEVER bottom, and I've always seen Jak as more of a Top. Anyway, I appreciate comments, as long as they're not mean for the sake of being mean(for example: "Rawr i dun leik jek/tern! Je aint gey! U a beech!")
> 
> I have no set release date for the next chapter, but I will be working on it. I have the entire story planned out with an ending, so this won't be going on hiatus or anything. Just bear with me.
> 
> Thank you for the support!!


	3. But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heya, me again! (please don’t pick up the pitchforks and torches). Anyway, Thanks for making it this far, and supporting my story! Sorry if this chapter is too long like the last one, but I’m trying to fit this entire story into 10 neat chapters (poor planning on my part, but whatevs). Anyway, so my headcannon for Icelanders are that their culture is a mix of Japanese and Greek (weird combo, I know). Basically, they have the social, home, and family values of Greeks, the architecture, clothing, and spirituality of Japanese, and mixed cultural foods and festivities. Also, I’m kinda bastardizing making up their language as I go, so I made a helpful chart to keep yall informed
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I used some mild research of military groups to explain the FL structure. Just a headcannon lol, don’t burn me on that bridge (burn me on the bridge that was built on graphic gay sex. At least I’d be willing to burn with it). Also, let me know in the comments if these chapters are too long. I can shorten them, but that may add a few extra chapters. Anyway, happy reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ICELANDIAN 101:  
> Mijro: My son / Jroto: Son (formal)  
> Mijra: My daughter / Jrata: Daughter (formal)  
> Cheilo: Stupid, dummy, moron  
> Pfutar(s): Bastard(s)  
> Mahma: Mom (informal) / Majhara: Mother (formal)  
> Pfeato: Father (formal)  
> Zahsha: Hurry/Faster  
> Schaza: Shut up  
> Va imagho: I don’t know  
> Tci Pfro: little brother / Jaf Pfro: Big brother  
> Tci Berj: Little brat  
> Nei: no / Nei Mata: no more

_“Zahsha Tori! If we’re late Ol’ man Samos is gonna yell at us!” Torien glanced away from his drawing book for a second, “Schaza, Teari! I’m comin’.” He quickly closed the well-worn book and slid the barely two inch long pencil inside the rings that barely held the pages together. It took him two minutes of fumbling around before he managed to put on his clothes and tie up his thick, frizzing hair before it became too unmanageable._

_He sighed. 10 years old, and his hair still hated him._

_Once he made it down the stairs, he saw his twin munching on a slice of toast and holding an identical slice out for him. “ere oo oh!” The boy’s voice was mumbled from his stuffed mouth. Torien rolled his eyes and grabbed the offered breakfast, “Can you not talk with your mouth full, cheilo?”_

_Tearian swallowed the mushed bread in his mouth before smiling widely and giggling, “Can you not keep me waiting next time?” As Torien opened his mouth to reply, loud footsteps sounded down the hall, “Teari! Tori!” A taller man no older than 16 rounded the corner. His uniform was half open and reddish-brown dreads fell messily around his tattooed face, which would have been amusing if not for the angry scowl on his face. “Da fuck did you little shits do with my knife?!”_

_Tearian shrugged his shoulders and put on an innocent face, leading the older brother to focus his glare on Torien. “Tori…where’s my knife?” Torien shrugged and mimicked his twin’s expression, “Va imagh, Arippa…” his innocent expression shifted into a mischeivious grin, “have ya checked in yer ass?” Not even a second later, Torien found himself lifted into the air and twisted upside down, with Arippa grasping his ankles. ”First of all, Tci Berj, that language is not appreciated in this shack-”_

_“But you cursed too!” Torien raised his head to glare at his brother’s smirking face. Arippa shrugged, “Details. Second of all, I know you took my knife, and if ya don’t tell me where it is…” Torien gulped as his brother’s smirk became a little more evil, “…we’re gonna play our favorite game…UNCLE!”_

_With that, Arippa dropped Torien on the couch and pinned him beneath his body._

_Torien tried to struggled, “Get off me, fatass!”, but Arippa’s knees were pinning down his legs, and his hands pinning his wrists. “Schaza, I’m interrogatin’!” Torien lay helpless as Arippa began tickling his sides mercilessly._

_Torien squirmed and squealed as he silently begged Teari for help, but his twin was actually smart and had retreated to the corner of the room to watch the torture. Torien curled up into a ball and laughed, eyes tearing up, as Arippa’s cruel fingers danced over his stomach and ribs._

_“Ya ready to squeal piggy?” Tori immediately let out a squeak as he curled tighter into the ratty cushion, trying to lessen the contact but still not ready to admit to shit._

_Torien gasped out between laughs, “A-ARI! N-Nei! Nei Mata! Ari!” Arippa suddenly stopped, fingers going still against Torn’s left hip, and for a moment Torien thought Arippa actually was listening to his request._

_He was wrong._

_The fun came to a halt in an instant and was replaced with something else. Torien gulped and looked up at his brother’s face; watching as it slowly turned from confusion, to rage. Arippa’s fingers gently stroked a large bruise that was purpling on Torien’s hip, “What the fuck-Did those fucking pfutars do this?” Torien averted his gaze from his big brother’s eyes, trying to keep from answering, but Arippa was no fool. He knew when his beloved little brothers were lying._

_Arippa growled low in his throat and stood up, “I’m gonna fuckin kill ‘em, Where the fuck’s my gun!?” Torien knew he wasn’t serious, but he still grabbed his brother’s arm in an attempt to stop him from making good on his threat, “Wait, nei!” Arippa’s furious gaze landed on his little brother and softened a bit, “It’s nothing, really! I’m fine, it’s just-”_

_“I know, Tci Pfro.” Arippa relaxed his form “I wasn’t actually going to…”  He then looked directly at Torien with stern eyes. “Torn, when did this happen?”  Torien froze. Arippa used the Haven version of his name, meaning he was pissed. “O-on the way home…yesterday…” He looked away and Tearian piped up, “They wait for us after school, Jinx and his weird friends. They chased us into that alley and Tori….he…he distracted them while I…”_

_Teari looked down in shame. Torien was always the braver one, and he often took beatings meant for Tearian. This time was no different._

_Arippa sighed and clenched his fists, “Fuck…” Arippa turned his gaze to Tearian, “Why didn’t you cheilos tell Pfeato  or Mahma?” Tearian lowered his head, “Tori said not to…” and Arippa realized the answer. He looked down at Torien, “Of course, always thinking about others, fuckin dumbass.” Torien sat up and slouched his shoulders._

_He never wanted anyone to find out, especially not Mahma, knowing that she didn’t have Arippa’s restraint when it came to her ‘babies’ and would’ve most likely taken a gun to those rednecks, her job be damned. After his father saw the injuries from last week, he never wanted to see THAT expression ever again. The sadness…the anger… **the remorse…the remorse for who he was…and what he passed on to his children.**_

_Looking away from Torien, he crossed his arms and jutted out a hip, something he did whenever he needed to think. ”Well then,” Arippa leaned down and laid a calloused hand on Torien’s shoulder, “Guess I’ll just have to walk you home from now on. I’ll bet I can persuade Lieutenant Nynx to let me take my break at the time you two leave Ol’ Samos’s hut.” The twins both whipped their heads up to give excited and questioning stares at their brother, “Are you sure that’s ok?” Torien narrowed his eyes in concern. He didn’t want his brother’s job to suffer for their sake._

_“I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t. Besides, these pfutars may not be able to read the no-tolerance laws, but I bet they aint stupid ‘nough to attack you with a Krimson guard present!” Arippa flashed a wide smile at the twins before Tearian suddenly pounced on Arippa’s back, knocking him over. Torien smiled and joined his twin in the dogpile. The three brothers hugged for a moment before Arippa realized they were late for school, and he was now late for work._

_As they headed out the door and into the filthy streets of the slums, Torn ducked to the left and grabbed a curved knife from under a rock next to their door. He climbed up his brother’s back sneakily, feigning wanting a piggyback ride, and silently slid the knife into the sheath strapped onto his brother’s back._

* * *

 

 

Once again, Torn woke up with remnants of tears in his eyes. He sat up and roughly rubbed the dry trails on his cheeks. Disgusted that they had slipped out when he wasn’t able to hold them in. The room was dead silent and cold, due to his lack of clothing and the dried lube between his legs. Torn grimaced but instead of cleaning himself up, he flopped back against his pillow; his dream replaying over and over in his mind.

 

_Ripp…Tear…_

 

He hadn’t thought about his brothers in a while; well, at least not about their childhood. He still talked to Tear almost daily. _Well, he sends me a video of himself either cleaning the inn, doing something dumb, or complaining about how cold it is, and I text him back that he’s a fuckin’ cheilo._ It’s difficult to grow apart from siblings, especially if one of them is a twin.

 

Or if one is gone.

 

Torn reached over in his bedside table, taking out his trademark knife and running his fingers over the name etched sloppily into the leather.

 

_Arippa_

He slowly pulled the blade from the sheath, holding it up above his head. He could see his reflection in the shimmering steel. He saw the tired bags, thinning face, and ugly dark tattoos sticking out against pale skin. And suddenly it wasn’t his reflection. Hair, that was a little more red than his own, and forest green eyes stared back at him, holding something that Torn felt he didn’t deserve…

 

_Forgiveness…Empathy… **Love**_

****

BEEP BEEP BEEP

 

Torn groaned as he swooped his hand over to slam it down on his alarm’s snooze button. Time for work. _Jinx is leaving today._ Torn felt a pang of guilt crackle through his chest. _Once again, he’s right about me. I should apologize…again…._

 

* * *

 

 

“Here’s Jinx’s release form, Commander.”

 

Torn looked up from his com as Kal held out the holo document waiting for his signature, “Mm…” he lazily raised his pen and traced his signature on the document. Jinx piped up from his position on the couch, “’Bout time, kid! As much as I love watchin’ Commander Scowls-a-lot murder his com via glare, I need ta get goin’.” Kal nodded at Jinx then returned his attention to Torn.

 

Torn quickly scribbled his signature and handed the document back to Kal, “Dismissed.” Kal raised a brow in concern, but decided to hold his tongue, “Thank you, Sir! I shall upload it to the system.” Torn nodded and turned to Jinx, “Be careful, ok?” Jinx stood and walked over to the door, “You too, Sunshine.” He then left.

 

Kal sensed the heaviness in the air and decided he should leave as soon as possible. He saluted and exited the room quickly, nearly bumping into Jak as he entered the room.

 

Jak’s smile nearly brightened the office instantly, “Hey Torn. Ashe sent me here for work.” Of course she did. “Really?” Torn raised a brow as Jak stopped just in front of his desk and leaned on it, cocky as always, “Yeah, Jinx left, I’ve been looking for something to do, and working at the Naughty Ottsel isn’t very…adventure-y…y’know?”

 

_Why does the universe hate me? Why did Jinx have to leave? Why did Kal have to get a girlfriend? Why does this damn blonde punk have to look so fucking attractive? This entire situation is proof that the universe loves to torture me._

“Yeah, I get ya.” Torn shifted in his chair and motioned for Jak to sit down, it was his last ditch attempt to keep Jak from showing off those nice muscles, slim waist, and eye-popping bulge. _Does he own pants that aren’t tight? I mean what the actual fu-_ _NO! No, I am not going to think about this. He’s my friend. He’s straight. He has a girlfriend. He is sexy as fuck-DAMN IT!_

“Um, Torn?”

 

Torn jolted back to reality and focused his eyes on Jak, the blonde raised an eyebrow in concern, “You ok? You look kinda…lost.” Torn shook his head, as if trying to shake the thoughts away, “Yeah, no, I just…lot goin’ on up here right now.” Jak laughed lightly and laid back in his seat, “Yeah I know. Lots of reconstruction huh? Still, it’s nice seeing how livable the slums are looking.” The blonde flashed an encouraging smile, “You and Ashelin are doing a great job!”

 

Him and Ashelin huh……

 

Ashelin always had a heart for the poor. She described what she wanted, Torn drew up her designs, and she fought the council tooth and nail to make it a reality. She really was a fantastic leader with a heart of gold…

 

**And the proud owner of a shitty friend who wasted her prime years by keeping her dangling on his fingers with promises of a relationship that could never happen-**

“TORN!”

 

Once again, Torn was brought back to reality by Jak’s fingers snapping in front of his nose. The blonde had leaned over the desk and was about a foot away from him. Jak’s brow was furrowed in concern and Torn was frozen by how close they were. He could feel the heat the radiated off of the young renegade and it was so fucking _nice_ …

 

That was NOT good.

 

He nudged Jak’s hand away with a wave of his hand and huffed, “ Sorry. Just spacing out. Sit down.” A tiny flash of what may have been hurt crossed Jak’s face for a second, but he nodded and sat back down. “So, about your job,” Torn placed his elbows on his desk and laid is chin on one upturned fist, “I assume you’re going to take Jinx’s place, so that’ll make you a ‘specialist’.” Jak slowly nodded, but tilted his head in slight confusion, “Um…wouldn’t I just be doing missions for you? Like old times?”

 

“That’s basically what a specialist is, only you’ll only be doing certain types of missions.” Torn moved to open one of his desk drawers. He pulled out a hard diagram and handed it to Jak before continuing, “The Freedom League military structure is basically the same as the KG one, with the addition of Specialists. When they exit training, new soldiers are referred to as Grunts. There is usually one soldier chosen to lead a small group of about 3 grunts called a Private. In addition, the First Lieutenant and Second Lieutenant are in charge of leading about 3 to 5 groups as a team. The first and second lieutenants report to their assigned Captain, and the Captain reports to the Commander.”

 

Jak perked up slightly, “And, that’s you…right?” Torn smirked and let out a small chuckle, “Yep, that’s me.” Jak smiled and Torn felt his heart skip a beat. Jak looked down at the chart and squinted his eyes as he focused, “So…where do specialists come in?” Torn reached over and pointed in between the Private and Second Lieutenant, “So, specialists are a new concept for people who are military material, but haven’t gone through basic training. You can’t earn promotions or benefits, but you do receive a salary and have a lot more freedom in choosing what you want to do. If a squad is sent with you, you will be allowed to command them at the rank of a second Lieutenant, but it is likely that a first lieutenant will be assigned to you as well.”

 

Torn glanced up at Jak’s face, seeing if this was making sense to him. Jak looked back at him, eyes full of determination and the lust for adventure that filled his heart with pride every time he saw it. Torn resisted the urge to let his eyes wander over Jak’s features, knowing that he would most likely be caught…

 

**And he would hate you forever, for thinking such vulgar laughable things about him.**

 

Torn took a sharp intake of breath through his nose before he sat back and crossed his arms, “Anyway, back to business. Jinx usually did a lot of reclamation, reconnaissance, and demolition tasks. But, if you don’t want-”, “Sounds fun!” Jak was already energized. Torn nodded, “Ok then, I’ll just give you whatever I would’ve given Jinx…minus the demolition.” Torn stopped himself from laughing as Jak deflated slightly, “What?! Aw come on! I’m part of the ‘Demolition Duo’ remember?”

 

“My point exactly.” Torn already felt a headache coming on, “I’m honestly surprised on how you haven’t blown yourself up already.” Jak smirked, “I’m good. That’s how.” Torn rolled his eyes and sighed, “Well, either way, I don’t have any missions involving explosives, so you’ll have to deal with boring old reconnaissance or reclamation.” Torn picked up his com unit, “In fact, I have the perfect starter mission. Jinx has been keeping tabs on the local surviving metal heads.” Jak sat up straight, now listening intently.

 

“While the majority of them have been destroyed, there is still quite a few left hiding in the jungle, the ruins of Dead Town, and on Bone Island.” Torn set his com on the desk and a large holo of a metal head was displayed, “However, the ones we’ve seen look…different.” Jak stared at the holo metal head, his mouth nearly dropping open, “What is that?!”

 

The creature before him was no normal metal head. It was bigger, sleeker, and had a color scheme similar to his dark form. “We believe the metal heads have somehow corrupted themselves with Dark eco.” Torn looked up at the creature and continued, “Though, this is the first one we’ve seen like this, we can’t rule out the possibility of them breeding and recreating a better, stronger army. Therefore,” Torn stood up and turned off his com, “your job will be to find, catalogue, and kill these things.” He typed some data points into the com, “I’ll give you two squads to command. Head to the jungle entrance to meet with your squad tomorrow at 0900, and report to me before 1900.”

 

When Torn finished sending the mission specs to Jak’s com, he looked up and was greeted with a confused stare. Torn laughed, genuinely, before confirming, “9:00 am, then before 7:00pm, Jak. Also, I require regular hourly updates. If you don’t report, I’m sending another squad after you.” Jak’s eyes widened slightly with confirmation, “Oh, right. Ok! See you tomorrow then.” With that, he swiftly exited the room with a slight bounce to his step.

 

Torn was starting to sense a pattern here.

 

_How come every time some snarky blonde leaves my office it gets really quiet and stuffy?_

* * *

 

(Two weeks later)

**_Useless Icer._ **

**_No good._ **

**_Why would I give up my dreams for some Icer?!_ **

**_You were a means to an end._ **

**_Who could ever love you…_ **

****

Once again, Torn stilled his movements, clenching around the silicone cock halfway lodged inside him. _Are you fucking kidding me?_ He sighed and turned over on his back, gently pulling the slick toy out and tossing it on the floor.

 

_It’s only been two weeks…TWO weeks…_

****

He had no idea why…but it was getting worse for him. The voices have never been this loud. His painful memories from the past had never pushed themselves forward like this. Masturbation wasn’t enough of a distraction for him. He needed to be fucked by a warm, living body. His walls were cracking. He needed someone. No…

 

He needed to be _used_.

He needed to feel wanted…

_…useful…_

 

Torn slid off his bed and walked to the bathroom, washing the remaining lube from his hand and between his legs. He avoided the mirror, knowing that seeing his red blotched face would only fuel the voices. He went back to his bedroom and grabbed his com from the top of his bedside table and typed in Ashelin’s contact.  As soon as he heard her pick up, he blurted out before she could say anything, “Ashe…I need to come over.”

 

* * *

 

 

Ashelin placed a cup of coffee in front of Torn, “Got a new creamer for you. It’s some sort of chocolate shit.” Torn picked his head up from where it rested on his hands and sat up straight. Staring at the dark brown liquid in the stupid crocadog-shaped mug he mused, “Chocolate shit…sounds good.” Ashelin flicked his ear before pouring her own cup.

 

As he sat on the stool beside Ashelin’s island counter, Torn really hoped this didn’t become a pattern. As much as he loved Ashelin’s stupid animal mugs, the overly sweet creamers (which she bought for him specifically), and her fashionably furnished apartment, he really didn’t want to come crying to her every time his mind had a boo-boo.

 

Finally, Ashelin turned to him and leaned against the counter, hip-hog mug in hand, and said, “So…you gonna tell me what’s on your mind yet? Or should I start guessing?”

 

Torn took a sip from the crocadog cup, “Ya know, this is pretty good for something named ‘chocolate shit’…” Ashelin simply raised a brow at him. He sighed and set his mug down as well, “Fine,” he took a breath and decided to let go, “you know I dated Erol… and you know that I’ve dealt with a lot of prejudice due to my…heritage, right?” He looked up and caught the redhead’s n

od before continuing, “When I was a kid, I got bullied…a LOT. With the immigration issues and the declining job market, there was a lot of hatred towards Icelanders. When my mom died, I got into the wrong crowds and that didn’t help my reputation.”

 

He took another sip, “So when I finally entered the guard to straighten out my life, I was already in a vulnerable place. I wanted to be accepted, and that’s what Erol did at first. When we first started dating, he was super nice to me but…well, once he got what he wanted…he changed. He was dismissive, verbally abusive, and only ever paid attention to me when he wanted sex.”

 

Torn closed his eyes, “It started out slowly. A comment here, a nudge there, and before I could tell what was happening, it had escalated. He exploited my past in order to keep me under his thumb. By the time I realized how it was lowering my self-esteem, it was too late. You know that old saying, ‘If you tell a yakow that it’s a monkaw repeatedly, eventually it’ll start squawking.’ After a year of hearing how useless, needy, and unattractive I was, I was convinced that I couldn’t do better than him, and no matter what he did to me, I had to deal with it or I would be alone for the rest of my life.” He heard Ashelin breath sharply through her nose and looked up. He wasn’t expecting to see her visibly shaking and furrowing her brow in anger.

 

“Woah, hey what’s wrong?!” Torn lightly grabbed her hand and she shook her head, “Nothing, it’s just…I wish the bastard was alive so I can kick his abusive ass.” Torn laughed lightly, “Well then, I’ll let you know the next time some redneck calls me an ‘Icer’. Though I don’t think beating up some racist asshole would keep you in office.” Ashelin let out a snort and smiled, “Well, at least I would have defended your honor.” Torn rolled his eyes and teased, “My hero. So anyways, because of all that shit, I get into these…moods…I dunno…I was able to distract myself with the wars, but now…everything’s so peaceful.”

 

He huffed in annoyance, “I can’t find any distractions. It’s just like when I was younger. In the gang, I had an outlet, when I joined the guard Erol was my outlet, and when I left to join the resistance I was able to distract myself with planning…and occasionally with Jinx. But now…everything has been so damn uneventful, and with Kal and Jinx gone, for some reason I feel worse than ever.” He looked up at Ashelin again. “Getting fucked is the only thing keeping me sane, and without it my mind is clouded and I can’t fucking think about anything useful.”

 

“I feel like I set up an appointment for a therapist.” Ashelin raised a brow and Torn returned it with a glare, “Do you really think I haven’t tried that?” He once again dropped his head into his hands and groaned, “All they do is talk. They talk about how I feel and why I feel that way, but they never talk about how to stop it. Well, how to stop it without medicating myself to the point of comatose.” Ashelin hummed in agreement.

 

“Alright then,” she clapped her hands together and said, “I don’t think this is the best solution for you, but this is something that takes time to fix, and therapy is yakowshit.” Torn looked up at her and raised a brow as she continued, “You say that sex is a distraction, yeah? Well, until Jinx comes back, let’s get you some sex.”

 

Torn’s eyes narrowed slightly, “And how the fuck are we gonna make THAT magic happen? I am NOT going to pick up a hooker in Kras, or going to some sleazy brothel if that’s what you’re suggesting. I'm not THAT desperate.” Ashelin rolled her eyes, “No, dumbass. There’s this club that just opened in the Port called ‘The Monkaw’s Nest’. It’s really popular as a place to safely hook up for anonymous sex. There’s a bunch of rules you have to follow, but I can get us in by this Saturday.”

 

Torn blinked, absolutely stupefied. It was an attractive plan, but he wasn’t quite sure it was as easy as Ashe made it out to be, “As awesome as that sounds, I’m not exactly your average person, remember. If one camera catches me going into that place or walking out with someone, it’ll be all over the news.”

 

Ashelin smiled mischievously, “True…but what if they didn’t know it was you?” Torn thought for a moment and suddenly realized what Ashelin was insinuating, “Are you saying what I think you are?” Ashelin nodded and giggled, “What’s your wig size?”

 


	4. So I bowed my head and I cried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for clubbing! Too bad we're bringing along our impulses and leaving judgement behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I may have gone a bit overboard, but hey hope it was worth the wait! Lots of stuff happen here. It was a lot of plot to get through. This chapter is the set up for the whole fic. I also threw some sexy times in there to sweeten the pot a bit! 
> 
> End notes for warnings!!
> 
> ENJOY!!

 

As Jak entered the garage of the newly rebuilt stadium, he could barely identify Keira’s figure from her position under the hellcat she was working on. He smiled softly and quietly snuck over to where she lay on the garage floor, her legs and hips being the only visible parts. His hands hovered over her ankles for a moment before grabbing them.

 

“GAHH!?” there was a loud CLANG before the green haired mechanic tried desperately to kick at whoever grabbed her until Jak let go, laughing loudly. Keira scurried out from under the hellcat and shot her boyfriend a glare, “Not funny, jerk!” Jak shrugged and offered a hand to help her up, “Made me laugh.”

 

“You wouldn’t be laughing if I dropped that tool on my face instead of the floor.” Keira sighed and rolled her eyes before grasping Jak’s hand and allowing him to hoist her to her feet. “So, what did you come here for, besides making me shit myself?” Jak pulled her into a hug and smiled, “Is it a crime to visit my girlfriend?”

“No, but it is a crime to kill your girlfriend.” Keira smirked and lightly punched his chest.

“Aww, have some faith in me. I wouldn’t have let you die.” He leaned down for a kiss, and captured her lips softly.

 

He tried to ignore the way she tensed up.

 

He couldn’t, however, ignore her lightly pushing away from him when he tried to deepen the kiss, effectively breaking it. Keira giggled nervously, “Ok, but seriously, what do you want?” Jak raised a brow and teased, “I just wanted to see you.” He closed the gap between them, “And, maybe do a little…somethin’?” His hands wandered over her hips, but were stopped when Keira once again jerked herself away from his grip.

 

“Sorry, I’m… in the middle of something right now. Maybe tomorrow.” She turned and walked to her tool table. Jak frowned, “That’s what you said yesterday…and the day before that…and the week before that.” He watched Keira tense up again before continuing, “Do you know when the last time we had sex was? Two months ago.”

 

Keira started fiddling with a wrench and retorted, “Yeah, so? Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, ya know.” Jak crossed his arms, “Also, the last time we kissed was about two months ago.” Keira turned and piped, “What are you talking about? We JUST kissed!”

“THAT was a peck at most. I mean a _real_ kiss, Keira.”

 

He noticed the way she shut down, looking like she wanted to say something, but instead stopped herself. Jak decided to push a little further, “Also, we still haven’t gone on a date yet, aside from the one which ended with us in bed. I keep offering and you never seem to have time for me.”

“I have a _job_ , Jak!” Keira crossed her arms and huffed, “I’m really busy.”

“I have a job now too! And I still come visit you!”

 

Jak took a deep breath to calm himself before asking the question that’s been on his mind for a while now, “Keira, do you want to be with me? I mean, do you even _like_ me?”

 

Keira looked away, cheeks turning pink with frustration, “Look, can we just…not talk about this right now? I really need to get this hellcat fixed before Monday.” She brushed past Jak and returned to the vehicle, pulling open the hood.

 

Without thinking, Jak grabbed her wrist and tugged her towards him, “Please, just answer the question! You used to be so affectionate. We flirted, kissed, and cuddled, then we had sex one time, and suddenly you want nothing to do with me!”

Keira’s eyes went wide, “Jak!”

“You don’t talk to me! You act like everything’s fine, but I know it’s not!”

“Jak, please-”

“Did I do something wrong?! Is there something I should be doing?! Tell me what I need to do!”

“Let go, you’re hurting me!”

 

He froze and looked down at the small wrist in his hand…his **tightly** clenched hand.

 

_When did my grip get that tight?_

 

He let go quickly and pretended not to feel the pang of hurt when Keira jumped away from him, holding her wrist, which was already turning red. Jak felt the purple electricity flashing through his veins, escalating, but he took a breath and left the garage before he ended up doing something he would regret…deeply.

 

* * *

 

 

The door to the Naughty Ottsel swished open and Jak made a beeline for the bar counter where Tess stood, wiping the counter with a large cloth…well, not really wiping as much as standing on it and shuffling along the counter. Even though her new ottsel body was too small for most of the tasks, she seemed to find ways around it.

 

The female ottsel in question smiled warmly at Jak when he sat down on the bar stool, but upon seeing his angry face, she furrowed her brow in concern, “Hey Jak…you ok?” Jak sighed, “Peachy…is Dax here?” Before Tess could open her mouth, said loudmouth strode in, “Hey Tess-baby! Where’d ya tell Maxine to put the-JAK!!” The ottsel quickly climbed up on the bar and scrambled over to Jak, holding out a fist to prepare for a bump.

 

Jak felt his anger diminish a bit and smiled down at his long-time friend, “Hey Dax.” He gently returned the fist bump, making Dax’s smile impossibly wider. However, the smile swiftly morphed into another look of concern to mirror Tess’s. “Uh…you ok buddy? You aint lookin’ too hot.”

_And here it comes…_

“I’m fine, Dax…just had some trouble with Keira.” He avoided the dual stares of the ottsel couple as a lady with dark green hair and freckled, mocha skin walked in. He immediately waved her over, “Hey Maxine.” Maxine nodded at Jak, face devoid of every emotion other than boredom, “Hey…the usual?” Jak just nodded and the small woman immediately started mixing a drink.

 

Daxter tapped his foot on the counter and folded his furry arms, “Jak….what happened with Keira?” Jak avoided Daxter’s gaze and instead focused on the drink Maxine just placed in front of him. Before he could grab it, Tess grabbed the cup and slid it down to the other end of the counter out of his reach. She leaned against it and mimicked her boyfriend’s pose.

 

Jak blinked in confusion for a minute before sighing in defeat. He wasn’t getting his drink until they had some answers. “Fine…I went to her garage, tried to…ya know…fool around…then she said no and pushed me away. We argued, I got mad and I-”

 

_Hurt her_

“…I grabbed her and nearly broke her wrist. I know I shouldn’t have but I just…did, and I didn’t realize it until…I’m so fuckin’-” He grasped the sides of his head and clenched his teeth in frustration.

 

_I’m so lonely…_

 

He felt a soft paw against his arm and looked up at Daxter’s face. The ottsel seemed to know exactly what Jak was thinking and what he couldn’t say out loud. _Guess it comes from being my unofficial interpreter for nearly 8 years._

“You got frustrated and lost control a bit. I get it. Look Jak, I don’t know what’s goin’ on in Keira’s head, but I do know what’s goin’ on in yers. And I think you should just have a talk with her. That’s the kind of stuff normal couples do. They _talk_.” Daxter suddenly switched back to normal mode and piped, “Buuuuut BEFORE you do that, let’s have some FUN! You can use it and I really want it!” He could practically feel Tess’s eyeroll, but he had to admit that _fun_ sounded exactly like what he needed right now.

 

Daxter smirked and continued, “My lady-friend, Taryn, just became manager of that new club that just opened!” Jak raised a brow, “Taryn? You mean that girl you met while you worked as an exterminator?” That remark earned a shudder from the ottsel as he said, “Please don’t remind me…I still have nightmares! Anyway, yeah, we pulled a couple jobs together. If ya wanna meet her, come to the club with me and I’ll introduce ya!”

 

Jak looked down at the counter. The thought of going to some club where he could potentially get some of his aggression sated was appealing. But at the same time, he should probably apologize to Keira…

_This isn’t a good idea…_

**_Why not? I deserve some fun!_ **

_I need to apologize to Keira._

**_Fuck her! She treats me like shit._ **

_She’s my friend…she’s always been a friend…_

**_But she’s supposed to be my GIRLFRIEND!_ **

_Something’s wrong with her…with our relationship. We need to work it out._

_Maybe I’m not paying enough attention to her?_

_Maybe we should go out on a date?_

_We haven’t really gone on a real date yet._

**_Maybe she doesn’t love me._ **

**_Maybe she can’t love a frea-_ **

****

“Ya know what, Dax…I think I need some fun to clear my head.”

 

The Ottsel smiled wide and whopped in victory. As he chattered off the details of his plans for their night, Jak retrieved his drink from Tess, who looked very concerned. He gave her a reassuring smile before downing the drink in one gulp.

 

* * *

 

 

“Are you sure they won’t show through?”

“Did you even look at my face? It OBVIOUSLY works.”

Torn sighed in defeat as Ashelin rubbed the applicator over his nose. He did see her face and frankly, he barely recognized her. She had bought this super special tattoo concealer that completely erased the dark blue lines on her face.

 

And now she was using it on him.

 

“I swear to Mar, if this shit makes me look stupid-”

“Will you PLEASE stop moving your fucking mouth, Torn? I’m almost done.” Ashelin applied the last of the powder over Torn’s nose and grabbed the eyeliner and blue brow pen from the counter. She had already let him put in the brown contact lenses, so all that was left to do was brush on blue eyebrows and line his eyelids.

 

“Stop flinching or I’ll stab your pretty eyes.” She slowly slid the wet liner along Torn’s waterline and he grunted, “Well, good thing you gave me eye-shields beforehand.” Ashelin snorted, “Yeah, those contacts won’t do shit against the liner tip, but keep dreaming.” She finally stopped applying the makeup and grabbed the blue wig from the Styrofoam holder.

 

As soon as he felt the wig suction onto his head, Torn opened his eyes and nervously shifted on the chair, “Well?” Ashelin stared at him, mouth slightly open, “Oh…wow. You’re really a lot hotter than I thought you would be.”

 

Torn wasn’t sure if he should take that as a compliment, “Will you just show me already?” Ashelin slowly nodded and help up the mirror. Torn looked at his reflection and-

 

…

 

“Well?” Ashelin smiled softly, waiting for a reaction.

 

Torn couldn’t do anything more than stare. They were gone. The tattoos were gone! His face nearly looked like it did before he joined the guard.

_Before he was forced to get them._

Aside from the overall shape and structure of his face, he could barely recognize himself. His eyes were now brown, and were a little more slanted due to the liner. His blue brows looked very realistic, and the blue hair was styled to be straight and short, the exact opposite of his normal hair. The bangs were parted to the left and swept across his forehead and over the corner of his right eye in a fringe. The rest of the wig was layered and cut so the longest parts ended slightly below his jawline. Overall, the wig managed to cover all traces of brown hair pretty well.

 

He reached out and touched the mirror in disbelief, wondering if this was just some illusion, and the second he touched the handsome face in the mirror it would revert back to his normal, worn, tattooed appearance.

 

It didn’t.

 

He ran his hand over the back of the wig, giving it a light tug, “How the hell do you take it off? It feels like it’s been glued on.” Ashelin touched lightly behind his left ear, “It’s a permi-seal wig, meant to stay on as if it was real. There’s a button right here. Push it twice and it’ll release.”

 

Torn nodded and ran his fingers through the course strands, “Feels like a slightly softer version of hay.” Ashelin laughed as she slid on a long, blonde wig, “Yeah, it’s meant to LOOK good, not feel good. Now hurry up and get dressed or all the nice guys will be taken.” She fixed the loose strands of her wig before moving into her bedroom to get changed.

 

Torn stayed seated at her kitchen counter and stared at his reflection a little longer. He didn’t even look Icelandian anymore. With the combination of makeup, straight hair, and color change to his eyes, he could probably pass for a pure Havenite. He lightly brushed his fingertips along his cheekbones and nose.

 

_How long has it been since I felt this good about my looks?_

**_Don’t get used to it. Make-up comes off, but the ugly stays._ **

He ran his fingers down over his make-up covered neck. Ashelin didn’t do his arms, so his top would have to stay on. _Not that it matters anyway._ He was lucky she managed to cover everything over his collar bone though. And also that his tattoos didn’t extend to his chest.

He walked over to the couch, where Ashelin had placed his “club” clothes and decided to get dressed before she walked out. He looked inside and nearly groaned, _Precursors,_ _did she buy the whole store?_ He pulled on a long sleeved, black shirt made from some latex-like material that was cut to expose his neck, collar bones, and the top of his chest.

 

It was obnoxiously tight and made his pecs look obscenely larger and more pronounced…so there was no fucking way he was going out in it. “Oh hell no…ASHE!” As if on cue, Ashelin exited her bedroom wearing a halter top black dress and one stocking, “What’s up?”

 

Torn motioned to his chest and gave her a stern look; as if it was obvious. Ashelin looked him up and down and blinked in confusion, “What?” _Does she seriously think this looks good?_ “You know…when I said that I was gay, that didn’t imply that I was also a fuckin’ latex fetishist!”

 

“You said pick some clothes that I thought would look good on you…” she shrugged nonchalantly.

“On what planet does THIS-” Torn once again gestured to his chest, “look good on me?! My chest is big enough as it is, drawing attention to it is the LAST thing I want.” He looked down at his pecs again. The latex seemed almost like a second skin vulgarly displaying every swell and dip along his chest, especially his nipples, _Geez,_ _that is so fucking gross._

**_Disgusting. Aren’t you supposed to be a man? Maybe you should wear a dress, you’d pass as an ugly drag queen._ **

Ashelin crossed her arms, “I think you look hot. You have really nice pecs, and that top also shows off your arms.” Torn crossed his arms, more so to cover his chest, and snapped, “I don’t care if this top will turn me into a precursor, it’s obscene and I am NOT leaving in it.” He glared at Ashelin, shutting down any attempt she would make to convince him otherwise.

 

Defeated, Ashelin rolled her eyes, “Fine, good thing I know you so well. I got a couple different options.” _That’s the understatement of the night._ As Ashelin rummaged through the bag, Torn peeled the suffocating garment from his body with distaste. As soon as he freed himself, Ashelin tossed another shirt to him, “Here, this would look really good on you.”

 

**_That’s a lie. It would be ruined the second it gets on you._ **

 

Torn turned the garment over in his hands. It was a simple, silky, button-up shirt with a collar and cuffed sleeves that would reach down to his elbows, _just_ covering his arm tattoos. It was thin and dark blue in color, but it looked comfy. He unbuttoned it and slid it on easily. As he started buttoning it up, he noticed that it was also very form-fitting and pronounced his large chest, which repulsed Torn a bit. Still, at least it wasn’t obscene like the other _thing_.

 

He was about the button up the last three buttons, but Ashelin grabbed his hands, “Whoa, whoa…keep the rest unbuttoned, it’s sexier.” He raised a brow, but decided that she was right. From where it was unbuttoned, his clavicle and the top of his chest were visible.

_If I bent over far enough, I would probably have cleavage._ He shuddered at the thought.

****

**_No one wants to see that shit, faggot Icer._ **

Next were the pants. The pair Ashe picked out was skinny black jeans that looked two sizes too small. Somehow, Torn managed to squeeze into them and FUCK they looked good. “Holy shit.” He turned and looked down at his ass, where the jeans stretched taunt across it. _Well, at least my ass still looks good._

**_Good, cuz it’s still the only thing you’re good for._ **

Ashelin whistled low, “Wow, I need a pair of those. Keep the shirt untucked, it looks better.” Torn had to agree there. Last thing were the black boots. Nothing special about them, they were just his standard knee-high combat boots with iron plating in the toes and along the shins.

 

_In case of ass whooping._

“Alright, let’s get going.”

 Ashelin nodded, “Yeah, just let me get my other stocking on.”

 

* * *

 

 

The club had a line nearly halfway down the street by the time Ashelin parked her two-seater zoomer. Torn could hear the dull thump of electronic music through the walls and already he felt wrong. _Am I really about to pick up some stranger and fuck them? I mean…it’s not like I’ve never done this before but…the last time I was just a kid._

**_And yet, here you are, a 30 year old man preying on younger guys so he can sit on their dicks and forget reality for a few glorious hours._ **

He peered at the entrance as he exited the zoomer. They were checking what looked like VIP cards and turning away anyone without them.

 

_Oh yeah, it’s one of their rules. You have to get a blood test and agree to all their sanitary rules before going in. You pass, you get a card. Good thing we cheated our way in, or we’d get stuck on the waiting list forever. Not like it matters anyway, I get tested every two months, I make sure to take care of myself , and I clean myself out more often than needed...I think I’m good._

Ashelin held out a white card for him, “Hey, come on, let’s get moving. Just show this to the bouncer and you’re good.” He took the card and stared at it for a moment. It was a plain white card with a holographic logo of a monkaw. When he looked up, Ashelin was already halfway to the bouncer.

 

_Fuck it…I didn’t spend three hours letting Ashelin put shit all over my face just to stand out here all night._

**_That’s right, you came to trick some drunk into fucking you. Go ahead, go nuts, I’ll still be here in the morning when your carriage turns back into a pumpkin._ **

_And if that’s how it is, fine. It’s worth it to make my mind quiet just for a while._

He jogged his way up to Ashelin and held out his card for the bouncer to scan before he followed her into the club. The hallway leading into the club was dark and lined with glow-in-the-dark paint splatters. _If you ask me, it’s tacky._ Nearing the end of the hall, Torn could see the flashing neon lights and mass of bodies grinding together in what could be called dancing.

 

“Welcome to the Monkaw’s nest!” He was stopped by a perky girl with glowing pink highlights and too many glowbands around her neck and arms. Ashelin was about to address the girl when she quickly interrupted, “Before you go in, tell me what yer lookin’ for tonight!” Ashelin shot her a confused glance, but Torn’s observant eyes picked up a board behind the girl.

 

There were a bunch of color listings meant as a silent system for hook-ups. Blue for men, pink for women, purple for both, and white for people who didn’t want to participate, “I’ll take a blue one.” The girl smiled, a little too wide, and grabbed a plastic, blue band that was about an inch wide, “Can I see yer wrist?” Torn glanced down at the unfastened band, _great…it’s one of those plastic fuckers that never comes off._

 

Torn sealed his fate and held out his wrist, allowing the girl to wrap and snap it in place. By the time she finished, Ashelin figured out the system, “I’ll just have a white one.” The girl pouted slightly in disappointment, openly ogling Ashelin’s chest, before retrieving a white band and fixing it on Ashelin’s wrist, “There ya go sugar! Enjoy the night you two!”

 

Torn simply nodded at the girl then grabbed Ashelin’s wrist, dragging her to an open booth, “I thought we were getting laid?” he mused as he sat down. Ashelin slid into the seat across from him and answered, “No, _you_ are getting laid. I’m here to make sure you stay out of trouble…and if I end up dancing a little, that’s ok too.”

 

“Seriously? I don’t need a…ugh fine. You want a drink?” Ashelin smiled triumphantly, “Get me a Red racer. Meanwhile, I’ll scope out the good ones for you.” Torn rolled his eyes and scooted out of the booth, “Yeah, have fun with that.”

 

As Torn made his way to the bar, he was aware of a few eyes on him. Hungry eyes lingering a bit too long on his ass, and disappointed glares from girls who caught sight of the blue band. So far, no one interested him, though he was gradually lowering his standards as time passed. He made it to the bar and placed his arms on the black metal counter, leaning over and sticking out his backside.

 

It was more of an instinctive move than sexual. He was aware of the fact that this pose was a seductive one, but he did it so often that it lost all sexiness in his eyes. _Who knows, though? Maybe I’ll get a bite._ “Two Red racers.” He held out his card to the bartender who nodded and swiped it in a scanner before chiming, “Comin’ up, sir!”

 

_The employees are a little too cheery for my taste. The drinks better be good._

He closed his eyes for a second, allowing his shoulders to sag slightly when he smelled an overwhelming stench of cologne and felt body heat from someone way too close for his liking. “Hey there, sweetheart. Lookin’ fer a good time?” The tone and inflections of the voice told Torn everything he needed to know about the person without even having to look at him.

 

And when he turned to look, what he saw only cemented the fact that he was NOT interested.

 

The guy was big…and it wasn’t just his height. He looked only to be about an inch or two taller than Torn, but he was built like a fucking Blastbot on steroids. The guy had a yellow buzz cut and was dressed in a sleeveless black tank and tight leather pants accentuating, for lack of a better description, a monster bulge.

 

He knew this type. These idiots act tougher than they actually are and believe themselves to be the ultimate male specimen that both women and beta males drool over. But this macho man yakow shit never revved his engine. In fact, it did the exact opposite. Torn needed a partner to give him the reigns, he needed someone to dominate.

 

Sure, he was a bit of a size queen and this guy was packing. But cocks aren’t everything…and Torn wasn’t _that_ desperate…yet.

 

“Sorry, not interested.” He turned back to the bar, hoping the conversation ended there.

 

Not likely.

 

“Aw don’t be like that, baby. Yer lookin’ pretty lonely here, lemme keep yew company.” He leaned down slightly and rumbled in Torn’s ear, “’Sides, Yew could use a nice stretchin’.” Torn pretended not to notice the way this brute thrust his crotch forward, displaying his bulge as he said that. He clenched his fist slightly to keep from making a scene and calmly replied, “I said. Not. Interested.” He didn’t even need above average intelligence to know he wasn’t taking the hint.

 

The brute laughed and got closer to him, to the point where Torn’s shoulder pressed against the hard muscle of the guy’s chest. “Come on, I can tell a bitch in heat when I sees ‘em. And yew looks like ya gone too long without a nice breedin’.” Torn took a deep breath. _Calm down…he’ll go away eventually._ “Tell ya what, Honey. Me ‘n mah boys’ been lookin’ fer a pretty little Ice-baby like yerself. Wha’dya say I buy us a couple’a drinks and yew let us take care ‘o yer tight lil’ boycunt.”

 

_Ice-baby? Is he fucking serious?! How the fuck does he think that’s ok?! This isn’t some fuckin’ porno!_

 

The second Torn felt the large hand grab a fistful of his ass, he decided all bets were off. “Get…your hand…Off. My. Ass.” He turned and gave the dumbass an icy glare, but the brute’s skull must’ve been too thick to register it.

 

The brute laughed deeply, “Now why would I do that? I know yew like it. Yew bitches are always playin’ hard ta git, but I know yer just achin’ fer it.” The hand started kneading his cheek, “Damn, yew feel nice ‘n plump too.” The hand gave a hard squeeze.

 

“I’m warning you. **Back. Off**!” Torn felt his blood start to boil, and if this dipshit didn’t get the message soon, he might have to beat it into his head.

 

“I bet yer bitch hole is nice ‘n tight too. Why don’t why take a peek-”

_Well, I warned him._

 

In a flash, he grabbed the wrist and applied pressure with his fingertips to a particularly painful set of nerves, forcing the brute to let out a shrill cry of pain. The brute pulled his hand back and Torn took that moment to quickly move to the other end of the bar.

 

As he moved, he heard the loud stomps and turned just in time to see the brute headed right for him, murder in his eyes.

 

“YEW FUCKIN’ ICER!”

 

Torn barely had enough time to turn for a well-placed kick before the man was nearly upon him, fist drawn back and aiming right for his face. He instinctively closed his eyes and raised his arms to block the contact…

…but it never came.

 

“Hey fucker, he said no.”

 

* * *

 

 

“TARYN BABY!” Daxter waved his arms frantically as he, Jak, and Tess approached the club. A short, blue haired lady looked up from her com and smiled, returning the wave.  As Jak walked over to where Taryn was standing, Daxter purred from his left shoulder, “It’s nice to see you again, sweetcheeks. Did ya miss me?” Taryn laughed lightly, “Well, I certainly don’t miss being sprayed with poison by you.”

 

From his right shoulder, Jak heard Tess clear her throat. She folded her arms and gave Daxter a slight pout. Daxter immediately straightened himself, “Oh yeah! Eh…Taryn, this is my girlfriend, Tess, and my bestie, Jak.” Taryn’s eyes widened slightly, “Oh, so you’re Jak? Daxter told me a lot about you. It’s good to finally meet you in person.” She held out a hand and Jak took it nervously. “Uh…yeah. Nice to meet you too.”

 

Taryn nodded and turned to Tess, looking her over before chuckling, “Well well, I didn’t expect Daxter to actually find his match, but I suppose there truly is someone for everyone. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Tess.” Tess visibly relaxed but still seemed a bit threatened by this new girl who seemed to be rather close to her boyfriend, “Nice to meet you too.”

 

Taryn sensed the discomfort and quickly moved to change the atmosphere, “Well then! Let’s get inside before all the good booths are taken. We have lots of catching up to do.” The blue haired woman strutted up to the bouncer and whispered something in his ear. The big man gave Jak a once-over before ushering him through the entrance.

 

The music was loud, but not unpleasant. His blood seemed to thump to the beat, and the bright lights endeavored to quiet the conflict in his mind. Taryn led the way down the paint splattered hall and walked right up to a girl with glowing pink highlights. She leaned in and said something in the girl’s ear, unable to whisper due to the overpowering music.

 

The girl looked at Jak and the two animals on his shoulder and gave them all a wide smile that screamed ‘fake’. “Welcome to the Monkaw’s Nest! Unfortunately, I can only give you white bands for the night. If ya want to participate in the unique activities, please go through the proper steps on our website!” The girl quickly snapped a white band around Jak’s wrist and seemed to ignore the ottsel pair on his shoulders, assuming they wouldn’t require bands for obvious reasons.

 

“Follow me, there’s a quiet booth near the bar reserved for business clientele.” Taryn grabbed Jak’s hand and tugged him around the edge of the dance floor. As they moved to the bar, Jak was entranced by the glowing, elevated floor with nearly a hundred bodies swaying together atop it. The dancing, if you could even call it that, was far too clingy and…intimate for Jak’s taste, but it was still a fascinating sight.

 

As they reached the booth, Taryn ran over to the bartender and placed an order for drinks before settling down in the booth. Jak sat directly across from Taryn and Daxter then hopped off his shoulder, excitedly chatting with his old friend. Tess sat down on Jak’s shoulder, her ears drooping a little, until Daxter motioned to her and waved her over, “-Yeah, Tessie here used ta be human. She gave that up to be with me! Aint she somethin’ or what!?”

 

Taryn’s eyes went wide and she looked up at Tess, “I would say so! That’s such a brave thing to do. It’s good that you found such a wonderful girl.” Jak could see Tess blush through her fur as she giggled and hopped down from his shoulder to join her lover on the table. Jak decided not to correct Daxter by reminding him that she wasn’t technically given a choice. Eventually, Jak tuned out the conversation going on between his friend and the blue haired lady and instead let his eyes wander over the dance floor again.

****

It was quite a sight…one that was so painfully contrasting to his memories of Sandover.  In Haven, everything seemed to be metallic. Chrome shimmering amongst neon lit streets, towering buildings that cast shadows on even the brightest sectors, and walls so tall that nothing could be seen beyond them.

 

 Not like Sandover.

 

Nothing could be like Sandover. The forbidden jungle, though dangerous and wild, was once full of life and mystery; the sad excuse of a forest it has become, destroyed by metal heads and careless patrols, paled in comparison. There was no beach either, at least not like he remembered. The clear blue waters and bright yellow sand faded to shades of black and grey from years of pollution and industrialism.

 

He missed it. He missed walking along sentinel beach and sneaking out at night with Daxter to wander about the jungle. He missed the villagers and how kindly they treated him. He missed his Uncle. The people here are jaded, fearful, and cold. Even the few good people he’s befriended seem to have massive chips on their shoulders.

 

Sig was the first real friend he made in Haven, and he wasn’t even part of it. Jinx…honestly, Jak barely knows the guy outside of work. Ashelin is nice enough and has helped him in the past, but outside of brief flirtations, he doesn’t really have a relationship with her.

 

As for Torn…

 

Of all his friends, he understands Torn the least. They say first impressions are everything, and if that were true, he and Torn wouldn’t be friends based on their first meeting. First impressions would have told Jak that Torn was a hostile, apathetic psycho who had no business running a rebellion. Nearly three years of knowing the guy told him that Torn is an enigma.

 

Forget the fact that Jak knows little to nothing about the Commander’s past, Jak can barely understand what’s going through the guy’s head in the present. Torn seems to be very cautious of who he trusts, and for some reason, Jak is in that exclusive inner circle, along with Ashelin, Tess, and for some reason Jinx.

 

And yet, in despite of how closed off he is, Jak noticed different sides of Torn that came and went so quickly you had to be absurdly quick to catch them. When he was with Ashelin, Torn seemed a bit flirty, though it never seemed like anything deeper than childish teasing. When he was with Jinx, he became some sort of sass-master. Jak swore he even witnessed a freak incident of Torn doing some sort of finger snap and neck roll in response to something Jinx had said. When Jak was with Torn, the side he always showed was, for lack of a better word, motherly.

 

The commander always talked softer with Jak and hung onto his every word like he actually respected his opinion. Over the years, Jak even noticed Torn smiling at him more or touching him in a comforting manner.  He always seemed to light up whenever Jak walked into his office and sometimes Jak even caught Torn staring at him with something resembling pride in his eyes.

 

Truthfully, it was nice.

 

Jak admired the older man and held a deep amount of respect for him. There are even certain quirks Torn has that seem almost…cute to Jak. _Like how he tends to get lost in his own head_. However, there was also another side that sometimes showed that Jak couldn’t really understand yet. It usually happened whenever Torn stared at either him or at nothing in particular. In that stare, Jak saw a glimpse of something that seemed to be hidden again as quickly as it appeared.

 

He always wondered what Torn was thinking during those times and wished he could just open up his head and read him like a book.

 

Either way, even with this small gaggle of individuals he has come to love, Jak knew he would trade everything to be able to go back to Sandover.

 

Haven may be his _true_ home, but he felt like he would never belong. At one point, he figured that Daxter and Keira felt the same as him, but Daxter was so unabashedly happy with his life that he seemed to forget Sandover entirely.

 

As for Keira…

 

Jak always assumed she felt just as out-of-place as he did, but ever since she started her sage training, she’s become more and more fond of Haven. She loves her garage, she loves working at the Stadium, and she loves helping Samos heal people at the hospital.

 

No…he was alone in his desires.

 

Alone and stranded in a city that he fought so hard for, and meant very little to him. To be honest, he felt more at home in Spargus, running artifact hunts with Sig. Maybe that had something to do with it being built by his father. It may be a desert, but at least there was bright yellow sand…at least there was clear blue water …at least there was something that felt like home…

 

“I’m warning you. **Back. Off**!”

 

Jak was pulled from his thoughts instantly. Being a hero had its perks, and he couldn’t seem to miss a cry for help. He looked around to see where the voice came from until he spotted a tall, blue haired man at the bar. He could sense the discomfort and anger coming from the distressed man, and saw the way that hulking mass of a man groped him openly and unapologetically.

 

Jak tensed up, getting out of the booth and slowly making his way towards the bar. He watched as the brute said something obviously nasty to the unwilling man and prepared to step in for the rescue, or hopefully the fight.

 

However, it seemed that the victim wasn’t as defenseless as he thought. The brute recoiled in pain from what looked like a very painful palm grip. The blue haired man was now speed walking toward the other end of the bar, and Jak figured he wasn’t needed after all.

 

Just as he started turning away, he saw the brute dash towards the blue haired man again, fist drawn back, preparing for a strike. The blue haired man wouldn’t be able to dodge it in time. Jak’s body moved on his own and he easily caught the brute’s fist in his hand before it came close to the blue haired guy’s face.

 

“Hey fucker, he said no.”

 

The brute’s eyes went wide as Jak easily overpowered him and shoved him backwards. The man was strong and if it weren’t for Jak’s eco enhancements, he would’ve been immovable. _Can’t believe I’m saying this but…thank you, dark eco._ He turned to look up at the blue haired man. _Geez he’s tall._ “You ok?” The man’s eyes were wide and he seemed stunned, but he gulped and slowly nodded. _Huh…is he wearing make-up?_

“Yew fuckin lil’ blonde FAGGOT!”

 

Jak turned and glared at the brute, already shaking off the shock and trying to intimidate Jak with his size. “Git out of the way. This don’t concern yew!” Jak growled low in his throat, “And let you assault this guy because he didn’t fall for your pretentious macho yakow shit? I don’t think so.” The brute turned red with anger and Jak smirked in triumph.

 

Eco burned its way through his veins. He was ready for a fight, been itching for one all day.

 

“Yew wanna piece of this, shrimp?!” The brute clenched his fists, flexing his bulging arm muscles, and Jak only widened his smirk and growled, “Bring it.”

 

Right before he was about to smash the asshole’s face in, he felt someone tug him backwards by the collar of his jacket.

 

“Thanks for coming so quickly. _That_ man right there was sexually harassing me and nearly assaulted me and my friend here.”

 

Jak turned and saw the blue haired man grasping his neck and speaking to two large men who looked like bouncers. His voice was low, smooth with a slight rasp, and sent an unexplainable chill down Jak’s spine. The blue haired man motioned towards the brute as he talked, and the bouncers both moved in front of them.

 

As the bouncers grabbed the brute and roughly started escorting him out of the club, the brute started shouting curses at both him and the stranger who just prevented him from relieving stress. He heard a sigh from slightly above him and looked up at the blue haired man as his grip on Jak’s collar released.

 

“Well, that was…interesting.” The stranger looked down at him, dark brown eyes searching his face for…something. “Yeah,” Jak chuckled lightly, “Too bad you stopped me from making it even more interesting.” The blue haired guy rolled his eyes and retorted, “Oh yeah, getting yourself kicked out and possibly banned from the only nightclub in the city would **totally** be interesting. Calling over the bouncers to kick that shithead’s ass out was the dumb move by far.” He crossed his arms and leaned back against the bar, blue eyebrow raised in a teasing manner.

 

Jak huffed and crossed his arms as well, “Glad we agree.” The silence between them hung for a moment. Each man looked the other over; one out of curiosity and the other out of scrutiny. Finally the stranger laughed softly and pushed himself from the bar, “Ok then, I’m gonna get my drinks and go back to my booth. See ya, hero.” The man turned to the bartender, who sheepishly held out two bright red drinks and handed them to him.

 

The blue haired man turned back to Jak and tipped one of his drinks in his direction as a friendly gesture before turning and disappearing down the bar. Jak watched him until he no longer saw the bright blue hair. He gulped, noting that his throat felt dry, and decided to just sit down on an empty stool at the bar and drown his mind in some delicious poison.

 

* * *

 

 

Torn nearly slammed the drink down in front of Ashelin, jarring her from reading of what was most likely a very boring document on her com. He sat beside her and chugged his drink. “Um…what happened?” Ashelin slowly moved her drink out of Torn’s reach. “Guy hit on me, grabbed my ass, then nearly killed me when I defended myself. And guess who the fuck saved me…FUCKING. JAK!”

 

Ashelin’s eyes went wide, “Did he recognize you?” Torn laughed humorously, “Nope! I had enough sense to disguise my voice, putting five years of spy training to use. But that’s not the issue.” _The issue is the man of my wet dreams is here on the night I’m trying to solicit casual sex from a stranger._ **_Bet he’d appreciate knowing his commander came here to get fucked like a Krassian whore._** “The issue is that he COULD recognize me.”

 

Ashelin relaxed and took a sip of her drink, “Please, if he didn’t recognize you as soon as he saw you, then I doubt he’d recognize you even if he actively tried to guess who you were all night long. You disguised your voice, and from what I heard from Keira, he’s really bad at voice recognition and gets fooled easily by disguises.”

 

_If that’s true then it’d be a miracle._

“Just, don’t worry about it. Have fun, get laid, and if Jak figures out who you are, tell him that we’re investigating a drug cartel.” Ashelin downed the rest of her drink and scooted out of the booth, “I’m gonna dance. Let me know if you’re leaving for the night, BEFORE you leave.” With that, she placed her empty glass on the table and strode out to the dance floor.

 

As he watched Ashelin’s retreating figure, Torn realized that he was now alone with his thoughts. He leaned back against the back of the booth and watched the dance floor, occasionally seeing Ashelin’s blonde wig standing out amongst the neon colors of hair, bracelets, and clothing.

 

_Maybe this was a bad idea from the start. Maybe I can last until Jinx comes back. I’ve got 44 days left until he returns. I can survive until then. I don’t need sex that badly._

**_44 days, 36 days, hell, even if Jinx was coming back tomorrow we both know you can’t last until then. You shouldn’t have refused that brute, at least you would’ve gotten laid by now. He mentioned having friends right? So, if you just sucked it up you could’ve gone through a few dicks by now._ **

****

_Ashelin went through so much trouble to get me here. I don’t want it to be a wasted trip. Maybe I‘ll just go get a few drinks._

**_Maybe if you’re drunk enough, someone will actually want to fuck you._ **

****

Torn slid out of the booth and once again made his way to the bar. He noticed Jak also sitting there, tucked away from the other patrons. As he stood there, staring, Torn weighed his options. He could either sit amongst the strangers and get hammered, or sit next to Jak and maybe have a conversation. The disguise voice wasn’t hard to use, and it seemed to work. Before he could make a decision, he locked eyes with the hero. Before he could look away, Jak waved him over.

 

_Well, guess he made the choice for me._

Torn flashed a small smirk and sauntered over to his blonde friend. When he reached the stood next to Jak, he leaned up against the counter and teased, “You gonna keep me company, blondie?” Jak let out a small huff and joked back, “No, I’m actually gonna be your bodyguard for the night” Torn raised a brow and sat down on the stool, “How thoughtful…Mister-?”

 

“Jak,” Jak turned his body to face Torn and held out his hand, “and you are?”

_He doesn’t recognize me. That’s good; now I just give him a fake name and-…crap._

He hadn’t thought of a fake name. Quickly he took the hand and blurted out, “Reise. My name’s…Reise.” _My last name? SERIOUSLY?! I could’ve picked anything and I go with the Haven version of my last name. I’m fucked._

**_Oh yes, and not in the way you want to be._ **

 

Jak seemed to buy the lie though. He smiled again and said, “Reise, nice to meet ya.” _Can’t believe that worked._ He waved over the bartender and ordered a refill of his beer. The bartender gave Torn an expectant look and Torn said, “I’ll just have whatever he’s having.” The bartender nodded and removed Jak’s empty bottle before moving to get the drinks.

 

As they waited, Jak looked him up and down and mused, “Ya know, you actually look kinda familiar. Have we met before?” _Did he figure it out now?! Gotta think of something FAST!_ Torn coughed lightly and averted his gaze, “I dunno. You may have seen me once or twice at work.” He instantly regretted opening his mouth.

 

Jak raised a brow, “Oh? Where do you work?”

_Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Uh, just say something general like the bazaar or the factory!_

“Freedom League HQ. I’m a…specialist.” _WHY?!_

Torn’s heart started beating rapidly, hoping his wild lie would stick.

 

“Really? Me too! I just started two weeks ago.” _Thank the precursors that Jak is dense._ The bartender arrived with their drinks and Jak eagerly took a large gulp of his beer before continuing, “So, if you’re a specialist, you know Torn, right?”

 

_You can say that…_

Torn grabbed his beer and just circled his finger around the opening, “Eh…sort of. He uh…doesn’t really talk to his recruits.” Jak gave a nod in agreement, “I hear that. The guy’s like a safe. I’ve known him for three years and I still don’t know more than his first name and title.”

 

_Has it really been three years?_ “Well, Torn’s…a very private person…I hear. People who know him intimately say that he doesn’t really like socializing. But then again, neither do you, Jak Mar.” Torn took a sip of his drink as Jak tensed up slightly, “Ah, so you’re ‘familiar’ with me?”

 

Torn let his eyes roam over Jak, noticing how tense he looked, like he was preparing for some sort of fight… _or rejection._ “It’s hard not to know about you, Mr. Hero.” Torn gave him a soft smile, hoping it would help the blonde relax, “You’re pretty famous.”

 

Jak seemed to ease up a bit, but furrowed his brow in annoyance as he nursed his drink, “Yeah, famous for being able to turn into a monster when I get a little angry.” He took another gulp of his drink, feeling the eco begin to boil again. He knew what people said about him. He knew how the council often expressed concern over his powers, even though he proved time and time again that he was on their side.

 

“Monster? That seems harsh. I didn’t think you looked like one.” Torn took another sip of his drink, “I mean, I’ve seen the videos, I know how ferocious you can get, but I wouldn’t call you a monster. If anything you’re more like a bejerka.” He looked back over at Jak and noticed that he seemed to perk up a little. The blond tilted his head in confusion, “What’s a bejerka?”

 

“It’s a mythological creature from the Icelands. Legend goes that a brave warrior with a hero’s heart has the ability to become a powerful beast fuelled by righteous fury. The beast is unstoppable and terrifying, but it only exists to protect the innocent. At the end of the day, the bejerka always becomes a warrior again. So sure, you may be a little intimidating, but I personally think you’re more like a guardian angel.” He dared another look at Jak and felt at ease when he saw the sad smile on the blonde’s face.

 

“Thanks Reise,” Jak sat up straight and gave a genuine smile, “No one’s ever compared me to an angel before. It’s a bit weird…but still nice.” Torn felt his cheeks heat up at the smile, but was sure it couldn’t be seen under the make-up. So instead, he laughed softly and ordered another round of drinks.

 

As the night went on, the pair drank and talked. Torn did his best to avoid revealing himself, but as time passed, Jak seemed less and less likely to see through his disguise. And so, he sat there, intently listening to every word Jak said and just allowing himself to bask in the comfort he felt in the blonde’s presence. It was nice, and for once, Torn didn’t hear the **dark thoughts** interrupt.

 

* * *

 

 

Seven drinks later and Torn felt pretty drunk. Jak, however, also had seven drinks and didn’t even look slightly tipsy. _How is he not fuckin’ smashed?!_ Then again, Torn always did have a low alcohol tolerance. He suddenly remembered why he was there. He glanced out to the dance floor again, barely able to distinguish actual people from the mass of lights and colors.  

 

_Geez, I should probably find someone soon, and get it over with. Though, I actually feel really good right now. Is talking to Jak actually enough to distract me? How is that possible? My mind has never been this quiet. Maybe it’s because he sees me as “Reise”? Maybe “Reise is easier to talk to than “Torn”? Well, if I need to dress up as “Reise” every day for the rest of my life to be able to be with him like this, I would do it in a heartbeat. He’s just so…amazing. I feel so good next to him. I feel so safe. I want to be like this all the time with him. I want to be closer…_

_I want him to want to be closer to me…_

_I want him to want to be with me…_

_I want him to want me…_

_I want…_

He was pulled from his thoughts when Jak asked, “Reise, Do you think it’s normal to want sex a lot?”

 

Torn paused and questioned if he heard that right, “Uh…like how often are we talkin’ about?” Jak shrugged and sighed, “I dunno. I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time over two months ago, and she doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me anymore. She doesn’t even want to kiss me either. It’s getting so damn frustrating and I’m wondering…am I the problem? Is it bad to want sex? I mean, how often are you supposed to want sex anyway?”

 

“Two months?” _Did I hear that right?_ Torn balked at that information. Jak went two months without sex, and here he couldn’t even last two weeks, “Geez, I dunno know how you do it. I need to get fucked at least once a week or I go fuckin’ bonkers.”  Jak’s eyebrows went up to his hairline, “Once a week!?” Torn took another lazy gulp of his eighth drink and droned, “Yep, but if I had it my way, I’d do it ‘bout three times a week. It’s normal to want sex, and most people in a relationship do it about once a week on average. I, however, am single and have a higher drive than normal people, so about twice a week is my norm.”

 

Jak blushed lightly and Torn tried not to think about how his “friend” was now looking him over. “How is that even…I mean…doesn’t it hurt? I heard about how guys…do it, but I don’t see how it’s…appealing.”

“It’s not for everyone, but I actually like anal sex.” Torn gulped down the rest of his beer before continuing, “It’s gotten to the point where I actually can’t even orgasm if I don’t shove something in my ass.”

 

Torn could see Jak’s eyes widening in confusion before the blonde sputtered, “But…HOW?! I mean…in the _ass_? It sounds really…unsanitary.”

“There’s a whole process I go through to clean out that area, Jak. I assure you, by the time I’m done; my ass is a lot cleaner than some chick’s cunt.” Jak’s eyes went back to their normal size before he shook his head and sighed, “Sorry, I still don’t see how fucking a guy’s ass is better than a girl’s pussy.”

 

Torn didn’t know what came over him, maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was desperation, maybe it was both, but something possessed him to lean over to Jak until he was inches from his face.

 

He threw caution to the wind and let his face fall into the most alluring expression he could make, “Wanna find out?” Jak’s face flushed and he sputtered, “Reise? What are you…wait are…are you seriously asking if I want to _fuck_ you!?”

 

_He’s so cute when he’s flustered. I wonder what he looks like during sex._

Torn shrugged, “Well, only if you want to. I need some action and you sound like you could use some relief.” He noticed how Jak looked down sheepishly and reassured, “It won’t feel much different from fuckin’ a girl, but I bet I can make ya feel so…much…better.”

 

Jak was now leaning backwards, his face completely flushed, and Torn suppressed a laugh when he noticed Jak looking down his shirt, obviously interested. The blonde clenched his fists lightly in mild reluctance, “I dunno…I mean…” Torn nodded and replied, “It’s ok, I won’t force you into anything. You don’t even need to put it in my ass for us to have fun. I’d be more than willing to relieve your frustration, but hey, no means no. Again, I won’t force you.”

 

Jak alternated looking at Torn’s face, his body, and the floor, looking like a moth trying desperately to avoid a flame. After a minute Torn watched Jak turn away from him towards the bar. He felt his heart clench in disappointment but simply nodded and said, “Alright then, no hard feelings.”

 

They sat in silence for a minute before Torn decided to try and do what he came here for. As he turned away, he felt a hand grab his arm and pull him back. He peered over his shoulder and saw Jak gripping his arm, as he nervously averted Torn’s eyes before muttering, “Reise wait.”

 

Jak looked back up at “Reise” and confidently stating, “I could use some relief, and…I’m willing to give you a chance.”

 

* * *

 

 

The second Torn pushed Jak into the small bathroom stall, his mouth collided against the blonde’s. The kiss was a bit rough and angry at first, all teeth, before Torn slid a hand behind Jack’s head and turned his head slightly to the side, slotting their mouths together. Jak seemed to take the hint and opened his mouth sheepishly, allowing Torn to slid his tongue inside.

 

It nearly made Torn cum right there at how submissive Jak was acting. The blonde seemed to have no idea where to put his hands, so Torn broke the kiss and pressed his body flush against Jak, pushing him against the wall, “You can touch anywhere you want, hero. But…” He grabbed Jak’s hands and slid them down his sides and around his hips to cup his ass, “I like it here the most.” Jak shuddered and moved back to lock lips again. As Torn slid his tongue against Jak’s he felt the strong hands squeezing and kneading his asscheeks.

 

A voice inside his head screamed through the drunken haze that this was wrong, but Torn was too far gone to listen.

 

He moaned into the kiss at the rough handling and slid his hands from Jak’s neck over his shoulders, feeling the strong muscles underneath the jacket. His hands moved down hard pecs and firm abs before stopping at Jak’s hips. Torn boldly slid one hand forward to cup Jak’s groin and _FUCK_ he was hard and HUGE.

 

_I want that inside me. I want to make him feel good…but actual sex may be a bit too far._

 

Torn broke the kiss and declared, “I got an idea.” He slid down to his knees and prompted Jak to spread his legs slightly. He looked up at Jak’s confused face and teased, “What? Never had someone suck your dick before?” Jak’s deeper blush and awe-struck look confirmed his hypothesis. Torn laughed lightly and scooted closer between Jak’s legs, “Well then, you’re in for a good time, babe.”

 

Torn ran his hands up Jak’s upper thighs and slid then over his hips, purposely avoiding his groin for the time being. He felt Jak’s legs tremble in anticipation and watched greedily as the large tent in his pants seemed to grow. Torn moved his mouth forward and lightly kissed the bulge, making the poor blonde groan in need. Torn slid his tongue up over the clothed bulge before using his hands to unbutton and unzip the pants.

 

As he pulled open Jak’s pants, he could see a wet spot forming on his underwear, where the poor man was no doubt leaking profusely. He nuzzled the bulge with his nose and toyed, “Looks like someone’s a bit pent up. Already this hard and leaking; I bet you wouldn’t even be able to handle my mouth on you for more than a minute before you explode in it.”

 

That seemed to illicit a strangled moan from Jak and he lightly bucked his hips forward, “Reise…please!” Torn smirked and traced a finger over the wet spot, circling it around what was most likely the tip, “Please what?” Jak clenched his eyes shut and groaned at the teasing finger. He panted lightly before looking down at Torn and begging, “Please…touch me!”

 

That was all Torn needed to hear. He quickly gripped Jak’s underwear with both hands and pulled it down over his cock. _Oh fuck…he’s bigger than I thought._ Jak’s cock was about six and a half inches in length, _probably only a few centimeters shy of seven actually_ , which wasn’t the biggest Torn has taken, but he was fucking THICK. Torn experimentally wrapped his thumb and middle finger around the cock and realized that he was barely able to touch his fingertips together. _He’s gotta be about 6 inches around!_

 

“Holy fuck, you’re gonna give me a workout.” _Maybe I should have him put it in my ass instead. This may suffocate me._

 

Torn gave the thick cock a gentle stroke, moving up along the shaft and gently circling the wet tip with his thumb. Jak let out a shuddering moan above him and Torn could tell he wasn’t going to last long. With one hand fisting the shaft, Torn used the other to pull out Jak’s balls, allowing his underwear to be tucked underneath.

 

_Fuckin’ hell even his balls are huge. They’ve gotta be three, no FOUR inches around._

Torn leaned forward and placed his mouth on one of the orbs, sucking gently as his other hand slid up and down Jak’s throbbing shaft. He glanced up and saw Jak’s blue eyes staring down at him, lust written over every inch of his face. He pulled back, bringing the heavy sack with him before he let go with a lewd pop. He gave Jak one more seductive smirk before aiming his cock down towards his lips, “Brace yourself. I’m pretty good at this.”

 

With that, Torn slid his hot tongue up Jak’s shaft from balls to tip in a slow yet fluid motion. He swirled his tongue around the head slowly before moving to mouth along the shaft, giving a particularly hard suck to a protruding vein along the side. He dragged his tongue up the shaft again and circled the head again before finally taking it in his mouth.

 

The cry that came from Jak at that moment was the most beautiful thing Torn ever heard. He gave a gently suck on the engorged cockhead and felt fluid spurt onto his tongue. Torn was never much of a cumslut, but _fuck_ Jak’s jizz actually tasted good. Torn rubbed his other hand along Jak’s shaft, working him up as his mouth worked gently on the head, careful not to overstimulate.

 

When he decided Jak could handle more, he removed both hands and braced them on Jak’s hips. Torn spread his knees a bit wider and straightened his head before he slowly slid Jak’s cock down his throat, not stopping until his lips touched the base and his nose nestled in the soft green hair around it.

 

The stretch in Torn’s throat was harsh, but it was worth it when he glanced up at Jak and watched his face contort in ecstasy. The blonde’s eyes were squeezed shut and his mouth opened to release a loud moan. Torn felt pressure in his tight jeans from his own growing erection, but ignored it so he could focus on bringing Jak off.

 

Torn gently pulled back off Jak’s cock until only the head remained, allowing himself to breath, before slowly sinking the dick back into his tight throat. He swallowed around the large shaft once before repeating his actions; reveling in the sensation of the engorged cockhead passing through the back of his throat and teasing his soft palate.

 

Then he started a rhythm.

 

Torn allowed his mind to get lost in the feeling of Jak’s hard cock gliding in and out of his throat and the sound of the encouraging moans echoing off the bathroom walls. He reached around and grasped Jak’s ass with both hands, allowing himself a selfish grope, before he sped up his pace.

 

At some point, Jak’s hand fisted the back of his wig, trying to force him into a more brutal pace, but Torn resisted for the time being. It’s been a while since he had a cock as thick as Jak’s in his throat. Jinx was about two inches longer than Jak, but about an inch thinner.

 

He felt as if the entire world melted away. That tiny voice in the back of his head screamed at him, insistently, that this was a mistake; but Torn was beyond the point of caring.  His throat seemed to open up around Jak, as if it were made for him to use.

 

And Torn would let him…

…oh…he would let Jak do **anything** to him.

 

His hands massaged the hard, yet surprisingly plush, muscles of Jak’s ass, wishing desperately that he could do more to him… _for_ him. He was so lost in the pleasure of savoring this forbidden fruit that he didn’t notice when Jak fisted his wig hair with both hands and yanked his head back, wrenching his cock halfway out.

 

Torn opened his eyes in confusion, idly wondering when he closed them, before he heard a chilling growl. He barely had time to glance at Jak’s eyes and catch the sparks of dark eco ignite in them, before Jak pivoted his hips forward in a brutal thrust, sheathing his cock inside Torn once again.

 

Then Torn lost control.

 

**And he never wanted it back.**

 

The pace Jak started was **_brutal_** to say the least. He moved forward where he was now leaning over Torn and pounding downwards into his throat with hard, fast thrusts. It was too much and way too fast. Torn barely had enough time to breath in between thrusts, so he focused only on timing small intakes of breath through his nose every time Jak pulled out enough to unblock his air channel. At this point, Torn couldn’t do much more than relax his throat, drop his hands and just _take it_.

 

_I can’t believe how much I LOVE this!_

 

He was so used to taking the lead, that having an initially submissive partner actually turn the table on him was strangely exciting.

 

“Fuck! Reise! So… _tight_!” Torn felt a wave of heat course through him as he felt Jak’s thrusts get impossibly harder. The blonde was growling low in his throat like an animal as he purred, “So good! You’re so good for me, R-Reise! Can fuck yer throat all day!” Torn’s thighs trembled from both the stress of having to balance back on them, and the absolute filth coming out of Jak’s mouth.

 

Saliva trickled down his chin and from Jak’s shaft in copious amounts, and Torn was beginning to feel a bit light headed. The vicious pounding of the deepest part of his throat combined with the praise was enough to send him over the edge completely untouched… **and it did**.

 

As Torn came in his underwear and most likely through his jeans as well, he begged whatever god would listen to him to make Jak release. The pleasure was fading and he was suddenly hyper aware of the ache in his throat and jaw.

 

Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long as he felt Jak slam his entire shaft inside him and felt surprisingly warm liquid shoot into his throat, most likely coating the insides white. _Fuck, guess those balls aren’t just for show!_ Torn had enough sense to swallow, but it felt like Jak was a fucking water hose with how much was still being pumped out and into his throat. _Do I blame dark eco for this_?

 

Just when Torn was worried he would either drown or suffocate _, what a way to go ,_ Jak pulled back until just the head was left in Torn’s mouth, allowing the last spurt to coat the inside of his mouth.

 

The hands released his wig, and Torn sat back on his ass, swallowing what was in his mouth and breathing heavily. The post-sex haze in his head was usually gone by now, but for some reason Torn stayed in that special state where he just felt…good.

 

“Oh fuck, are you ok?!”

 

When he managed to lazily open an eye, he saw Jak had already long come down from his high and his face showed worry and…regret.

 

_Fuck…that hurt more than I thought it would._

“I’m good…gimme a minute.” He closed his eyes again and slowed his breathing before turning to Jak and smiling dreamily, “That was hot. I haven’t been fucked that good in a long time. Thanks.” Jak’s worry seemed to melt into relief…though the regret stayed, “Oh good, I got worried ‘cuz…uh…sorry about the…roughness.” Jak looked away awkwardly. Torn just laughed softly, “Hey, I’ve had worse. Trust me. I actually kinda liked how you took over.”

 

Jak turned to look at him, a small smile formed on his face, “Oh…ok. Um, you want me to…” he coughed and gestured near Torn’s crotch. Torn felt his face flush and knew it was dark enough to show through the make-up, “No need, actually. I appreciate the offer but, like I said…I REALLY liked it.” He looked down between his legs and noticed a small dark spot forming through his jeans.

 

“Oh. Wow. That’s um…wow.” Jak flushed again as he held out a hand. Torn took it, allowing his “friend” to pull him to his feet. When he was on his feet, the two men stared at each other for an awkward moment before Torn silently moved to the sink, grabbed some paper towels and began to unbutton his jeans. As he wiped up the mess in his underwear and tried to make himself presentable again, he caught Jak’s face in the mirror.

 

The blonde was staring at the floor in a stupor. He looked like a leper lizard in the headlights, as if he had no idea what he should be doing right now. Frankly, Torn had no idea what to tell him. Getting his throat fucked raw sobered him up a bit and allowed that tiny voice in his head to break through and berate him for what was so very much a **_mistake._**

****

“Hey Jak,” he watched the blonde perk up and stare at the back of his head before continuing, “Is something wrong?  You know, this doesn’t have to be a thing. We can pretend it never happened if you want.”

 

_That’s literally impossible. There’s no way either of us could forget this. Well, maybe he could since he still thinks I’m “Reise”, but not me. Definitely not me._

“I don’t,” Jak stopped himself and collected his thoughts before he babbled, “I just…I don’t know what to think right now. I mean…” Jak crossed his arms anxiously, “I enjoyed it but…I kinda just cheated on my girlfriend with a man I just met. I’m…really confused right now.”

 

Torn froze. _Fuck! I forgot. How the fuck did I forget about his girlfriend?! What the fuck was I thinking?!_

 

Torn turned to him, quickly zipping up his pants before trying to reassure Jak, “Look, it’s not your fault. I came onto you. I pressured you. I took advantage of the fact that you were repressed, and you acted on impulse while tipsy. You can tell her that, if you want.”

“No,” Jak let his hands fall and he took a deep breath, “It is my fault. I could’ve told you no. I chose this. It’s fine, I just…need to think this through.” As Jak walked to the bathroom door, Torn felt his high slowly plummet to the ground. When Jak opened the door, he turned back and gave Torn a blank look, “Reise, for what it’s worth, I had fun. See ya around?”

 

_I knew this would happen. I knew this would happen. I knew-_

“Of course, Jak. See ya.” Torn gave a small smile as Jak turned and left him. Once he was left alone in the cramped bathroom, the gravity of his situation rammed into him at full force.

 

_I just took something that wasn’t mine._

_Could never be mine…_

 

He turned to the sink and leaned against it, staring at his face in the mirror. The make-up seemed to stay on even through his sweating, but his wig was slightly messed up in the back and his lips were swollen slightly.

 

…and he had drool and cum drying on his mouth, chin, and neck.

_Fuck…_

 

* * *

 

 

The music no longer pounded in his head, and the colors seemed a lit dimmer than before. He moved through the crowd, dazed, unable to truly focus on anything around him.

 

**_You really fucked up this time_ **

****

He was in the center, someone was talking to him. Saying something. A proposition? A threat?

 

**_How are you going to face him tomorrow?_ **

****

Someone had grabbed his hips and was grinding against his backside. He could feel the hard bulge. Alcohol thick breath whispered filthy white noise into his ear, and he just moaned in response.

 

**_What if he pieces the puzzle together? How will he react?_ **

****

He was being pulled away. The guy was shorter than him and had blonde hair. He didn’t get excited though…there were no splashes of green or bright blue eyes. Just dirty blonde hair that stank of product.

 

**_Will he be disgusted? Humiliated? Will he yell? Will he go dark?_ **

****

As he exited the club, something reminded him to text Ashelin, letting her know he was leaving. Leaving? But to where? It didn’t matter.

 

**_Why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t he be disgusted?_ **

****

He was in some Two seater. It wasn’t Ashe’s. The blonde not-Jak was talking. Should he even be driving? Did it matter anymore? He got what he came for. A hand ran up his inner thigh, stroking and squeezing with empty promises.

 

**_His boss…his friend…tricked him into having sex in the dirty bathroom of some sleazy nightclub._ **

 

Hands groped, scratched, pulled at clothing even before he entered what he assumed was a house or apartment of some sort. The false blonde was already grabbing at his ass, desperate and clumsy. Torn growled and fought back, biting lips and pushing his way to the nearest flat surface.

 

**_You ruined his relationship. Stuck your nose in where it didn’t belong. You’re a filthy homewrecker now. Something you swore you’d never be._ **

****

His partner managed to drag him to the bedroom and Torn attacked like a starved predator. He forced the man onto the bed and ripped at his clothing.

 

**_You ruined him…and you don’t even care. You just moved onto your next meal without a care…like a parasite._ **

****

The man was trying to dirty talk. _Why won’t he just shut up?_ Torn pulled off is jeans and underwear and straddled the man.

 

**_Go on, do what you’re good at. The only thing you’re good at! Fucking useless! Whore! DEVIL! HOMEWRECKER!_ **

****

Lubed fingers spread apart inside him. Not quick enough. He forced the lubricated shaft inside his ass. _Not enough!_

**_USELESS! UGLY! FUCKING ICER! GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY! MEANS TO AN END!_ **

****

Up and down, up and down, the pace was harsh, but he didn’t care.

 

**_ALONE! TRAITOR! COLD-HEARTED! UNLOVABLE! LEECH! DON’T DESERVE HIM!_ **

****

The man below him was too loud. He gripped onto Torn’s hips in abandon. Begging Torn to slow down, speed up, take it easy, do it more, _Fucking shut UP!_

**_ALONE!_ **

_SHUT UP!_

**_USELESS!_ **

_SHUT UP!_

**_TRAITOR!_ **

_SHUT UP!_

**_No one would miss you._ **

****

**_Just leave._ **

“SHUT UP!!”

 

He didn’t care if his partner looked at him like he was nuts. Maybe he was. The man looked like he was close to throwing him out, so he decided to play nice. He set a slower pace and started using his best tricks.

 

Then the room filled with the sounds of empty sex…

And the voices began to fade…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: This chapter contains violent oral sex, unsafe sex, self-hatred, and really bad choice making.


	5. I'll always love you and make you happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiya again! Holy shit this is longer than I planned. I don’t know if yall noticed, but I had to add a few chapters (and I may add more). It’s not like I’m changing the story. I have everything planned out; I just didn’t expect the chapters to be so freakin’ long. Also, if I break up the chapters, you get them more frequently, so YAY! 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains lots of feels, and sensitive subject matters. Check the bottom notes for details.
> 
> Special thanks to L.T. on AO3 and MoodSwingsAtHeart and Kratos123 on FF.net for their constant support and feedback! And thanks to everyone else who has commented, left kudos, bookmarked/favorited, and just took time to read my stuff! YALL ARE AWESOME!!
> 
> Anyway, ENJOY!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Icelandian 101  
> Oi: Informal greeting: Hey  
> Vesh io: Wake up  
> Malake: Fucker  
> Mal: Fuck  
> Mal zu: Fuck off  
> Pfeato: Bastard  
> Tci Skhe: Little shit  
> Skhe: Shit  
> Icela: shortened word for Icelanders.  
> Majra: bitch/whore/slut  
> Va yal ti: I love you  
> Va ima bur ti do grei: I don’t want you to hurt  
> Tci pfro: Little brother  
> Tci berj: little brat  
> Jaf skhe: big shit  
> Cheilo: dummy/moron/stupid  
> Ephirya: An Icelandic week-long festival honoring the Precursors and the spirits of deceased loved ones. The first three days are reserved for partying and get togethers, where people eat and drink a lot of alcohol. The fourth day is reserved for honoring the Precursors via family worship, and the final three is for honoring deceased loved ones through grave-visiting, memorial making, and reminiscing. This is the second most important Icelandic holiday (the first being Fuyeros, a winter holiday).

_It’s funny how something as simple and fantastical as a story can make you cry._

_By the age of 15, at the request of school or to sate his own boredom, Torien has read many novels about a crocadog that unsurprisingly dies at the end. It is common knowledge that if a story happens to contain an adorable animal, the animal will inevitably die in the last chapter of the book; and yet, every single time, Torien would finish each book with tears in his eyes._

_Sometimes, he would rent the holomovie inspired by the book and watch it on the crappy holoprojector in the living room. As it flickered and skipped all throughout the movie, even when he knew what was going to happen, Torien still managed to cry at the end._

_So when a strange guard arrived at the door and told him and his brothers that both of their parents died in a freak metal head ambush in the Bazaar, he should have cried. This wasn’t some shitty story that coaxed cheap tears out of the reader with the death of a fictional animal. This was reality, these were his **parents** , and Torien should have cried._

_But he didn’t._

_More like he **couldn’t**._

_Tearian sobbed into his shoulder and Arippa demanded details through glassy eyes and a cracking voice, but Torien felt nothing. Not pain or fear or sadness, just heavy darkness that coiled and squirmed in his chest like a hundred wriggling maggots in a carcass._

_He didn’t understand what was wrong with him, at the time._

_The therapist he was assigned to a month later told him that he was in a state of shock, and his emotions probably needed time to process._

_They never did._

_He never allowed them to._

_Torn didn’t cry the day after the news, or the week after. He couldn’t even cry at the funerals or during the reception when estranged family members and apparent co-workers sobbed openly in front of him. He felt discomfort as they stared into his eyes with pity, clasping his hand or shoulder in what they must’ve felt was a comforting grip. They all tried to sound empathetic but unintentionally came off as condescending, calling him both “brave young man” and “poor little kid” at the same time._

_He felt like he was trapped; like he was stuck in a small space, being crowded by shadows who, despite their intentions, he just wanted to get away from._

_There were some soldiers there, people who had worked closely with his mother, who paid their respects and offered their condolences in ways that were actually genuine and didn’t feel patronizing, but they were few and far between._

_As for his mother’s “family members”, he had more than enough of their “sympathies”. After having to listen to their pitiful attempts of comfort, he found that he could feel at least one emotion…_

_… **rage**._

_His mother’s “family” suddenly forced themselves in their lives. Being members of an elite aristocracy, they welcomed the attention and made sure to put on airs like a gaggle of arrogant toads masquerading as royalty._ _The lot of them blubbered during the service, and the head toads, who claimed to be his grandparents, smiled at their audience as they “happily” announced their intention to adopt their daughter’s spawn._

_Daughter…_

_Can you really still claim someone as your child after throwing them out because they fell in love with someone from a different ethnicity?_

_Thankfully, Arippa wasn’t convinced. Being 21 years of age now, he took full custody of his teenage brothers. This set their blue-blooded grandparents aghast in mock hurt, but he knew their offer was only ever made to further their own gain._

_They all saw their true forms during the reception._

_He tried his best, but he couldn’t help but overhear the conversation between the elites at the reception in the old funeral hall. The words stuck inside his brain and burrowed deep like lightning moles._

_“Oh! I can’t believe my poor daughter, whom I loved so dearly, died such a tragic and heroic death! Oh! My one and only baby!” cried his grandmother as she dabbed the corner of her eyes with a silk hanky._

_“Ah, yes. When we heard how she led her squad into the maw of those vicious metal heads, we were positively teeming with pride. We’ve always tried to instill a sense of duty and patriotism in her; it looks like our hard work has paid off, finally.” Lamented their grandfather as he raised his head nobly, being sure to present his best side._

_He didn’t want to hear any more. But as he weaved through the multitude of strangers, the dark mass in his chest started drawing bits and pieces of different conversations to him._

_“It’s such a romantic tragedy though. She actually died when she noticed her husband trapped behind a stall. She went to rescue him and let her guard down for but a moment. Apparently, it was then that one of the monsters got her.”_

_“I heard that her husband, the silly fool, ran out to save her and perished instantaneously.”_

_“Well, what do you expect from an Icelander? Oh, I mean no disrespect, but everyone knows they aren’t fighters. It’s in their biology, I read about it in a very interesting article about biological differences between races! He should’ve known that his best bet was to remain hidden or run to safety.”_

_“Is that true? How unfortunate. Just think, If he had simply run away, he could still be here for his children!”_

_He tried to walk faster, tried to quicken his pace, tried to keep the darkness from pulling those words to him like some hellish magnet!_

_“What irresponsible behavior on his part.”_

_“How terribly embarrassing it must’ve been for Malin, being married to such an ignorant man.”_

_“Though, I suppose she brought it on herself. Committing miscegenation and shaming her family name.”_

_“Scandalous!”_

_“And now what of her brood? They’re probably just as useless as their father.”_

_“Well, I could try to beat some proper Haven breeding into them, if their grandfather would allow it, but I fear I’d have just as much luck teaching a hiphog!”_

_Laughter at their expense…_

_Torien felt the anger bubble and boil in his veins. These vultures masquerading as mourners had the audacity to insult his parents… **at their own funeral reception**! And he couldn’t do anything to stop them. _

_Because if he did approach them, if he did give them a piece of his mind, if he did anything at all that defended himself in the slightest…he would be proving them right._

_Nothing they did up to that point would matter, everyone would only focus on the uncultured, disrespectful, aggressive, and rude **half-icer** mongrel that dared to defend himself._

_But he had to get rid of this undesirable rage festering and growing inside him. After the funeral, it seemed to become more and more intense. He lashed out in school, nearly beating Jinx to death when he pushed a bit too far._

_As for Tearian…_

_It affected Tearian the worst._

_Arippa was thrown into his work. With rising crime and constantly getting the longer patrols, he was far too busy to deal with the occurrences at home._

_Tearian only seemed to become increasingly more depressed as time went on. His smile was gone. He barely talked._

_Soon, he didn’t even cry anymore._

_The first time Torien caught Tearian cutting, he was in the kitchen. Torien could do nothing but watch in shock as Tearian slashed at his arm with a kitchen knife, tears caught on the rims of his eyelids. Torien managed to wrench the knife away and press a semi-clean dish towel against the oozing cuts, but when he looked up at his twin’s face, he saw emptiness…and shame._

_After that, Tearian only cut in the bathroom when he was sure no one would disturb him._

_Torien felt so lost…_

_So alone…_

**_So useless._ **

_His rage only increased as the year went on. He punched holes in the walls of his room, leaving blood and skin behind as he beat his fists raw. But it wasn’t enough._

_It only took the year after his parents’ death for him to finally drop out of school. The school therapist suggested breathing exercises, which helped at first, but he still couldn’t find an outlet for his rage. Unable to take it anymore, he left._

_And he took his anger out in a more secretive way, in the form of joining the Screaming Lurkers._

_He found the small gang of older Icelanders in an alley near his house. They had approached him and Tearian many times before, but they both declined to involve themselves in the brutal gang._

_This time, when they blocked Torien’s path and their leader started blathering about brotherhood and Icelandian pride, Torien simply nodded and allowed them to lead him down the alley to their base._

 

* * *

 

 

When Torn woke up that morning, he was starting to sense a bit of a pattern regarding his dreams, and he was not fond of it. He blinked the blurriness from his eyes as he tried to focus on his surroundings. He sat up slowly and instantly regretted it when a flash of blinding white pain coursed all through his head and a wave of nausea hit him.

 

_Yep, that’s a hangover._

_Oh fuck, why are they worse than I remember? Do they get worse with age or something?_

_…Where the fuck am I?_

Torn turned to his right and saw a blonde stranger lying beside him, looking very fucked out. He tried to run a hand through his dreads and found semi-coarse wig hair instead of his usual tied locks.

 

And then everything came back to him at once.

 

The drinking, the flirting, talking with Jak, Jak’s adorable laugh, the flush of red on Jak’s cheeks when he propositioned him, and his loud moans as he came down Torn’s throat-

 

His eyes went wide.

 

Instant guilt washed over him.

 

_Oh fuck, what have I done…_

He felt the sheets shift as his bedmate stirred, effectively jostling Torn from his panic. He turned and felt equally relieved that his “conquest” was still asleep and ashamed at his stupid-ass decisions.

 

All this…because he couldn’t wait a month and a half for Jinx to come back.

 

Slowly, Torn slid from the bed and began gathering his clothes, his pants and underwear had drying cum on the inside from his little tussle in the club bathroom.

 

_Jak’s blue eyes stared down at him, lust written over every inch of his face._

****

He grimaced as he pulled the soiled underwear on, lamenting that he had no time to quickly wash them out in the sink. He reached for his jeans.

 

_Jak pivoted his hips forward in a brutal thrust, sheathing his cock inside his throat._

****

The Jeans slid up over his hips surprisingly easier than initially. He buttoned and zipped them before grabbing his button-down from atop a lamp, thankful that it was turned off.

 

He grabbed his boots and lightly stepped out of the room, making his way to the door. He used every spy tactic in his elite training to exit that room and start his “walk of shame” down the hall. In the elevator, he slid on his boots and avoided eye contact with an old lady who was being very obvious with her disdain for him.

 

He suppressed an eye roll. _Oh fuck off, you judgmental old hag. It’s not a crime to hook up for sex. I’m a hard working adult and, unlike you, I don’t rely on Social security checks or my late husband’s life insurance to get by._ He knew in the back of his mind that he was being a little too defensive, but he didn’t care at this point.

 

 

Finally, the elevator opened and he quickly made his way out of the building. Looking around, he was relieved to find that he was in New Haven, fairly close to his apartment. The sun hadn’t risen yet and the streets were bathed in low blue light. _Good. Less chances of running into people I know._

 

He walked down the streets until he was on a familiar path leading to his abode. He dammed up the thoughts threatening to devastate his mind, knowing that his haphazard wall would only last until he made it into the safety of his shower.

 

When he entered his building, he ignored the janitor who cast him a wary glance, disregarded Mr. Ithysca who tried to make conversation with a “new face”, and even managed to sneak past his next-door neighbor as he finally punched in his room access code and entered his sanctuary.

 

Then the dam broke.

 

Torn nearly bowled over as his guts began twisting and bile rose in his throat. He clutched onto the back of his sofa and tried to even out his breathing. _Calm down._ His heart felt like there was a vice around it, constantly twisting and squeezing. _Calm down._ He felt sick. Images from last night flooded his mind like the highlights of a movie, unimaginably vivid and piercingly loud. _Calm down._

 

**_“Fuck! So…tight!”_ **

**_“So good! You’re so good for me…”_ **

**_“Can fuck yer throat all day!”_ **

_Calm down!_

 

He clenched his eyes and willed away the nausea; trying to shift the focus on evening out his breathing. Jak’s face, Jak’s scent, Jak’s voice…they all were branded in his mind and he knew that no amount of repressing would change what he did. _Oh Precursors, I fucked up. I fucked up, I REALLY fucked u-_

Holding a hand over his mouth, he raced as fast as his stiff legs would allow to the bathroom where he promptly emptied the few contents of his stomach.

 

* * *

 

 

“Where the actual fuck did you disappear to last night?! I was terrified! Ya can’t do that to me! Look at this body! I have a teeny little heart and you nearly made it fuckin’ explode into a bazillion pieces! I mean, I get that I’m an awesome god and all, but DAMN, JAK!!”

 

Jak felt his guilt increase as he watched Daxter pace a trench into his bar counter, working himself into a literal frenzy. Tess stood a short distance away and nervously attempted to grab hold of her panicking boyfriend every time he passed by her.

 

“You left without sayin’ nothing,’ then ya don’t answer yer com, I’m makin’ Taryn search the joint, and putting her security on alert for a missing blonde fuckbag!” Jak noticed Daxter’s entire form begin to tremble, and if he hadn’t noticed it, he would’ve just assumed Daxter was angry…not scared. “And THEN, after losin’ about ten fuckin’ years off my life, I find you…HERE…PASSED OUT IN A BOOTH! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!”

 

Jak sheepishly gripped the back of his neck and slouched his shoulders. Daxter’s screaming aggravated his steadily growing headache, but in a weird way, he felt that he deserved it. “I’m sorry, Dax…I don’t know what I was thinking. I just…something happened last night and…I just had to get out of there.”

 

Daxter finally quit his pacing, but the scowl remained. He crossed his furry arms and raised a brow; an aggravated invitation for Jak to figuratively spill the beans. Jak groaned and buried his face in his hands, propping his elbows on the bar before saying, “I met someone. I got kind of tipsy and…may have cheated on Keira…” He spread his fingers and peered through them at Daxter, who had replaced his scowl with shock, his mouth comically hanging open.

 

“You…cheated.”

Jak nodded.

“On Keira,”

Jak groaned again.

“With some chick from the club?”

“Actually he’s a guy, but he wore make-up so I guess that counts, right?”

 

The thud he heard two seconds later made Jak pull his hands away from his face. The fact that Tess was now fanning his best friend’s unconscious face told him that he may have fucked up more than he realized.

 

* * *

 

 

After literally an hour of scrubbing his skin with soap, Torn finally got all of the make-up off his body. The second he exited the bathroom, he heard his buzzer go off. Another flash of pain coursed through his brain at the loud noise, and he opened his mouth to tell whoever it was to go away.

 

“YOU BETTER BE DEAD OR DYING IN THERE, OR I WILL FINISH THE JOB MYSELF!”

 

…Ashelin…

 

_Fuck…_

Quickly, a dozen different excuses bounced around in Torn’s brain ranging from alien abduction to being a secret agent from Kras. All of which fell flat when Ashelin managed to hack his access panel and force her way into the living room.

 

Torn’s bedroom door was open, which gave Ashelin a direct line of sight to his wet, towel-covered form. He briefly thought about jumping out the window, but figured she’d just dive after him. So he decided his best bet was to give her the most pathetic, apologetic look he could muster up and hope she didn’t kick his ass too bad.

 

Ashelin’s face was nearly as red as her hair as she stomped over to him, thrusting her com in his face, “ONE message from you. ‘I’m leaving’. No location, no description of who you left with, and no follow up text letting me know you’re ok and made it home! I called you 15 times and checked your apartment TWICE! Do you have ANY idea how worried I was?! I told you to let me know when you were leaving BEFORE you leave. I did not mean text me! I meant **TELL** me!”

 

“I know, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. And can you please not yell?” Torn felt another wave of nausea, “My head feels like its splitting open.”

 

“Good!” Ashelin turned and stomped towards the kitchen, growling over her shoulder, “Saves me the trouble of doing it myself!”

 

Torn sighed as he watched Ashelin rummage through his cabinets for the coffee and decided to go put some pajama pants on to restore some of his decency. By the time he slid on a pair of blue lounge pants and returned to the living room, Ashelin was already brewing a pot of coffee and emptying a plastic bag from the bazaar.

 

When he saw the nausea pills, Lurkerade bottles, and special headache herbs he couldn’t stop the small smile that graced his tired face, “Aww, you really do love me.” Ashelin gave him a glare and huffed, “I should just leave you to your misery. You brought this on yourself and I really shouldn’t be babying you. Especially after the scare you gave me.”

 

Torn sat cross-legged on his couch and grabbed one of the throw pillows, hugging it to his chest, “Sorry, I was pretty drunk by the time I left. Barely remember anything.” Ashelin poured herself a cup of coffee, forgoing the cream and sugar, and moved to sit down next to him, placing a Lurkerade bottle and two pills on the coffee table in front of him.

 

They sat in silence for a minute before Torn weakly reached for the pills and drink. As he downed the pills with the first sip of the sweet energy drink, Ashelin prodded, “So, I assume the fact that you went AWOL meant that you got laid?”

 

“I think I did.” Torn placed the drink back down on the table, thankful that the pills were already kicking in, “I mean, I don’t remember much after…” He winced. The memories of his little affair with Jak throbbed inside his brain like a tumor. He groaned and dropped his head on the throw pillow in his lap.

 

“After what?” Ashelin raised a brow and tapped the side of her mug impatiently.

“I’ll tell you, but please wait until after I stop talking to yell at me.”

“Torn…”

“Ashe-”

“What the fuck happened last night?!”

 

He sighed again and lifted his head. He decided to just rip the Band-Aid off now and let the wound breath, “I ended up talking to Jak, getting drunk with him, and sucked him off in the bathroom.”

 

There was a long moment of silence before Torn mustered up the courage to look at Ashelin. The look on her face was one that he’s never seen before, being a mixture of shock, disbelief, and concern. Finally, she glared at him and hissed, “Are you insane?!” She furiously slammed her mug on his coffee table, surprisingly not breaking either, “He’s got a girlfriend, Torn!!”

 

“I’m aware, Ashe.”  
“He’s your employee!!”

“I’m **well** aware, Ashe.”

“He’s…actually, now that I think about it, I have no room to talk.” She blushed lightly and Torn couldn’t suppress a snort, “Yeah, you hypocrite! We _all_ know about your little smooch in the desert.” Torn chuckled lightly at the embarrassed glare Ashelin shot him, “It wasn’t…we weren’t…oh just shut it. It was a spur of the moment!”

“So was mine!”

“Yeah, but what you did was way worse and you know it.”

 

Torn frowned slightly and palmed his face and groaning into his hands, “Fuck…I know.” He wrapped his arms around the pillow, pulling it tighter to his chest and letting his head fall on top of it. “What  am I gonna do Ashe? I have to _work_ with him. I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. I pretty much deceived him and manipulated him into a sexual act. If he had known it was me…”

 

**_He’d have been disgusted._ **

****

“What I don’t understand,” Ashelin crossed one leg over the other before continuing, “is what would possess you to go after _Jak_ of all people? I mean, you were freaking out because you didn’t want him to see you; and then you turn around and jump his dick? What were you even thinking?”

 

Torn shrugged, “I guess I wasn’t?” He would take the fact that he had a massive crush on the crazy, mischievous blonde to his grave.

 

Ashelin placed a hand on Torn’s shoulder, squeezing gently, “Torn, is there something… _else_ … that you’re not telling me?” Torn looked down at her and scrunched his face in confusion, “What?”

 

“I find it hard to believe that you just randomly be… _intimate_ with Jak. Drunk or not.” She raised a brow, “Is there something more going on? Is there more to it? Like…do you _like_ -”

 

“No!” He said that a little too quickly, which told Ashelin that he wasn’t being honest. He cleared his throat and reached for his drink, “No. I mean, he’s attractive but…I’ve never felt **_that_** for him.” Ashelin didn’t look convinced, but she sighed and dropped the subject. She picked up her mug and took a large gulp of her coffee before sighing, “Well, either way, you need to tell him that you were his mysterious hook up last night.”

 

Torn froze and snapped his head up, “What?! No! Why the hell would I-”

 

“Torn,” Ashelin gave Torn a firm look, “This is a mess. I know this is going to be really awkward and will probably hurt your relationship with Jak a bit, but if you ignore it and Jak finds out on his own, you may lose him completely.” She took another sip of her drink before adding, “Also, if he finds out before you can explain yourself, he might kill you.”

 

Torn promptly let his head fall back against the top of the sofa and let out a groan, “Oh precursors, he’s gonna kill me.”

 

Ashelin laughed lightly and cupped his cheek, turning his face so he could see her smile, “He’s young, and you were both drunk, I’m sure he’ll forgive you.” She gave him a light pat before bringing her hand back to cup her mug. Torn relaxed slightly, yet his mind still felt like a hurricane inside

 

“But, I would keep a tranquilizer on you. You know…in case he gets **too** angry.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I don’t know **how** it happened, Dax. It just…did!” Jak was getting a little irritated by his orange friend’s constant questions being screamed in his face. The second Dater woke up, and after being told that he hadn’t imagined what Jak just told him, he did nothing but panic and scream questions at Jak.

 

“Why the fuck would you cheat on Keira with some random DUDE?!”

“I didn’t mean to cheat! I was so damn frustrated and he was really nice and-”

“I mean, why would you even?! Do you even swing that way?!”

“I-I don’t know…it just happened-”

“HOW?! How do you just let some strange blue-haired **MAN** blow you in a bathroom, Jak?! HOW?!”

“I was DRUNK, Dax! And I was frustrated! This whole club thing was YOUR idea anyway!”

“I DIDN’T EXPECT YOU TO RUN OFF AND GET FREAKY WITH SOME DUDE!!”

 

“ENOUGH!”

 

The two heroes immediately turned to awkwardly look at Tess, who gave them both a glare that would make even Sig cower. She took a breath, gave a small sigh, and calmly approached the pair, “Daxie, you need to stop yelling at Jak. It’s obvious that he’s very confused about his emotions right now, and needs a friend to _help_ him through this, NOT **yell** at him and make him feel worse.”

 

Daxter shrunk slightly, his ears drooping, and Tess turned to Jak, “And Jak, Daxie only invited you to the club because he’s concerned. He knows you’re under a lot of stress and wanted to just have some fun. Don’t act like it’s his fault that you hooked up with someone and cheated on your girlfriend.” Jak looked away, unable to keep Tess’s steely gaze. She lightly touched his arm, forcing him to look at her as she finished, “Also, you really scared him last night. You need to start answering your com, at least.”

 

She was right. They both knew it.

 

Jak spoke first, “Sorry Dax. I know you’re just lookin’ out for me, like always.” Daxter shook his head, “No, no…I’m sorry for comin’ on a little hot. I just…you scared me last night…disappearin’ like that.” Jak smiled softly and held out his fist, feeling a little better when Daxter returned the bump with his own smaller paw.

 

“Ok, now that we settled the Houdini issue, care to enlighten us about how you’re gonna explain this to Keira?” Daxter folded his arms again and Jak gulped.   


“I…uh…haven’t gotten that far yet.” Jak nervously scratched the counter with blunt nails, “I’m still trying to figure out my feelings.” He leaned forward and confided to the ottsel pair, “I can’t stop thinking about that guy. I mean, messing around with him was fun and, honestly it was way better than anything me and Keira did, but…” Jak smiled softly, thinking of the way Reise compared his dark form to that of a guardian angel.

 

“…when we talked, just sat at the bar and chatted, I felt so…calm. I felt good, like I belonged there with him. There’s just something about him that’s so different…and so familiar. He sees me in a way that no one does, and…I think the feelings I have for him are the same ones I have for Keira.”

 

“Woah there buddy! Let’s not get crazy here.” Jak frowned and rose a brow a Daxter gave him a stern look before elaborating, “Listen, I get that you had fun with this dude. And yeah, you guys may have clicked on an emotional level, but you’ve been with Keira for _years_ , man. You’ve always seen a life with her. Sure, you guys are in a rough spot right now, but are you really willing to throw that away for a guy you _just_ met?”

 

Daxter made a good point.

 

“I still love Keira…but Reise is unlike anyone else I’ve met. He gets me in a way that Keira never did.” Jak briefly paused to organize his thoughts, “But, you’re right. I did just meet him, and I’ve known Keira for most of my life. I’m not about to toss aside years of friendship for one fling. But,” Jak stood up and moved away from the bar before saying, “I need to know if Keira still feels the same way about me. I’m gonna talk to her about our future. And…I’ll tell her what I did.”

 

Daxter smiled and nodded, “Good luck buddy. Oh, and for what it’s worth…whatever you choose, I support you. So long as it’s not gonna hurt ya.”

 

Jak gave one more smile at his best friend before making his way to the bar entrance as his com beeped, alerting him that he was late for work.

 

* * *

 

 

Kal really needed a raise.

 

Torn knew that went unsaid since he put his poor Lieutenant through more shit than any other person in existence. Currently, the purple haired soldier was holding back his Commander’s dreads as he vomited into the waste bin.

 

He forgot to take two more nausea pills, and he really wanted some fucking coffee.

 

“Kal, get me some coffee. I got this.” As soon as the last word was croaked out, Torn resumed his previous position to dry heave again.

 

“S-Sorry sir, The Governess said not to allow you to have any caffeine. It only aggravates the hangover symptoms-”

 

Torn froze mid-vomit to yell, “Yeah well, she ain’t my mother, so please get me some co-” he couldn’t finish as another wave of nausea hit him. He groaned in agony and Kal simply sighed, “I-I can make you another cup of that anti-nausea tea if you like?” Torn spat into the bucket, trying to get the terrible taste out of his mouth, before replying, “Yeah, that’d be good.”

 

Kal nodded and released Torn’s dreads before quickly leaving the office.

 

Torn sighed and winced from his collapsed position beside his desk. Once the nausea lessened he moved to get rid of the waste bin, tossing the vomit filled bag down the incinerator chute just outside his office. Once he stepped back inside, he grimaced at the lingering smell of vomit in the air.

 

Luckily, he had supplies that he usually used to cover up the smell of sex that lingered after certain “sessions”. These supplies included an aroma can to cover the smell (vanilla pine scent), a toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

 

Because who wants to work when their mouth tastes like jizz?

 

After brushing his teeth and rinsing with mouthwash, he set to de-stinkifying the room. Just as he finished, Kal came back with a small tray holding a teapot, no doubt full of the anti-nausea herbs, a teacup, bottle of water, and a small package of thin crackers with wumpbee honey drizzled over them. After giving them a closer look, he knew what the mystery crackers were, “Sem-Meli?”

 

Kal nodded and set the tray on his desk, “The Governess gave them to me in the lift. She said you’d like them.” He saluted and exited the room, returning to his duties.

 

Torn stared down at the tray, a lump formed in his throat.

 

He tried to remember if he ever mentioned this Icelandian snack to Ashelin. He must have. He often kept them in his cabinet specifically for hangovers.

 

He reached down and opened the package, taking out one of the thin, round, honey covered crackers and turning it over in his fingers.

 

She was just being helpful…

 

…she couldn’t have known how a simple food could trigger a distasteful memory…

 

* * *

 

 

_It was well into the early morning hours when Torien collapsed on the couch. He had finally sobered up and his hangover was just beginning. After spending the entire night drinking and fucking with his SL Brotherhood, he couldn’t do much more than pass out as soon as his head hit the lumpy cushion._

_The dull throb in his head was nothing compared to the harsh ache in his ass._

_He woke up at least 10 hours later to a hand roughly shaking him._

_Part of Torien’s rebellious 18 year old mind wanted to kick the asshole who dared try to wake him, especially when he was currently nursing a massive hangover._

_“Oi, Vesh io, Malake!”_

_Torien growled in response, opening one eye to glare up at Arippa, disgusted by the presence of KG armor, “Mal zu, pfeato. My head’s fuckin killin me.” Ripp obviously did not give a shit, as expressed by his stance above Torien, arms crossed and hip jutted out to the side._

 

_“Where were you last night, Torn?”_

_Torien rolled his eyes, which was a mistake because he now felt a sharp spike of pain from the small movement, and spat, “Out.”_

_“Out where?”_

_“Mal! Just, OUT! Fuckin’ precursors, Ripp.” He turned over on his side, hoping his older brother would just take the fucking hint, get out of his face, and leave him to his misery._

_Not likely_

_“You were out with those fucking Lurks weren’t you?” No response. He heard Arippa curse softly and just knew that he was running a hand through his long dreads in exasperation. After what seemed like hours of tension, Ripp questioned, “What’d you do? Drug runs? Shake-downs? Whoring out? Eco smuggling for that fat fuck, Krew?!”_

_“None of your Mar-damned business, that’s what.”_

_He was on his feet so quick he nearly barfed. Ripp was lifting his hung-over ass off the ground as he pulled him close, their noses nearly pressed together. Torien couldn’t look away from Ripp’s cold green eyes, which somehow seemed to still retain some of its past warmth._

_Even with the past 3 years of shit they’ve suffered through, Ari was still stronger than him and all the Screamin’ Lurks combined._

_And he was still just as intimidating._

_“What…the **fuck** …were you doing, Tci Skhe?!” Ripp shook him, “That fucking gang is going to get you killed! Did you know, there’s a fucking manhunt going on for them! The KG are crackin’ down on security and goin’ after the gangs! Do you want to go to jail?! Huh?! You wanna rot in prison for some fuckfaces who claim to have your back but don’t even comprehend the meaning of sacrifice?!”_

_“FUCK YOU!” Torien mustered up enough strength to kick Ripp hard in the shin. Ripp narrowed his eyes, as the kick was blocked by his armor, and did not falter in his grip on Torien. Torien tried to go for a punch, but Ripp dodged it and flung Torien back on the couch, crawling on top of him and pinning him there. “Fuck me? FUCK ME?! No, fuck your shitty attitude, and fuck those assholes who are manipulating you!”_

_Torien squirmed violently under his brother’s grip, “They aren’t manipulating shit, asshole! They’re the only ones who’ve stuck up for me! They listen to me! They understand me! They’re my **brothers**!” _

_“No,” Arippa growled in Torien’s face, “ **I** am your brother. **Tear** is your brother. Those punks share nothing with you but half of your race.” Torien sneered at the mention of their mixed blood, “I’m not half Havenite. I’m a full-blooded Icela! You’re the one who’s rolled over like a tame pet for these entitled Malakes!” _

_That seemed to catch Ripp by surprise, as his grip on Torien’s wrists loosened slightly. Torien glared and hissed, “You wanna pretend to be some prissy lil’ Haven majra, go right ahead! Don’t try to turn me into a bitch too, like you did with Tear! The fuckin’ berj is so damn weak he can’t go three days without usin’ a razor! He’s a weak little majra just like you and every other Havenite!”_

_Ripp’s eyes widened, “I can’t believe you actually believe that about him.  He’s your fuckin’ twin, Tori! You’re supposed to be lookin’ out for him! He needs you!”_

_“Then YOU deal with him!”_

_“You know I can’t. Someone has to pay the bills in this dump!”_

_“Then get a job that doesn’t keep you out all day!”_

_“Now you’re just being stupid…”_

_“You’re stupid for thinking the guard will ever take an **ICER** seriously!”_

_He sat up, releasing Torien’s wrists, but staying in his position sitting on his hips, “You’re wrong. I’m not stupid, nor am I blind, Tori. I know the city is broken. I know that the guard is corrupt. And I know that some people will never treat me with respect solely because of what I look like,”_

_“But there are good, decent people in this city. People like Onin and Samos who see people for who they are, rather than what they are. This city is broken. This city is biased. But broken things can be fixed, and biases can be erased through our actions. That’s what Mahma believed, and that’s what I believe. Someday, I hope you come to see this city through our eyes, Tori.” Arippa’s gaze was like an inferno, trying to melt Torien’s cold heart._

_“You’re blind. You’re a fuckin’ Cheilo if you think that these people can change! You’re no Icela. You’re a traitor, and you’re dead to me!” Torien snarled in Arippa’s face._

_Arippa kept his face calm as he replied, “I know you’re hurting, Tori. You’ve been hurting for a while now. But this isn’t good for you. You need to leave that toxic gang. Please,” Ripp’s calloused hand lightly cupped Torien’s cheek, “Va yal ti, tci pfro. Va ima bur ti do greige. I’m your jaf pfro, let me help you.”_

_Torien stared up at his brother with a blank expression. Noticing for the first time how much redder his hair was than his and Tear’s. Only shades darker than the red of his uniform. He saw how dark his eyes were and how much tanner his skin was. The indigo tattoos stood out stark, the sun pattern shining down from his face, so bright that Torien wanted to look away. It was like Torien was seeing his brother for the first time._

_And all he saw was the Haven in him._

_He could see the truth now. Arippa was not a true Icela; he had abandoned his race…his people…his family. He was pure Haven. And Torien hated him for it._

_Torien’s eyes narrowed, and he blocked out the protests from his lingering conscience begging him to not say what he was about to. Deep down, he may have known that Arippa was right. Deep down, he knew the Screaming Lurkers were bad. But, his strong pride and festering anger kept his rationality and empathy at bay._

_“You’re not my brother. You’re nothing to me but a fuckin’ Krimson hog. And I hope you die for this damn city you love so much.”_

_He would never admit it, his pride being too great at the time, but he deeply regretted the words that came out of his mouth. The look on his brother’s face forced him to turn away, unable to watch it for much longer than a couple seconds lest he regain his sanity and take back his words._

_Silently, Arippa stiffened and slid off of Torien. He turned and swayed to the kitchen, where he stayed until Torien turned over, nuzzled against the back of the sofa, and lost consciousness again._

_When he woke up three hours later, he was in his bed. He could see Tear sleeping in the bed across from him; bandaged arm flopped over a pillow. No fresh blood though, so at least he didn’t act on an urge today. He felt his stomach growl and flung his legs over the edge of the bed, aiming to steal some snacks from the kitchen, when he noticed a plate on the small table next to him._

_It was a plate of Sem-Meli with a small hand-written note that stated “For the hung-over Tci Berj”._

 

* * *

 

 

Torn absent-mindedly scooped up some leftover honey from the inside of the empty package as he went over the slew of mission reports sent to him. As his sucked the sweet substance off his finger, the door to his office swished open and in strolled Jak.

 

Immidiatly, Torn went through a muscle memory reaction. Looking up at Jak, giving him a nod, and motioning for him to sit down. By the time his brain caught up with him, he felt his heart drop into his stomach and every fiber in his body freeze.

 

Jak smiled pleasantly, “Hey Torn, what’s the mission?”

 

Torn avoided Jak’s gaze and coughed, jolting himself back to attention, “Um…not much. Just…my scouts reported strange eco activity near the pumping station. They think a new vent opened. Check it out.” Without looking at Jak, Torn sent him the mission via com and turned his chair to the side, trying to subtly ignore Jak in a way that wasn’t too suspicious.

 

Then he realized he shouldn’t be doing that.

 

Because he still needed to tell him about the other night.

 

“You ok, Torn? You’re kinda quiet today.”

 

Torn swallowed around the lump in his throat as he piped, “Yeah just…rough night last night.” He really hoped the conversation would end there, but Jak was nosey. “Oh? Somethin’ happen?”

 

_Yep. I sucked your dick! Fun! How did you sleep?_

_No…_

_I should tell him right now. Get it over with. Just calmly say “we need to talk”, explain why I was at the club, and shoot him with the tranquilizer gun if he goes dark._

“Nah, just some…relationship problems.” Torn internally screamed at his own cowardice. This was not going well, and he really needed to just spit it out. _Hi! I’m Reise! I deceived you, got drunk, and possibly ruined your relationship with what’s-her-name!_

Jak quirked his brow, “Oh? Are you and Ashelin fighting or something?”

“Broken up, actually.”

Jak gave a grimace and sympathized, “Really? Geez, I’m sorry man.”

_Not as sorry as I’m gonna be…_

“Don’t worry about it.” Torn gave a small shrug, “It was mutual and long overdue, which I’m sure you guys all figured considering how often we broke up. But, we’re broken up permanently this time and…we’re good now.” _No more stalling. I need to tell him._

“Hey, listen Jak-” “Torn, can I ask you something?”

 

Any thoughts in Torn’s head suddenly flew out when Jak talked over him, “Um…sure?”

 

Jak anxiously scratched at his hand as he muttered, “It’s about…Keira. We’ve been having…issues…and I wanted to know, how do you get someone to sit down and talk to you about…things?” Torn inwardly sighed, _you’re askin’ the wrong person, kid._ _When you figure it out, let me know._ “What makes you think I’m the best person to ask?” Jak shrugged, “You’re the only person I know with past relationship issues?”

 

_That…actually is a good reason._

“Fair enough,” Torn turned to face Jak and sighed, “Well, first off, get Keira alone. Then simply tell her that you need to talk. Then…uh…talk.” _I suck at this._

Jak blinked slowly, as if trying to decipher a code, “That’s it? Just…ask her to talk and then...talk?”

 

_Oh Mar almighty, it sounds even dumber when HE says it._ “Yep, that’s how I’d do it.” Torn winced slightly at the irony of his statement, _I can’t even take my own damn advice. He shouldn’t take my advice. No one should take my advice! I SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO GIVE ADVICE!_

Jak, however, seemed satisfied as he grinned and said, “Thanks Torn. I really appreciate it.” He stood and moved to the door. _Fuck!_ _He’s leaving. It’s now or never!_ “Jak!”

 

Jak turned at the sudden yell and gave Torn a questioning look. Torn felt the words catch in his throat. _Tell him! Tell him! You need to tell him right now! Don’t make another mistake! Just tell him the truth and everything will be-_ “Make sure you send me a full report after you finish your investigation, k?” Jak nodded, “Always. See ya.” With that, Jak left and Torn let his head thump onto his desk as he groaned in defeat.

 

**_Nice work! You managed to dodge the issue very well, good for you!_ **

****

_Really don’t need this right now._

**_Yeah, you’re right. What you need right now is to explain to Ashelin why you couldn’t just tell Jak the truth. Maybe she’ll beat some sense into your sorry ass. Or, better yet, maybe she’ll tell Jak for you! She’s got more balls than you anyway._ **

****

_I can’t do it…why can’t I just tell him? The longer I drag this out, the worse it will be for both of us._

**_Might as well just give up then; you and I both know that you’re too much of a coward to do the right thing._ **

****

_That’s not..._

**_In fact, why don’t you go ahead and fuck him again? You’re very good at manipulating every angle to ensure the best possible outcome for yourself._ **

****

_No…I wouldn’t do that to him…_

**_Please! Stop fooling yourself. You can’t be trusted. You’ll always put your own comfort first!_ **

****

_That’s not true!_

**_Doesn’t matter who you hurt along the way, so long as little Tori can come out on top…_ **

****

_Stop it!_

**_You ruin everything you touch. You’ve ruined the lives of the people you love the most with your selfish decisions._ **

****

_Please…_

**_And Arippa…_ **

****

Torn froze, spine napping upright.

 

**_Do you really think your time in the guard was enough to erase what you did to him…to your own brother? It will never go away, and you will never be forgiven._ **

****

_SHUT UP!_

 

Torn picked up his desk lamp and hurled it at the wall adjacent to him. The light dented the wall and the bulb broke once it crashed to the floor. _Calm down._ He felt the anger boiling inside him, his hands shook, and he tried to breath. _Calm down._

 

He couldn’t breathe.

 

He ground his teeth and kicked his office chair over, miraculously not breaking it. _Calm…Down!_ Pulses of anxiety flashed through him and he quickly fisted his dreads, pulling at them to keep from breaking something else.

 

He was shaking

 

It felt like a monster was clawing its way through his limbs, trying to push his bones aside and use him like a puppet.

 

He needed to stop…

 

…wanted to stop…

 

He was **not** ready to face this now.

 

_CALM DOWN!_

PING PING

 

The small, shrill noise was just loud enough to bring Torn out from the whirlpool beginning to take over. Someone was trying to video-call him on his com. He picked up his office chair and sat down in it. He sat up and looked down at the ID.

 

The monster stilled, as if taking a break, and Torn felt his anxiety and anger slink back to regroup in the darker recesses of his mind.

 

He breathed in and out to calm his nerves and try to look at least a little normal. He held up his com and answered it, “Oi, Tear.”

 

“Tori!!” The cheery face that engulfed his com was a mirror image of his own, sans tattoos. “Sorry I missed ya the last couple days.” Tear grinned sheepishly and twirled a chestnut braid absently before allowing it to fall back down his back, joining the vine-like plaits held together in a high ponytail. “It’s been fuckin’ bonkers over here!”

 

“I hear ya, wait,” Torn squinted at the screen, “did your hair get longer or am I just seeing things?” _It hasn’t been **that** long since I last saw him, has it?_

 

Tear beamed and nodded, reaching around to bring his mop of braids into view, “Yep! I’ve been tryin’ this new growth stim oil, Krysa says it’s really good for Icelandian hair, literally grew two inches in a week!” He flung the hair back over his shoulder, “It’s down to my ribs now! You should try it; I’ve still got some left. Oi! If ya trade the dreads for braids, we can match!”

 

Tear grinned even wider and, somehow, seeing his smile was enough to calm his head…for the time being. “I think I’d sooner shave my head.” Torn barely managed to stifle a chuckle at the sight of Tear’s puffing cheeks as his twin huffed, “Fine then! Be a kill-joy, fuckin’ Pfutar!”

 

It was then that Torn noticed the light bags under wide blue eyes, and how Tear’s skin seemed a little paler than before, making the small freckles on his nose stand out a bit more. Torn felt a stab of fear, “Tear? Is everything ok with you?” His twin seemed a bit confused at the question, “Why wouldn’t it be?”

 

Torn really didn’t want to bring it up, but he and Tear were very much alike in the ‘stuff it down and let it ferment until it starts poisoning you’ department. “It’s just…you look kinda…tired.” He didn’t want to ask, but Tear seemed to understand what he was _really_ asking and gave a soft smile, “I’m ok, bro. Nothin’ bad has happened in a long time. You can check my wrists if it’ll make ya feel better.”

 

Tear held up a hand clothed in semi-long fingerless gloves and smiled widely, “Nothin new under here! Promise! But I guess I look tired ‘cuz the tavern’s been really busy this past week. I’ve had like, two hours of sleep, dude, no joke!”

 

Torn breathed an inward sigh of relief; glad that his brother hadn’t relapsed in his absence. Though, when he looked at the gloved hand, he felt another twinge of guilt. _If only I had paid more attention._

Overall, though, his twin looked happy as usual, albeit very exhausted, “Really? Is it tourist season or somethin’?” Tear gave him a look that could only be described as a pout mixed with disbelief, “Uh, do you seriously not know what week it is, starting tomorrow?” Torn raised a brow and gave his brother a blank look that told him everything.

 

“Are you fuckin’ serious, Tori!? It’s Ephirya, you fuckin’ Cheilo!” Tear gave him another pout, this one a little more childish, and Torn’s eyes went wide.

 

_What? It’s already Ephirya? How did I miss that?_

Tear sighed dramatically before huffing, “So I guess your stunned silence means you’re skipping it…again?” Torn really wished he didn’t have to see the sadness on Tear’s face. It honestly wasn’t helping his already fragile emotional state. “Sorry Teari…but yeah…gotta skip again. It’s too short of a notice to request leave right now.”

 

“I know.” Tear managed a small smile, but it was obvious to Torn that he was disappointed, “This world has been through so much shit this past decade that I’m surprised we’re able to celebrate this year at all, heh.” Tear’s smile fell a bit, “Still, I was kinda hoping that you’d be able to come up this year. I-I really miss you. We’re both so busy with our jobs and individual lives that-” He trailed off, seeming to be unable to form the words for what they both were thinking.

 

_-we’re growing apart._

“Hey! I got an idea! Why don’t I come to see you?!” Tear beamed as his mood shifted immediately, “We can celebrate the last two days, just like we used to! I can let my assistant manager run the inn for the last few days, and I’ll just catch a transport to Haven-”

 

“Tear…” Torn sighed, cutting his brother off, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” It hurt him to see Tear’s face fall again, “This is the busiest week of the year for you. You need the money and you can’t just push everything off on your _one_ employee.” That wasn’t true, but he couldn’t tell Tear why he really thought he shouldn’t come down.

 

  _I don’t know what being back in Haven would do to you…I don’t know if you can handle it…I don’t know if I can handle it._

 

“But-”

 

“I’ll come visit you after Ephirya is over. Honestly, I don’t get why you’re adamant about coming during the worst possible time.” Torn gave his brother a reassuring smile, but Tear still sulked.

 

“It’s just…” Tear seemed to be assessing his next words, as if preparing to walk around eggshells, “It’s finally peaceful, and we haven’t celebrated Ephirya since…” Tear looked Torn directly in the eye, reluctant to say the words aloud.

 

_…since Arippa…_

He **REALLY** couldn’t do this right now.

 

“Look, I’ll come visit you soon, ok? I gotta go right now, but I’ll call you tomorrow, k?” He watched Tear nod dejectedly. Torn snapped his fingers in front of the com, “Hey,” Tear looked up and Torn taunted, “Va yal ti, tci skhe.”

 

Finally, Tear smiled at him and giggled back, “Va yal ti, jaf skhe!” Tear laughed as he ended the call. Torn sat there, smiling. Tear’s laugh never changed. In fact, Tear seemed to reinstate at least a small glimmer of the child he used to be.

 

The child that existed before their world fell apart.

 

He looked at Tear, and he saw fragments of happier days from an innocence that has long been snuffed out in him. He closed his eyes, imagining a smiling boy, his mirror image, laying on his stomach as he watched Torn draw.

 

He envisioned Tear running ahead of him as they walked home from Samos’s hut. His pockets filled with stolen cookies.

 

He remembered coming home after a full day of KG training, calling out to Tear, asking what he wanted for dinner…and getting no response.

 

He remembered running up the stairs, hoping to find his brother passed out on his bed…exhausted from work.

 

He remembered opening the bathroom and seeing the pool of blood forming on the tiled floor, catching terrified blue eyes as they peered up at him, glassy and red-rimmed.

 

Tear had screamed at him as he applied pressure to the freshly slit wrists, begging him to leave, _to let him die._

Torn had to be selfish.

 

Sending Tear to the Icelands was hard. But there was a rehab facility there what was more advanced than anything in Haven. And the main problem was Haven itself. It was too painful for Tear…too much for him…and it drove him to attempt suicide.

 

Torn let out a choppy breath as he covered his eyes with a shaky hand.

 

__Soon, Tear will be able to come back, and face this city. Soon, he’ll come and be able to walk the streets without seeing only bitter memories. I’ll show him how much it’s changed and we’ll both laugh, and cry, and celebrate Ephirya again…but not now. Not when I can’t even get my own shit in order._ _

 

* * *

 

 

Keira was just about to close up for the night. She had a pretty productive day of mechanic work; three zoomers and _finally_ Ashelin’s hellcat. As she put the last tool away, she heard someone coming down the hall.

 

She opened her mouth to state that she was closing up, when Jak came into view. “Oh, hey Jak! What’s up?” Jak shifted nervously before saying, “Hey, I just…I want to apologize for…that day. I was out of control and…I hurt you-”

 

“Don’t worry about it…I-I’m fine.” Keira absently rubbed at her wrist and looked away.

 

Jak winced at the dismissal, but he kept his focus on why he came, “Regardless, I still hurt you, and that was wrong so…I’m sorry.” She smiled and moved to hug him, but he pulled back, “That’s not all. Keira…we need to talk. Like _really_ talk…about us.”

 

He could see her nervous shifting as she replied, “C-can we like…not do this now? I’m really tired and-”

 

It was playing out just like last time, and Jak felt anger start to take center stage again. But he refused to act like the monster he was last time, “It won’t take too long, I promise! But this is really important to me and-”

 

“Jak, I really don’t want to do this right now. Can we please talk later?”

 

**“There never is a later!!”**

Keira jumped in shock and Jak’s eyes widened with surprise. He didn’t mean to scream, especially in a way that sounded so…aggressive. He looked up at Keira, seeing the fear in her eyes, and breathed in, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just…it’s never a good time with you. You’re always busy or tired, and we never have time to spend together let alone talk about our relationship.”

 

He saw the fear start to leave Keira’s eyes, but also saw how apprehension replaced it.

 

“I miss you. I’m lonely, and I want to spend more time with you. But you’ve been avoiding me for over two months now, and it’s not fair that you won’t even tell me why!” Jak tried to keep his anger down, but his aggravation and guilt were starting to show through.

 

“It’s  not that-”

 

He cut her off, “I like you! I’ve always liked you, but I can’t love you unless you feel the same way about me. So, I need you to answer me right now, truthfully.” He looked her in the eye, “Do you love me?”

 

“That-that’s…complicated.” She looked away, and Jak’s heart sunk.

 

“What do you mean ‘complicated’? Do you or do you not love me, Keira?!”

 

Keira’s eyes went wide. She opened and closed her mouth like a fish, as if afraid to answer him.

 

And that was more than enough of an answer for him. Jak narrowed his eyes and growled, “You don’t…”

 

Keira panicked, “No! I do! It’s just…not…it’s different than how you…I can’t…it’s hard to explain!” Jak stomped over to her, his anger taking over, “How hard is it to say that you don’t love me?! Just fucking say it!”

 

“It’s not that easy-”

 

 “Yeah it is!”

 

“It’s not easy because I’d have to tell you a secret that I’m not ready to tell you!”

 

“I have secrets too! Here’s one, **I CHEATED ON YOU LAST NIGHT**!”

 

The garage got too quiet.

 

Keira froze and stared blankly at Jak, who had just realized what he screamed. Before she could even say a single word, Jak used his light powers to freeze time and run off to Mar knows where.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Story contains gang issues, depression, anxiety attacks, self-harm, and attempted suicide.


	6. If you will only say the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so we have a LOT of story building and ANGST, so all aboard the Angst train CHOO CHOO! Also, some smexy times and more Torn being a dumbass! YAY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Icelandian 101  
> Malake: Fucker  
> Mi Pfro: my brother  
> Jainghel: asshole  
> Va ul ti: I hate you  
> Mal: Fuck  
> Cheilo: Dummy/moron/idiot

 

 

 

It took over an hour of searching, but Keira finally figured out where Jak ran off to. She knew her eco tracker would come in handy! She set it to light eco and followed the trail Jak left behind, leading her to the wall where the gate to Dead Town used to be. _Damn it, Jak…why must you always make it so hard for me?_

Luckily, Keira also brought her yellow eco rocket pack.

 

She clicked a button on her waist and grunted as the pack on her back cinched and the rockets engaged. Quickly, she propelled herself upwards and just barely made it on top of the wall. Once she got her footing and deactivated the rockets, she pulled her goggles down and zoomed in on the place she believed Jak was hiding in.

 

She couldn’t see inside the decrepit hut and frankly she was surprised that it was still standing.

 

She slid her goggles back on top of her head and suddenly her chest felt a bit tight. _Wow…I haven’t seen that place since we came to the future. Jak said it was still standing but…damn, I can’t believe it._

She steeled herself, now was not the time for reminiscing. She had an idiot boyfriend to talk to and a friendship to mend.

 

She looked around, trying to see the best method to get to the hut. She smiled a little impishly, _well; at least I can test out some of my new inventions!_ She squatted and flipped a switch on the back of her boots, glad that she had enough sense to bring them. She smiled victoriously as they lit up bright red and whirred to life.

 

She took a breath and jumped off the wall, keeping her legs straight. Just before she hit the ground, she clicked her boots together, shooting out a small pulse of red eco and allowing her to land safely on the ground. She stumbled and barely stopped herself from falling over, but at least she knew they worked.

 

She scanned the area for the best path and was nearly overjoyed in learning that she would have to jump over pools of toxic water. She bounced from one piece of exposed land to another as she made her way to the hut. The second she was just underneath it, she activated her rocket boosters again, landing on the nearest platform of the crumbling building.

 

Just a few more.

 

She navigated her way amongst the ruins, climbing higher until she reached the ledge where the hut perched precariously. She landed softly and deactivated her boosters. “Jak?” she called out, receiving no answer. She slowly tiptoed across the wooden bridge leading to the entrance.

 

She let her eyes wander about the remains of what was her home. A part of her seemed saddened at seeing such an important place from her childhood reduced to near-debris. Though, in a strange way, she wasn’t as remorseful or devastated as she believed she would be.

 

This hut was simply a stage in her life, and it simply ended.

 

She was halfway over the bridge when the wooden board broke.

 

She let out a shriek as she fell through, quickly grasping a fallen rope as she dropped below the bridge, dangling high above the toxic lake. Her heart rapidly beat as she gripped the rough rope. She quickly activated her boosters and moved to fly up through the hole. The second she let go of the rope, her thrusters sputtered as the last flames of yellow eco fizzled out…

 

And she was plummeting to the black water below.

 

“JAK!” she closed her eyes as the water neared, preparing for the splash and pain…and instead feeling something thunk against her body, lifting her up into the air again. She opened her eyes and had to squint, as the light emanating from Jak’s body was very bright.

 

She smiled and wrapped her arms around Jak’s neck, though she reminded herself to smack him later for the unnecessary drama.

 

As they landed on the porch of the hut, Jak’s wings disappeared in a puff of light. Jak gently set Keira down on her feet before he hastily pulled her into a hug, “Are you insane?!” He squeezed her firmly, “What the hell are you doing out here? It’s dangerous! You could’ve died just now!”

 

Keira returned the hug, nuzzling Jak’s shoulder gently, “I thought you’d be here…” She could feel him tense up and gently pulled away, walking inside the hut. “It’s strange…seeing this place so broken down and decrepit. It feels like it’s been hundreds of years since I’ve been here, even though it’s only been about…what 5 or 6?” She walked over to the remnants of the old warp gate and ran a hand across the wood.

 

“It’s been 6 years…” Jak followed her inside, but kept a 6 foot distance. Keira looked at him and moved towards him, “Look,” she grabbed his hand, making him glance at her in confusion, “I haven’t been fair to you. You’re right, we need to talk so…let’s talk.” Keira gripped Jak’s hand tighter and led him out of the hut, moving down the steps to what used to be her room/garage. She paused at the entrance, able to see some of her unfinished projects and plans still hanging on or near the walls.

 

“Let’s sit on the rocks.” She released Jak’s hand and climbed up on one of the moss-covered boulders. She turned to face him and patted the free space beside her. Jak looked nervous, but he swiftly obliged, climbing on the boulder and taking a seat beside her.

 

They sat there in silence for a few minutes before Keira started talking.

 

“You know…you weren’t my first.”

 

Jak’s head twisted to stare at her, “Huh?”

 

“Sex. You weren’t my first.” Keira shifted anxiously, “I-uh, I never told you what happened during those first two years.” She took a breath and glanced at Jak, nearly bursting out laughing at the sight of his horrified face, “Nothing bad happened! Geez, you always come up with the worst possible scenario.” Jak visibly relaxed and Keira continued, “I woke up in a hospital. This kind old man found me unconscious in a dumpster and brought me there.”

 

“I had no idea where I was, where you guys were, or what I was supposed to do. When the hospital couldn’t find my records, they just kicked me out. I was scared. I had nowhere to go, so the old man let me stay with him until I found you guys. I searched for a month before I realized that I was taking a toll on the old man and his wife’s expenses.”

 

“So I searched for a job, and wouldn’t you know it, it turns out they needed a zoomer mechanic at the stadium. By the way, I was a little miffed that I didn’t get credit for creating them, but try telling the people down at the museum that you’re the anonymous creator of zoomers that somehow got transported through time.”

 

“Anyway, working at the stadium was cool, but after a while I just…gave up on finding you guys.” She looked away, eyes cast down as she sighed, “I know I should’ve kept looking but...no one would help me and I wasn’t sure any of you were even on the same planet as me. So, I tried to make a life here. I became a racer and met some really nice people.”

 

“There was this guy, Sean, who was also a racer. We became friends and one day we just…did it. He was gentle and made sure I was feeling good but…I just… _couldn’t_.” Keira looked up and groaned, “I tried and tried, even going as far as trying different people. It didn’t matter. I just didn’t like sex. As time went on, I realized that I didn’t even like kissing or touching. Jak, I couldn’t even masturbate because it felt so gross! Then you found me.”

 Keira smiled and looked at Jak, “I thought that my feelings for you were special and that sex with you would be magical. I thought it would be different. But…I was wrong. Kissing you was nice. But it wasn’t passionate or exciting like it was supposed to be. When we finally had sex, it felt no different than anything else.”

 

She grasped Jak’s hand again and continued, “And, that’s not your fault. It’s mine.” She stared firmly into Jak’s eyes, “I love you…as a friend. But I finally realized that, while I’m attracted to you and other guys, I don’t enjoy intimacy…of **any** kind. And it isn’t fair to force you to be in a relationship that lacks intimacy, when you are clearly a loving and affectionate individual.”

 

Jak didn’t move. He didn’t pull his hand away, and he didn’t look away from Keira. When he finally opened his mouth to speak, he didn’t. He let out a shaky breath and sighed, “Ok…ok so…the reason why you kept pushing me away is…you don’t like intimacy?” Keira nodded and shifted a bit, “Are you mad?”

 

“No…not about that at least,” Jak turned and narrowed his eyes at Keira, “But why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Keira bit her lip and shrugged, “I-I don’t know…I guess I was just scared. It’s a really embarrassing thing to admit and, I know it’s not normal but, I just…” she took a deep breath and let it out, “I didn’t want to hurt you. Though, I guess I already did…I’m so sorry Jak.”

 

They sat there motionless, Keira’s words sinking in. When a few minutes passed, Jak wrapped an arm around Keira’s waist, pulling her against his side, “I forgive you, and…I’m sorry for being so pushy with you.” Keira smiled and turned towards Jak, wrapping her thin arms around him in a gentle hug, “Friends?”

 

Jak laughed softly and returned the hug, “Forever.”

Keira giggled and pulled away, “Oh, by the way…you cheated on me last night?”

 

Jak nodded, “Yeah…granted, I was tipsy but, it was still bad and I’m sorry.”

 

“Well, all is forgiven.” Keira gave Jak another grin and teased, “Did you have fun?” Jak turned away, barely hiding a blush, “Y-yeah. I did. And, I know we just met but…that person…there was something about them that was just…right. I think I’m in love.”

 

“Love?” Keira arched brow, “That’s a little…fast don’t ya think?” Jak laughed softly, “I know, but…my feelings are still really strong. And speaking of fast, I’m glad we got our shit resolved so quickly. I really want to meet Reise again soon.”

 

“Reise? That’s a nice name.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Keira stared up at the sky, watching the stars, “So, is she pretty?”

 

Jak looked up at the night sky, watching the stars as they shone over the ruins of dead town, “Yeah…he is.”

 

It took a few minutes for Keira to process before Jak’s words hit her.

 

“WHAT?!”

 

Keira’s mouth gaped open, “Since when are you gay?!” Jak raised a brow, “Um…I don’t think I’m ‘gay’. I mean, I’m still attracted to girls, but the person who I’m attracted to right now just happens to be a guy.” Keira’s mouth closed, though the shock remained on her face.

 

Another moment of silence later, Keira coughed lightly and said, “Well, as long as they can make you happy, it doesn’t matter who you like.” She smiled softly and embraced Jak, “I support you!” Jak returned the embrace, his heart nearly skipping a beat. He still couldn’t believe how great everything turned out.

 

For the first time, he actually felt at home.

 

* * *

 

 

Torn once again exited his bathroom, towel around his waist, with an avalanche of horrible thoughts bombarding his head. He fought the urge to pace, moving to just put on some boxers and sleep off his problems.

 

_Why…why didn’t I just tell him?_

He tossed the towel in the hamper as he resisted tossing himself in as well. He felt horrid. He always felt horrid, and for some reason he recently became aware of how horrid he always felt.

 

_Jinx and Kal really did a good job of distracting me, I guess._

He slid on a fresh pair of boxers and flopped onto his bed, shuffling a bit as the mattress settled beneath his weight. He closed his eyes…

 

_I can’t believe its Ephirya. Maybe I should go visit Tear. It’s not hard for me to suddenly request work off. Ashelin would be more than happy to let me go. Hell, she’d probably come with me. She’s always wanted to meet Tear._

_No…I can’t…_

_It’s not that I can’t go, I don’t **want** to go._

_How can I? How can I face him after what happened? I don’t deserve to celebrate with him; don’t deserve to pray at our family’s alter. I don’t deserve to be part of his family…_

_…not after what I did._

 

 

**_“You’re blind. You’re a fuckin’ Cheilo if you think that these people can change! You’re no Icela. You’re a traitor, and you’re dead to me!”_ **

He felt his chest tighten. _No…_

**_“You’re stupid for thinking the guard will ever take an ICER seriously!”_ **

 

His fists clenched and he ground his teeth, tightening his jaw as his stomach lurched and twisted. _Please, I didn’t mean it!_

 

**_“You’re not my brother. You’re nothing to me but a fuckin’ Krimson hog. And I hope you die for this damn city you love so much.”_ **

 

_I DIDN’T MEAN IT!!_

 

* * *

 

 

_Torien stood in the dark alley near a broken street light, eyes shifting side to side, keeping note of any guards that may be on patrol. He usually never did drug runs at this time of night, but the increase of KG activity fucked his schedule to hell and back._

_His held his cigarette absently between his teeth, the burning end dangerously close to his lips. Though, if he did get burned, he probably wouldn’t feel it with how nervous he was. He jumped when a hand clasped his shoulder and turned to glare at his partner._

_The older Icelandian smirked down at him, “You’re actin’ like it’s your first run. What’s got ya spooked, babe?” Torn rolled his eyes, “Don’t fuckin’ ‘babe’ me, malake.” Torien pinched the dying cig between his teeth and flicked it into the concrete, “Just don’t like how early it is. The sun literally just set! Why the fuck are we out here this early?” He turned to gaze down the alley out at the streets. Aside from the occasional straggling civilian, the streets were barren._

_“He’s fuckin’ late. I say we split before a Hog patrol comes.” Torien was too damn tired for this shit._

_The older man laughed.  “Calm down, mi pfro.”_

_Torien growled at the nickname, making the older Lurk chuckle, “Stop worrying. This ain’t anything you haven’t done before. Just relax.”_

_Torien sighed and reached for another cig. He was tired, his ass hurt from fucking one of the other Lurks earlier, and he just wanted to go back to his shitty shack with his dumbass brothers and drink himself into a stupor._

_It was about 10 minutes before their buyer showed up._

_Torien nodded to his partner, ensuring that the gun was ready if needed before walking up to the lone man. His partner slinked back into the alley, staying out of sight._

_Before Torien could open his mouth, he heard the shout._

_“FREEZE! You’re under arrest-Torn?”_

_The buyer tried to run off, but it didn’t matter anyway. The guard fired a stun shot, knocking him out instantly. Torn turned, eyes widening in disbelief of seeing Arippa’s stupid angry scowl as he removed his helmet. Arippa stomped over to him, “What the fuck, Tori!?”_

_Torien backed up, “What-…What are you doing here, Ari?!”_

_“I’m about to ask you the same thing! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”_

_“WHY ARE YOU HERE?!” Torien’s shock turned into rage as Arippa finally reached him._

_“We got word of a drug exchange going on in this sector. Torn, I told you to stay the fuck away from the Lurks!”_

_“And I told you to FUCK OFF!”_

_“We’re leaving NOW before my Lieutenant shows up!” He grabbed Torien’s arm and began pulling him._

_“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME, YOU JAINGHEL!” He struggled against the firm grip, kicking and slapping at the red armor decorating his brother’s body._

_“I’m not gonna let you rot in jail and fuck up this family any more than you already have!”_

_“Fuck you! I’m 18, not a fuckin’ child you can manipulate!”_

_“I don’t care if you’re 80! You’re still my little brother and MY responsibility. Something you seem to forget-”As Arippa turned to him, eyes tearing up, Torien threw a punch, hitting his brother square in the jaw._

_Torien would’ve smirked in triumph, but he seemed to forget, once again, that Arippa was not one to fuck with. Arippa, recovering quickly, kicked out his leg and sent Torien tumbling to the ground. He immediately pinned him, pressing his wrists against the concrete._

_Snarling and shouting in fury, Torien thrashed about, growled out insults like a rabid dog. He spat in his brother’s face, said the most horrid insults he could imagine, and tried his damnedest to flip their positions or actually break free of Arippa’s resilient grip._

_The rage in his brother’s eyes was softened by his sadness, “I love you, Tori. I love you too much to let you go down this path any longer. I have an idea to help you-”_

_Torien tried to break free, he could feel Arippa’s words eating away at the Shell around his heart. But he wasn’t ready to admit he was wrong. His pride and rage spurred him on, he screamed, “VA UL TI! VA UL TI, YOU FUCKIN’ HOG!”_

_The whistle of the bullet never registered in Torien’s head._

_Torien could only stare. Stare as Arippa’s face went lax, blood dripping down his face from the gaping hole in his forehead. Mockingly in the dead center of the sun pattern tattooed there._

_The world slowed to a halt. Torien felt Arippa’s grip drop, watched as Arippa fell to the right and collapsed beside him to the ground._

_His partner ran up; gun still hot, grabbing at him and pulling him. “Oi! Torien! Mal…we need to go before the other Hogs show up!”_

_He couldn’t move._

_He couldn’t breathe._

_He looked to his right, saw Arippa’s red-brown dreads, and the dark blood pooling under them, painting them even darker. And the eyes…the open forest green eyes brimmed with tears, just staring at him. Torien could swear he saw the last bits of life leaving them._

_And then everything came crashing into him at once._

_“You killed my brother.” He sat up, looking his partner dead in the eye._

_“What!? Your…brother?! How-”_

_“YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!” He didn’t think as he grabbed Arippa’s gun, pointing it at his former friend, his fellow gang member, his partner…his partner dropped his weapon, holding his hands up. “Woah…just-hey calm down Tor-”_

_“NO! Don’t you fucking tell me to calm down, YOU MURDERED ARI!!”_

_“I didn’t know who he was, Torien! I thought he was just a hog! He was ATTACKING YOU!”_

_He flipped off the safety, “ **You killed my brother and I’ll fucking kill you**!”_

_“TORN STOP!”_

_Torien didn’t turn, recognizing the voice as his brother’s partner, First Lieutenant Eryn. His heart pounded against his chest and he saw red._

_“Torien…” Torn could hear the Lieutenant’s boots click against the ground as he moved towards him, “Please, put the gun down.”_

_“He killed Ari…”_  
  


_“And if you kill him, no one will be here for Tear.”_

_“HE KILLED ARI!!”_

_“And he will go to prison for a long time because of it.” Lieutenant Eryn inched closer to him, holding out a hand for both caution and comfort. “But, if you pull that trigger, he’ll be dead, but you’ll be taking his punishment.”_

_His hands shook, finger stroking across the trigger, and eyes blurring._

_“Please Torn…Tear needs you. He can’t lose both of you.”_

_As if someone had placed concrete slabs on them, Torien’s arms dropped, the gun falling weakly from his hands. Lieutenant Eryn drew his weapon and aimed it at the other male, “Hands behind your back, NOW!”_

_Torien’s vision began to blur. What was causing it? His throat was drying up and it hurt to swallow. He felt his body clench and pulse as it tried to take in too many breaths at once. He turned to his right._

_And that was it._

_He screamed, loud and long at the top of his lungs. He moved to Arippa’s side and wrapped his arms tightly around him, pulling the still-warm corpse against his chest._

_He sobbed. Like he never thought he could._

_He was crying for his brother, he was crying-_

_-because this wasn’t happening._

_It **COULDN’T** be happening!_

**_Not again!_ **

_Torn’s couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, the tears were forming and falling too fast to keep them open._

_It was his fault._

_IT WAS HIS FAULT!_

**_IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT!!_ **

****

_If only he listened,_

_If only he obeyed,_

_If only he cared…_

_He bawled until he couldn’t anymore, until his throat went raw from his screams._

_Arippa was dead…because of him._

_His selfishness has killed his older brother._

_He was a **monster.**_

**_He was useless!_ **

**_He was a murderer…_ **

_And then he was silent._

_Even when the warm blood stained the front of his shirt, even when people started gathering, even when paramedics showed up and tried to coax his dead brother away from him…_

_He was silent._

_He was silent during the ride to the emergency room. He was silent when the doctor declared Arippa dead. And when the doctor assured him that he died instantly with minimal suffering. He was silent when Lieutenant Eryn walked over to him, and just squeezed his shoulder._

_And when the guard took him home, led him into the old shack, and promised to keep his part in Arippa’s murder a secret, Torn couldn’t function._

_It was only until Tear came downstairs, when he saw the look on Torn’s face, and the blood on his shirt, did Torn finally cry._

_He collapsed in the living room, bawling like an infant, finally releasing the remnants of stagnant tears. Tear ran to him, embraced him, pulled him against his thinner chest and rubbed his back, begging him to answer his questions, pleading that he tell him what was wrong._

_And Torn just cried._

* * *

 

 

Torn shot up from his mattress, eyes wide, red, and threatening to release the torrent of tears festering in his eyes.

 

This time, he almost let them fall.

 

He ignored the clenching in his throat and chest, ignored the moisture in his eyes, and shoved his feelings back down where they belonged. His com was beeping next to him. He picked it up.

 

Tear had called him 5 times…left him a cute message that ended with “call me tonight you fuckin’ Cheilo”.

…and he was 10 minutes late for work, so Ashelin also called him…15 times.

 

He raised a hand, dragging it across his eyes, ridding them of the damning evidence that he was **not** ok.

 

Because he was ok.

He was ok.

 

Ok?

 

He heard his com beep again, but he didn’t answer. He sent a text to Ashelin, saying he overslept and would be there shortly. As he got ready for the day, he repeated his lie.

 

_I am ok._

_I am ok._

_Ok._

 

* * *

 

 

“-which is good news on the eco problem. Honestly, sending Jinx was a surprisingly good idea! He says he should be back a few days early even.”

 

Torn stared out the window, zoning in and out of consciousness as Ashelin prattled on. His mind wandered from place to place like a person browsing a museum and trying to get through it as fast as possible so they could fuck around the gift shop.

 

“So, how’d it go?”

 

“Huh?” Torn broke himself from his brooding to give Ashelin a questioning glance.

 

“Jak? How did he react?”

 

“Oh,” Torn quickly tried to debate whether or not he should lie to her.

 

She frowned, “You didn’t tell him.”

 

_Damn…_

 

He just nodded, hanging his head in defeat. Ashelin sighed exasperatedly, “I don’t believe you. You NEED to tell him the truth, Torn. The longer you wait-”

 

“ **I KNOW**!”

 

He didn’t mean to yell. He instantly regretted it when Ashelin scooted her chair back in surprise, looking at him with wide eyes. He had to look away from her.

 

After a moment of silence Ashelin hissed, “What is **wrong** with you?! And don’t you fucking tell me ‘it’s nothing’ or ‘you’re ok’. You’re obviously not.” Her gaze softened and she reached out a hand, laying it on top of his, “Are you having bad thoughts again? Are your nightmares getting worse? Please. You can tell me.”

 

Torn knew he should. He knew he needed to talk about this with someone. Anyone.

 

But he couldn’t. He wasn’t ready for it. Wasn’t ready to face the multitude of demons following him, taking the shape of his parents, his brothers, and his ex-gang…his ex-boyfriend.

 

He wasn’t ready.

 

He wondered if he ever would be.

 

“I…I need to go back to the club again.” He ran a hand up his face, resting it over his eyes, “I can’t…I can’t discuss anything right now. I’m in a **really** bad place right now and I _just_ need to release frustration.” He removed his hand and glanced at Ashelin, “Can I borrow that concealer?”

 

Ashelin was obviously upset, obviously wanted answers out of him; but, she just sighed and stood up, “I’ll drop by tonight and show you how to use it.” She moved like she was about to leave, but stopped herself and stared right at him, “I don’t know how to stop these ‘moods’, Torn. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and poof them away. But we both know it doesn’t work like that.”

 

“I still don’t agree with your method; especially since it’s done nothing but dig you deeper in the hole, but I don’t know how else to help you.” She crossed her arms, taking an authoritative stance, “I’ll do this for you on one condition. The next time you see Jak, you tell him the truth.”

 

Torn looked away, but Ashelin grabbed his chin and tugging his face up to make eye contact before continuing, “No lies, no waiting around, no excuses. You will tell him everything, and then we will all get the fuck on with our lives. Deal?”

 

Torn stared into her eyes, knowing she was right, but wondering if he was even capable of doing what she asked. **_After all,_** **_once a coward, always a coward._** He sighed in defeat and lied, “Deal.”

 

* * *

 

 

Once more, Torn found himself donning that stupid and incredibly itchy blue wig. He sat on a stool at the bar of that same seedy nightclub, browsing the crowd for his fix. He wasn’t wearing anything special; just some tight latex-like pants, a long sleeved deep V-neck that showed just the slightest amount of cleavage, and his boots. He looked nice, he supposed, though he could be wearing a ball gown right now and he would get the same amount of attention…none.  

 

He’d been sitting there for a couple hours now, unable to attract a partner. He half considered getting drunk again, but not to get a date. Because the longer he sat there, the louder the voices seemed to get.

 

He rubbed at his temples and groaned softly.

 

_This isn’t working. If I don’t find someone in the next two minutes, I’m hitting on the nearest sentient object I can find. I’ll even fuck the annoying rat at this point. Tess would forgive me…eventually._

**_Is that your solution to everything now? Fuck a friend’s boyfriend?_ **

****

_Shut it. Damn it…precursors above, if I deserve any sort of reward for the few good things I’ve done, please send me someone, **now**!_

And because Torn’s life is one giant cosmic joke, his prayers were answered.

 

“Well, well! If it ain’t mah favorite faggot Icer.”

 

Torn recognized the familiar smell of cheap cologne even before he felt the arm around his shoulders.

 

_No._

_Oh fucking hell NO!_

_It can’t be…my luck can’t be THAT bad!!_

 

“Yew gonna be nice this time? Cuz, I got a bone ta settle wit’ ya, and dependin’ on how ya make it up ta me I may go easy on yer tight cunt.”

 

_Apparently it can…_

Torn sighed and turned to shoot an unamused glare at the same fucking brute from two nights ago. “How about we go talk to those bouncers first? I’m sure they’d love a repeat of Saturday’s performance. I know I would.” _For more reasons than I’d care to explain._

Thankfully, Torn’s threat seemed to actually resonate in this brute’s mind. The arm removed itself from his shoulders, but the brute remained. “Why’re ya actin’ so difficult? Yer obviously thirsty fer some fat cock. What,” The brute stepped closer, growling, “Yew think yer better than me or somethin’? Hm? Yer prissy lil’ Icer pussy too good fer mah dick?! Well lemme tell ya somethin’ Sweetheart-”

 

He wasn’t having it this time. After the horrible dream, the screaming voices, and now this prick called him racist names, Torn didn’t hesitate.

 

He flipped his leg out, tripping the brute and making him fall on his ass. Torn quickly pinned him underneath his full weight, holding the brute down on the floor with his knees trapping the brute’s biceps and his hands pinning his wrists. The bar went slightly quiet as a few people turned to stare.

 

The brute was dazed, so Torn took advantage to spit out, “Listen here you self-entitled fuckboy. I may be here to look for a quick fuck, but I have standards. And the one thing that turns me off more than anything is a pompous prick who thinks he can harass anyone he wants and get away with it.” The brute’s daze wore off and his face turned red with rage.

 

“So no, I am not, nor am I ever going to drool over your ‘fat cock’. In fact, you are the exact opposite of what I am looking for, and if you can’t get the word ‘NO’ through your thick skull, I’d be more than happy to beat it into you.”

 

“Oh, and one more thing before I let you up,” He leaned in close and sneered, “If you ever call me an ‘Icer’ again, I’ll cut off your ‘fat cock’ and toss it into the port.” The bouncers were making their way over to them, so Torn pressed the brute’s wrists against the floor again for good measure before pushing himself up and making for the exit.

 

He marched down the ugly paint-splattered hallway, eyes hurting from the neon colors and ears still ringing from the annoying techno. As he walked out, feeling the chilling breeze on his make-up covered face, he walked past the line of people waiting to get in, automatically scanning for a potential lay.

 

_What’s the point…_

 

He stopped himself and turned down an alley, out of sight from any of the potential club-goers. There, he slammed his fist against the bricks and growled in frustration.

 

_This fucking sucks. What am I even doing here? I can’t even go one day without needing relief now?_

_Maybe I really am just a fucking whore…_

_I’m a disgrace to the guard…_

_I’m a disgrace to Haven…_

**_It should have been me who died._ **

****

He leaned back against the wall. It was times like these when he wished he didn’t give up smoking. He crossed his arms, clenched his eyes shut, and waited for the dark thoughts to hound him like a pack of rabid crockadogs.

 

“Reise? That you?”

 

Torn’s eyes shot open and his head whipped around so fast he almost gave himself whiplash. “Jak?” The blonde hero grinned and jogged over to him, “Reise! Hey, I thought you’d be here.” Jak entered the alley and clapped Torn on the arm, “Well, actually I thought you’d be in there.” He motioned to the club before furrowing his brow in confusion, “What are you doing out here?”

 

Torn shrugged and gave Jak a smile, “Couldn’t find a partner, and that blonde jarhead from last night started his shit again.” Jak’s smile fell and Torn saw the purple sparks in his eyes. He couldn’t help but smile.

 

_It’s kinda…cute how Jak is so protective, especially over someone he barely knows._

 

**_He does know you. VERY well I might add. Speaking of which, now would be a marvelous time to take off that wig and get beat up._ **

****

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Torn chuckled softly, “I took care of it. He’s probably still laying on the floor pissin’ himself over my threat.” Jak seemed to relax and smirked devilishly, “Nice! Too bad I wasn’t there though. Could’ve done something heroic and made you swoon.” Jak smirked in a way that almost seemed flirtatious and almost made Torn blush.

 

_Control yourself…he’s just being ‘Jak’. A flirty, smarmy, attractive little shit._

 

He pushed himself off the wall and snickered, “Yeah well, I’m glad I didn’t have to play ‘damsel in distress’ again. Besides, I’m still swooning from last time, hero.” Torn returned Jak’s flirt with a smirk of his own, then realized that he wasn’t supposed to be doing that.

 

Jak returned the smirk and teased, “Oh? Well in that case, we can just skip the banter and get to the fun stuff.” Torn let out a laugh before teasing, “A shame, I actually enjoy the foreplay.”

 

_Wait…what am I doing? Why am I flirting with him again?_

His smile fell as he felt anxiety start to build in his chest.

 

_I need to tell him the truth!_

“Listen, Jak-”

 

“So, I talked to my girlfriend last night.” Jak immediately closed his mouth and looked down, “Sorry, go ahead.” Torn shook his head, “No, please. You first. You talked to your girlfriend?”

 

**_Stalling again?_ **

_I’ll tell him after…_

Jak nodded, “Yeah, I decided to talk to her. It didn’t go well at first, but eventually we got everything sorted out. We’re closer now than we’ve ever been.” He smiled, nearly breaking the quivering remnants of Torn’s heart. Torn still smiled, holding back the twisting emotions forming in his chest, “That’s great! So…she knows what happened between us, and she’s forgiven you?”

 

“Yeah! Well, I mean I haven’t told her the details, but she knows I was unfaithful. She forgave me,”

_Oh god…it’s over. Well, that’s good right?  It never was anything more than a mistake anyway. What did I think was going to happen? That he would dump her and fall into my arms? He won’t do that for Reise and he definitely won’t do it for **Torn**. This is the way it’s supposed to be._

“-then we broke up.”

 

_…_

_…WHAT?!_

“What?!” Torn’s eyes went wide, “Wait, you said you sorted everything out-”

 

“Yeah, we did!” Jak kept his cheerful smile, “When we talked, she explained that the reason we weren’t intimate was because she’s asexual…um…I think that’s the right term?” Torn nodded, “Y-yeah, it is…so wait…she’s asexual, you admitted what you did, and you guys agreed to…break up?” Jak nodded again, grinning happily.

 

_Great…I ruined their relationship._

“That’s kinda the reason I wanted to see you tonight.” Jak looked nervous, looking away from Torn before saying, “Um…Reise? I really like you. I know this is really fast and we’ve only met one other time, but I enjoyed hanging out with you, and that’s really rare for me. I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not really a social person.”

 

Torn stared at Jak, eyes getting progressively wider. _Wait…what is he saying? He actually wants to spend time with me?_

“And…I know you were just helping me out that time with my frustrations, but I really liked being with you. And, I’m having all these weird feelings and I know you are a lot more experienced in…this area. I’m really curious and…well…” Jak took a breath, “I’d like to spend more time with you…if that’s alright.”

 

Torn’s brain short circuited, “Spend time? Like, talking?”

 

Jak shifted nervously and husked, “Well, maybe…more than that?’

 

…

 

“Reise?”

 

_…_

“Uh, Reise?”

 

**_…_ **

“Hey, if you don’t want to that’s fine, I’m sorry if I came on too strong!”

 

…

“Oh god, I fucked up didn’t I? I shouldn’t have assumed-Just forget I said anything!” Jak turned away, face going red, and Torn quickly grabbed him. He turned, “Reise? What-” Jak couldn’t get out another word as Torn pressed him up against the alley wall and crushed their mouths together.

 

Torn nearly moaned at how easily Jak melted under him. The blonde was so strangely timid in the kiss, his tongue shyly rubbed along Torn’s bottom lip, and Torn eagerly captured it with his own. Jak wasn’t in any way an experienced kisser, but **damn** he was fun to manipulate!

 

When Torn broke away, trailing small kisses and bites down Jak’s neck, Jak gasped and moaned out, “Reise, more…” Torn pulled away, stared into Jak’s ocean blue eyes, and lost his mind.

 

“How about we go back to your place?”

 

* * *

 

 

Never in a million years would Torn think he would actually be in Jak’s apartment. He didn’t have much of a chance to examine the layout due to an over-eager blonde pushing him through the door and nearly tackling him to the floor. Torn was barely able to remain on his feet as Jak latched his mouth on his collar bone, sucking and biting so hard there was sure to be a harsh mark.

 

As much as Torn wished this moment would never stop, standing in a living room was not a comfortable place for sex. He knew from experience.

 

“Bed, hon.” Torn grit his teeth as Jak licked up his neck.

 

“Here.” Jak started to bite at his jaw, and Torn immediately altered his course. Facial marks would damn him in the morning. He pulled back and firmly grabbed Jak’s jaw, forcing him to look up into his brown contact lenses, “Sweetheart, you’re about to be ridden within an inch of your life by a professional Dom, and you don’t want your first experience to be on the floor.”

 

He leaned down to nip at Jak’s bottom lip before whispering, “We can always try floor sex another time. But for now…” Torn pulled completely out of Jak’s reach and pointed towards the bedroom, “I’m going to use your restroom to prep, and by the time I get out, I want you laying patiently on the bed, naked and hard for me. Think you can do that for me?”

 

Jak just nodded and nearly tripped over his own feet as he made a beeline for the bedroom. Torn nearly giggled at how cute Jak was acting, but he had a mission currently. He moved to the other end of the small apartment, finding the bathroom almost immediately. He closed the door and gripped the sink harshly, leaning over it and trying desperately to calm his breathing.

 

He looked up at his make-up covered face and blue wig in the mirror, then reality it him and effectively cooled his jets. He barely held himself back from punching the reflection.

 

_FUCK!!_

_FUCK FUCK FUCK ME!!_

**_I mean…isn’t that why we’re here?_ **

****

Torn ran a hand over his face.

 

_What am I doing?! I should leave! This isn’t right! I was supposed to confess to him, not take this farce deeper into the shit!_

**_Does it really matter anymore?_ **

****

_What do you mean?_

**_I mean, is it really wrong to keep this lie going if no one is getting hurt from it?_ **

****

_We’re BOTH going to get hurt if this continues._

**_Oh come on! It’s not like you’re dating. It’s just sex._ **

****

_Not to me…_

****

**_You sure about that? What if it’s just lust? This would be your chance to find out._ **

****

_I…no, this isn’t fair to Jak._

**_He wants this. Besides, it’s not like he’s taken anymore. He’s a consenting adult, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him._ **

****

_But I’ll know. This isn’t real…he doesn’t want ME! He wants Reise, I’m not Reise!_

**_Does he have to know that? You are technically Reise, and in a way, he wants YOU._ **

****

_…I…I guess…_

**_You’ve already sucked him off, sex is no different?_ **

****

_He does…want me…at least technically…_

**_You’ll never get this opportunity again. This is more than just sex, and you know it. This is a chance to have something meaningful…something good…something…happy._ **

****

_I don’t deserve it…_

**_Maybe Torn doesn’t…but Reise does._ **

****

Torn glanced at his reflection again.

 

He saw someone else. Someone new. He saw a citizen of Haven. No responsibilities, no scars, no shadows following him. He saw someone who could be used, someone who could be accepted…

 

Someone…

…who could be loved?

 

He exited the bathroom, taking a deep breath before crossing the small living room to the door containing a temporary paradise. A Haven…

 

* * *

 

 

He opened the door, seeing Jak completely nude and sitting cross-legged in the center of the bed. Instantly, his mind was cleared of all the demons tormenting him, all his memories of the wrongs he’s done, and all the things belonging to Commander Torn Reista.

 

There was nothing here but Reise, Jak, and happiness.

 

“Good boy.” He closed the door behind him and slowly swayed over to the edge of the bed, sitting down across from Jak. He could practically hear Jak’s heart beating, and frankly he was sure Jak could hear his as well. “So,” he smirked when Jak jumped to attention, “Before we begin, I want to make things perfectly clear.” He cleared his throat before continuing.

 

“I use a color system, since I can get a bit…rough. I’m going to try to be gentle with you, but I want you to not be afraid to let me know if I’m hurting you or if I’m doing something wrong. So,” Torn scooted around so he was also sitting cross-legged on the bed, facing Jak. He smiled softly, “I want you to use this to tell me what to do. Green means ‘keep going’, Yellow means ‘pause for a minute and talk’, and Red means ‘stop, no questions asked’.”

 

“When do I use them?” Jak looked very uneasy and Torn wondered if using colors was a little too intimidating for him, “I’ll take breaks and ask you for a color and you just tell me how you’re feeling at the moment. You can use Yellow or Red at any time you want.” He tilted his head, looking for any confusion in Jak’s expression.

 

Thankfully, Jak nodded and said, “Ok, sounds good.” Torn smiled again, “Good, now on to the fun stuff, do you have any requests or questions before we start?”

 

Jak shifted hesitantly on the bed before asking, “Are you going to…fuck me?” Torn’s eyes went wide and he bit a lip to keep from laughing. Jak really was adorable when out of his element, “I’m afraid we can’t do that tonight even if you wanted it. I’m a very clean person and…well I highly doubt you prepped like I did. So, no, I’ll be receiving.”

 

Jak seemed to relax instantly. _Is that why he was so nervous?_ He sat up straighter and asked, “So, what do I do?” Torn smirked and leaned forward, getting on his hands and knees and placing one hand on Jak’s sternum, “You, just lie back and look pretty for me. I’ll do the work.” Jak visibly gulped, allowing “Reise” to push him back against his bed.

 

Torn straddled Jak’s naked thighs and looked down at the thick cock straining above his belly. Torn smirked and reached towards it, running a finger up the underside to the head. He slowly swirled his fingertip around the glans as precum started to bead. “So nice and hard for me. We’re gonna have lots of fun.”

 

Torn gently wrapped his long fingers around the warm shaft, gently sliding them up and down before giving it a firm squeeze. Jak let out a strangled moan beneath him and Torn felt his heart skip a beat. Torn slowly ran his other hand up Jak’s stomach, stroking across his abs and moving to squeeze a firm pec.

 

He could see Jak fisting his bed sheets as Torn pinched a nipple, rolling it gently and making Jak hiss out a groan, “Reise…”

 

Torn used his thumb to smear the precum around the glans and quickly flicked across his frenulum, making the blonde arch his hips up. Torn promptly sat down, pinning Jak’s lower half down, “No moving Jak, just lay back and trust me.” He moved his hand faster along the pulsing shaft as he leaned down and slid his tongue up Jak’s abdominals.

 

Jak started panting underneath him, and Torn knew neither of them would last long if he kept teasing. He sat back up and reached in the back pocket of his pants, glad he thought ahead to bring a condom and small packet of lube. He placed both on the bed beside Jak’s shoulder. The blonde hero flushed red when he turned and saw the items.

 

Torn chuckled softly and undid the laces in the crotch of his pants, allowing the tight article to loosen around the hips. He slowly slid the article down over his hips, thankful that he decided to go commando (pun not intended), before realizing that they were tighter than he initially thought. “Are you fuckin’ kidding-stupid pants!” Torn growled as he tried to peel the latex from his thighs.

 

He rolled off of Jak and struggled to force the pants down to his knees. Jak glanced over, “Um, you need help?” Torn sighed and dropped his legs in defeat. He glanced over at Jak, “Please?” Jak laughed and rolled off the bed, moving around to where Torn laid trapped in his latex prison.

 

After learning that removing the boots first helped tremendously, they managed to rid Torn of the offending article. He decided to leave the shirt on, and Jak seemed disappointed, but didn’t dwell on it.

 

Jak tossed the pants on the floor and moved back to his position lying on the bed. Torn smirked and rolled back on top of him, sitting on his lower stomach, “Alright, that was…not very sexy, but lemme make it up to you.” Torn grabbed the lube packet and condom, setting them both on Jak’s chest, “Stay very still, babe.”

 

He sat up on his knees, spreading his thighs wide, and grabbed the condom. He quickly ripped the package and rolled the thin rubber material down the length of Jak’s cock, pinching the end to leave an appropriate amount of room, since he remembered that Jak cums like a hose.

 

Once the condom sat snugly around the base, Torn grabbed the lube packet, ripping it open and squeezing half of its contents on his fingers. Torn rubbed three of his fingers together, coating them, before reaching behind himself and sliding all three inside his ass. He sighed and closed his eyes, focusing on stretching and coating his insides without stimulating his prostate.

 

He suddenly felt hands on his upper thighs and paused. He opened his eyes and glanced at Jak, nearly cumming when he saw his expression. Jak watched him intently, heavy lust set deep in his features, and his flush spread down his neck and bloomed on his chest. He looked…beautiful.

 

 _I’ve never wanted someone more in my life._ Torn gulped and ripped his fingers out of himself, grabbed the lube and poured the rest on Jak’s cock.

 

He fisted Jak’s erection just long enough to quickly spread the lube around it before inching forward on his knees so his ass was directly over Jak’s pulsing cock. He gave Jak a smile, “Ready?” Jak nodded eagerly and begged, “Yes! Please Reise, I want you bad!” Torn never knew how lovely those words could be.

 

He reached around, grabbing Jak’s dick and slowly sank the head inside him. Jak closed his eyes tight and hissed softly. Torn paused, “Color?” Jak let out a shaky breath, “G-green.” Torn released the cock, brought his hips up and slowly sank down on Jak. He didn’t stop until his ass hit Jak’s balls.

 

And _fuuuuck_ Torn’s never been stretched so good before.

 

He had to pause, had to savor this sensation as his insides molded around Jak’s erection. He opened his eyes, mouth slightly open, “F-fuck…you feel so good.”

 

“You do too.” Jak stroked up and down Torn’s thighs, “Fuck! It’s so…tight and wet and-” Jak let out a groan as he thrust up suddenly. Torn actually squeaked at the sudden thrust, face flushing, “Don’t do that!” Jak froze, brow scrunching up apologetically. Torn adjusted his angle and sighed, “I’ll let you know when you can do that, but for now let me set the pace.” Jak nodded and Torn began.

 

Torn started slowly.

 

He picked his hips up a couple inches and gently sank back down, allowing Jak to get used to the heat and tightness. He evaluated Jak’s face and moans to see what he liked and what was too stimulating for him at the moment. Gently, he rolled his hips in a circular motion, and smiled when Jak moaned deeply from the motion.

 

_Good…he likes that._

 

He clenched around the hard member and felt it throb inside him. He lifted his hips up all the way, leaving just the head inside before slamming back down, causing Jak to grab his hips and arch his back slightly.

 

Torn couldn’t hold back anymore, “Hey, I’m gonna start now. You’re allowed to move if you want, but I need to ride you hard, **now**! Color?”

 

Jak looked at him, pupils blown wide, “Green.”  


Torn nearly whimpered with joy, but since he still had some dignity, he replaced it with a grunt of confirmation. He placed both hands on Jak’s chest as leverage and started his ride.

 

Using the strength in his thighs, Torn moved his ass up and down on Jak’s shaft, fucking it into his body like it was keeping him alive, no longer concerned about Jak needing to adjust. He clenched his eyes shut, lost in the pleasure of Jak’s cock pounding his insides, sliding against the hot wet walls, and teasing his prostate with every down stroke. The hands on his hips squeezed hard, leaving indents from nails and red spots from fingertips.

 

Jak started moving his hips underneath him; trying to thrust up into the tight heat and set a rhythm that matched his partner’s. Torn let out a soft moan and leaned back, focusing on setting short deep thrusts at a rapid pace, allowing Jak to catch up and pound him hard.

 

He felt like he was melting, like his mind was only able to focus on Jak, and Jak alone. He clenched his jaw, relaxing for just a moment. He barely realized the shift in power when Jak suddenly forced him on his back and started fucking him furiously.

 

Torn’s eyes shot open as Jak grabbed his legs and forced his knees back against his shoulders, nearly bending him in half. Jak pounded his hips against Torn, fucking his ass with more strength than Torn thought possible. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t think, all he could do was take.

 

_Just like last time…well, good thing I’m flexible._

He felt Jak’s dick deep in his guts, possibly rearranging them as he plowed him. Torn fisted the bed sheets, turning his head to the side and clenching his eyes shut. He felt if he tried keeping them open, he would go insane! Jak sped up, if even possible, and seemed to focus directly on Torn’s prostate.

_How did he even find it?!_

He couldn’t last.

He wasn’t sure he could take it much longer!

 

Jak sank his teeth in Torn’s shoulder, biting him hard enough to bleed, and that pushed Torn over the edge. He let out a strangled cry as he came, spurting over his and Jak’s stomachs. Jak lay on top of him, pressing their bodies together and humping him quickly towards his own release.

 

When Jak finally came, Torn swore he could actually feel the condom expand into a bubble from the amount of sperm the blonde was capable of producing. Torn brought his legs down and wrapped them around Jak’s hips, trying to slow his thrusting. He winced when Jak just kept rutting spastically into his oversensitive entrance, riding out the aftershocks of his orgasm.

 

He had to stop it, or risk getting worked up again.

 

Torn wrapped his arms around Jak’s shoulders, gently stroking the back of his head as he whispered, “Easy, easy there, kid. Slow your hips and just relax.” He slid the other hand down to gently squeeze Jak’s hip.

 

Jak seemed to listen as he stopped thrusting, but he remained buried balls deep in Torn’s ass. The blonde tucked his head under Torn’s chin and just panted heavily.

 

They stayed there for nearly half an hour, Torn just rubbed Jak’s back and neck and whispered soft praises and reinforcements. Finally, Jak pulled out of Torn’s grip and sat up. He looked down to where they were connected and gave an experimental tug. Torn rasped, “You can pull out. It’s fine.” Jak nodded, but still went slow and tried to be gentle.

 

Honestly, it was sweet how attentive he was.

 

_I haven’t been treated like this since my first time. Actually, I haven’t ever been treated this gently. I feel like I’m precious cargo or some prized porcelain doll._

_It’s…nice._

When Jak was all the way out, he scooted to the other end on the bed, crossing his legs and just staring. Torn raised a brow and sat up, wincing slightly at the ache in his lower back, “You ok there, Jak?” The blonde nodded and blushed lightly before murmuring, “Just…giving you space.”

 

“Um…thanks? But I’d rather you come back here and enjoy the afterglow.” He patted the empty space beside him, but the hero seemed confused.

 

“You want me near you?”

 

Torn slowly nodded, as if addressing a child, “Why the hell wouldn’t I?”

 

“Keira didn’t want any contact after we-”

 

“Yeah well, Keira isn’t me. I _want_ you near me.” Torn scooted away from the center and leaned back against the wall, “If you want, we could-like- cuddle or something?” He shrugged, but secretly he was already aching to touch Jak again.

 

Jak seemed to perk up and he quickly crawled towards Torn. He sat beside him and awkwardly pressed his shoulder to Torn’s bicep.

 

Torn raised a brow at him and rolled his eyes, “You are so weirdly adorable it both sickens and excites me at the same time.” When Jak turned his head and gave him a pout, Torn captured his lips again in a gentle kiss. When the broke away, Torn smiled and scooted down so he could lay down properly.

 

He turned on his side and tugged at Jak’s arm, motioning for him to do the same. The blonde followed, pressing his back against Torn’s clothed chest, allowing Torn to wrap an arm over his waist and pull him close. Just before he closed his eyes, he heard Jak whisper, “Reise? Thanks, I-I really needed this.”

 

Torn felt his heart speed up and swore his cheeks were red under the makeup. He smiled softly to himself and placed a soft peck on Jak’s shoulder before replying, “I think we both did.”

 

* * *

 

 

For once, Torn woke up without pain in his head or tears in his eyes. He opened his eyes, resisting the urge to scratch or rub at them due to the irritation caused by sleeping with the brown contacts in. What he saw, though, made him wonder if he was still dreaming.

 

He sat up and looked down at the sleeping blonde hero who made him feel things he thought he couldn’t feel anymore. His heart sped up again as he watched the steady rise and fall of Jak’s muscled chest, and he resisted the urge to run his fingers through the short green-blonde hair he always longed to wake up next to.

 

_I slept with Jak…_

He smiled softly, heart beating a little faster.

 

_I slept with JAK!_

Reality finally caught up to him, and he suddenly felt cold.

 

**_You slept with JAK._ **

****

Torn felt his heart start to pound against his ribcage; his lungs felt too small as he tried to breath and found he couldn’t. He could feel the color draining from his face as the realization of what he did crashed into him.

 

_I fucked Jak! Oh FUCK **I had sex with Jak**!_

Torn gulped, finally able to breath, at least for the moment, as he slowly slid out of the bed, careful not to jostle Jak awake. He collected his pants from the floor and quickly slid them on, briefly struggling with the stupid, clingy material before he finally made himself presentable.

 

As he moved to leave the apartment, Torn felt something pull him back. He looked back at the sleeping blonde. The sunlight streamed in, illuminating Jak’s lovely tanned skin…and the gentle smile on his face.

 

_I can’t just leave him._

_Not after everything that happened._

_What if he gets worried?_

_What if he thinks I didn’t enjoy it or he did something wrong?_

 

Torn glanced once more at Jak’s sleeping face and felt his heart start to race again. He couldn’t help the small smile that formed, nor the warmth coursing through him. He grabbed a paper towel from the kitchen and a marker from the floor. He wrote the number to one of his spare coms with the words “text me” on it before he silently left the apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

The second Torn entered his apartment, he smelled freshly brewed coffee and instantly knew who had broken in. He walked to the kitchen and smiled at Ashelin, who sat at the crappy dining table drinking from a mug.

 

“Made yourself at home?”

 

Ashelin smirked, “Well, someone should. At this rate, you may not even need to pay rent on this place, seeing that you spend your nights elsewhere.” Torn rolled his eyes and grabbed a second mug from the counter before retorting, “If I rob the guy before leaving, I could probably make a killing.”

 

He poured his coffee and leaned back against the kitchen counter, staring off into space dreamily.

 

Memories from the previous night flooded his brain.

 

_Jak was so wonderful. He’s a lot gentler and timid than I thought he would be. But fuck, he can get pretty brutal when worked up. My ass is actually hurting a bit! I haven’t ached like this since-_

“Hey! Are you listening?”

 

Torn broke out of his daze and stared blankly at Ashelin, “Huh?”

 

The redhead just smirked and laughed, “Well well, looks like someone had a good night, for once! Do you realize you were actually smiling? Like really smiling and looking all love-struck!” She smiled widely, “What happened last night? Did you meet someone?”

 

Torn opened his mouth to answer and heard his spare com buzzing from his bedroom. He closed his mouth and felt another smile break out on his face, “Yeah…I did.”


	7. But if you leave me and love another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit is about to hit the fan, so have some cute stuff and nasty smut!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya!!! Sorry it took so long, but I wanted to give it my all to make this for you guys. I don't really have time to write outside of school and taking care of family, so I'm sorry for the long delay. As an apology, have some hot smex ya pervs!! Leave a comment if you enjoyed it, want to see more, or want to threaten me with a death threat for the pain I'm about to inject you with in the last chapters.

Morning came sooner than Torn would’ve liked, and with it came a strange sort of calm that felt almost surreal.

 

As Torn stepped out of his bathroom and walked to his closet, he caught a glimpse of his appearance in the mirror. The evidence from last night was prominent in the scratches down his hips, bite mark on his shoulder, and his stiff walk.  In order to keep from sporting a slight limp Torn had to almost exaggerate his steps.

 

But oh, it was worth it.

 

Torn had no idea it was possible to be so happy, and yet so regretful at the same time. On one hand, he was able to live out a fantasy he once thought impossible, and on the other hand he was deceiving a good friend and basically raped him.

 

_Ok, ‘rape’ may be a little strong…more like ‘false advertising’. I mean…it’s not like he said no, and he wasn’t drunk or anything._

**_Oh, and I’m sure that your appearance had nothing to do with his consent. You keep telling yourself that it was consensual, but lemme give you a reality check. He gave ‘Reise’ permission…not Torn._ **

****

He clenched his jaw as he pulled out his work clothes, laying them on his bed.

 

_Torn and Reise are the same person. What I did is basically the equivalent of a girl wearing heavy make-up to get a guy._

**_That’s not the same thing._ **

****

_Fuck off, yes it is. What the hell happened to your support from last night!? Fuckin’ hypocrite…_

He tossed the towel in the hamper and quickly dressed himself. He was sliding on his boots when his spare com buzzed again. He grabbed it from inside his nightstand and felt his heart leap into his throat when he realized it was Jak.

 

The blonde had sent him a bunch of texts…

 

_7:32 J: morning! Saw u leave me ths # so thot id text u_

_7:33 J: last night was gr8!_

_7:35 J: was it ok 4 u?_

_7:35 J: this is Jak btw_

_7:40 J: m not bein clingry rite?_

_8:20 J: Reise?_

_8:30 J: ur not dead rite?_

_8:35 J: REISE?!_

Torn progressively felt himself shift from touched to worried and quickly texted back.

 

_8:38 R: Hey! Sorry, I just woke up. Hope you didn’t worry too much._

_8:38 R: And no, I’m not dead…you weren’t THAT good lol._

**_Lol?_ **

_I’m used that correctly, right? Geez, I hate texting…_

He paused before sending the next text, briefly wondering if he should really continue this. But then again, he was already too deep. _I jumped in the deep end, might as well swim._

**_Especially if the other option is drowning._ **

_8:40 R: Yeah, I had a good time last night. It was one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time._

_8:40 R: Guess I have you to thank for it._

_8:43 J: Reise! I thot u were mad at me or somthn_

_8:43 J: glad u rnt_

_8:45 J: im glad u had fun_

_8:45 J: lst night was bettr than nythng ive evr done_

_8:45 J: I wanna do it again smtime soon_

_8:46 J: if u want I mean_

_8:46 J: or we cn jus hang thats fine wit me._

_8:47 R: I’d like that too. I’m always up for a ride._

_8:49 J: cool so how bout Friday_

_8:49 J: we cn meet at the naughty ottsel_

_8:50 J: my frend is the owner so we cn hang out n stuff_

_8:53 R: Sounds good. Does 6:00pm work for you?_

_8:54 J: I dno hav 2 talk 2 Torn n c if I hav any missions_

_8:54 J: I hav 2 go c him now actuly so ill txt u l8r 2night k_

_Oh precursors_. Jak’s grammar and spelling skills were absolutely vomit inducing, and if Torn wasn’t already so smitten it would be a huge turn off. But then again, no one’s perfect, and in a way Jak’s annoying text-speak was almost cute.

 

_8:53 R: Ok. Talk to you soon._

As soon as Torn sent that final text, his main com buzzed. He grabbed it and looked at the caller Id. It was Tear. He debated whether or not he should answer, but decided that Tear would worry if he didn’t. He answered the call and immediately saw Tear’s tired yet happy face pop up.

 

“Hey Tori!” his twin smiled softly, “Just wanted to say hi and check up on ya. I didn’t hear from you at all yesterday, something up?”

 

“Everything’s fine, Tear; actually I’m about to leave for work right now, can we talk l-” He paused and stared hard at Tear, noticing that his eyes were slightly red, “What’s wrong? You look…off.”

 

Tear shook his head and sighed, “Just doing some preparations for Ephirya, that’s all. The tavern’s already at capacity and then some. Lots of work and I only have so many employees, y’know?”

 

Torn raised a brow, “You have _two_ employees.”

 

“My point exactly.” Tear gave another wide smile that was less cheerful than it let on. Torn was about to start his interrogation when Tear suddenly interrupted, “Also, I…I started on the shrine…thought you’d like to know.”

 

Torn felt a twinge in his chest, “That why you look like you’re about to cry?”

 

Tear’s face fell and he absently scratched at his neck, _a nervous tick,_ before saying, “It’s that obvious, huh? I-I’m fine. It’s just, y’know…first time doing it in a while…and…seeing their pictures displayed…”

 

“Must been hard,” Torn sighed, shaking his head, “You shouldn’t have to do it alone…I’m sorry I-”

 

“Don’t.” Tear gave a weak smile, “I know you want to be here, Tori. But I know you can’t, at least not yet. You need to make some of those rainclouds go away first.”

 

“What do you-“

 

“I’m literally your twin, Tori…” Tear raised a brow knowingly, “You can’t hide things from me, and I’m not blind. I know you’ve been dealin’ with something for a long time, ever since Majhara and Pfeato died. Ari noticed it too. I’m not gonna pry or nothing; just know that I’m here if you need me.”

 

His throat suddenly felt dry. Torn clenched his jaw to keep his face blank before choking out, “I-uh…I should get going. Work…y’know?”

 

Tear nodded, “Same, love ya bro.”

 

“Love ya.”

 

His com went dark and Torn let out a frustrated sigh.

_Ari noticed…now Tear’s noticing._

**_Better work on that mask, partner. It’s cracking._ **

****

* * *

 

 

Friday evening came quicker than Torn expected. He made sure to give Jak the day off as Torn, and left an hour early to get ready for his not-date. He stood outside the Naughty Ottsel dressed in his “Reise” disguise. Staring at the refurbished ottsel dressed in devil garb, he felt…nervous.

 

_When was the last time I even had a date? Then again, this isn’t a date, is it? Jak asked to “hang out”, so it’s probably not? But then again, he did say he wanted a “repeat performance” of what we did two days ago so…_

_No._

_I need to pull back a bit. I can’t let this go any further. I had my fun, now it’s time to slowly back away and never look back._

_I need to be friendly, but set boundaries. Once I pull far enough away from him, he’ll get bored, we’ll grow apart, and everything will go back to how it was. Our time together will become lost to the past and forgotten._

_It’s for the best._

**_For him…or for you?_ **

 

He took a deep breath, straightened himself, and walked forward. The bar door swished open and Torn quickly stepped through, glancing around at the few patrons casually drinking or having conversation. He spotted Jak seated at the counter, the blonde having already seen him and currently waving him over.

 

Torn suddenly felt both underdressed and overdressed at the same time. He opted for another long-sleeved sweater and black jeans, nothing fancy… _and easy to take off-NO! Nope! Mind out of the gutter. This is just a friendly hang-out_. He smiled as he walked over to the counter and slid onto the seat next to Jak, “How’s it goin’ hero?” Jak smiled and gave a slightly awkward wave, “Reise, glad you made it! I was worried you wouldn’t come.”

 

“And miss the chance of seeing you again? Not l-a chance.” **_Nice save, your stupid catchphrase is a dead giveaway._** Torn cleared his throat, “So Jak-“

 

“This him, Jak?” Daxter walked along the bar until he was directly in front of Torn’s face. _Shit! I forgot about the rat!_ Torn stiffened under Daxter’s scrutinizing gaze. Jak clapped a hand on his shoulder and smiled at the rat, “Yep! Reise, this is my best friend Daxter. Dax, this is Reise.” Torn cleared his throat again, “Um…nice to meet you.”

 

After another moment of harsh staring, the rat’s face brightened into a goofy grin and he laughed, “Same ta you, Pal! Any friend of Jak’s is a friend of mine.” The rat turned and addressed the young woman manning the mixing station, “Drinks are on the house for these two, Maxine!” Maxine turned to give her boss a bored look and nodded, “Sure.”

 

As Daxter ran to the other end of the bar to address another customer, Maxine stood in front of Jak and gave him a questioning stare. Jak removed his hand from Torn’s shoulder, “I’ll just have my regular, Max.” Maxine gave a nod and shifted her gaze to Torn.

 

Torn suddenly felt very naked under this woman’s stare. _Where does the rat find these people?_ “Make it two.” The green haired woman gave a sharp nod before turning to the mixing station. Torn watched her for a minute before whispering to Jak, “Not much of a talker, huh?” Jak shrugged, “Max has a lot going on in her head, kinda like Commander Torn y’know? Don’t take it personally.”

 

Torn furrowed his brow and gave Maxine another glance before she turned and set two marge mugs in front of them. She stared hard at him before swiftly moving to the customer at the other end of the bar. _I act like that?_ “Torn acts like that?”

 

Jak took a gulp from his mug, “Well, not exactly, he’s actually a bit more intimidating.” Torn raised a brow in confusion, “Oh? How so?”

“Well,” Jak set his drink on the bar before turning to Torn, “Aside from the fact that he gets really close to people when he talks to them and sometimes he even gets in their face, he has this really hard stare that almost makes you feel like he’s looking through you instead of at you. Y’know what I mean, right? You mentioned that you don’t talk with him, but don’t you get missions from him?”

 

Torn was at a loss for words, “Well, I deal with his secretary more than him, and he usually gives me stuff through text.” _I actually do that? Hm, guess I really do take after my dad._ “It must be a cultural thing. Most Icelanders do it; even the half’n’halfs.”

 

“Icelanders? What does that have to do with Torn?” Jak stared at him with a look of complete confusion.

 

Torn stared back in disbelief, “Um…he’s Icelandian.”

 

 “Torn’s an Icelander?” Jak looked genuinely shocked, and Torn couldn’t understand how he didn’t realize that, “Yeah, he’s half, but he looks full-blooded. How could you not known that just by looking at him?”

 

“I’ve never met an Icelander before.” Jak furrowed his brows slightly, “Don’t know if this is common knowledge but, I grew up a few hundred years ago thanks to a time machine made by my now ex-girlfriend. Long story; I’ll tell you sometime. So, everyone in this time period looks weird to me. Where I came from, there were no Icelanders, Krassians, Spargans, or even Havenites.”

 

Torn suddenly felt like an idiot, “Sorry, I…I shouldn’t have assumed it was common knowledge to you.”

 

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Jak tilted back his drink and downed it in one gulp. He slammed the mug on the counter and turned to “Reise” with a mischievous grin, “So, wanna go do something fun?” For a moment, Torn though he meant sex, but the grin on Jak’s face usually meant a different kind of fun that was most likely either dangerous or illegal. He rolled his eyes and huffed out a laugh, “Actually, I planned something that I think you’d like.”

 

* * *

 

 

The transport doors opened and Torn stepped off onto the beach. Bone Island was usually a restricted zone due to military testing, but since Torn was the head of the military, he had complete and total access.

 

If Jak asked, he’ll say Torn gave him a mission here and he kept the access pass.

 

“I can’t believe it…it hasn’t changed at all…” Jak stepped off the transport and stared at the enormous bones of some ancient creature that still curled around the rocky cliffs. “You’ve been to Bone island before?” Torn felt a little disappointed. He hoped it would be a new experience for Jak.

 

“You can say that.” Jak swallowed, his throat felt dry all of a sudden, “Though, it used to be called Misty Island.” Jak glanced around, suddenly feeling as if he’d been tossed backwards in time. This was where it all began…he often wondered what would’ve happened if Daxter had suggested going to Sentinel beach instead of stealing the fisherman’s boat that night.

 

“Jak? You ok?”

 

He turned to look at “Reise” and nodded, “Yeah, I’m good. What’s your plan?”

 

Torn smirked, “Well, you didn’t hear this from me, but I happen to know that the science division is testing some prototype Hellcat zoomers here. They’re supposed to be three times as fast as a normal zoomer and they’re equipped with blue- light eco fusion shielding and a modified eco Taser that can disable zoomers.”

 

Jak suddenly looked like a child on Christmas morning, “Holy shit! Are we gonna ride them?!”

 

“Better,” Torn motioned to a metal garage door that was seemingly stuck into the side of a rocky cliff. He walked over to the door and pressed a button designed to look like a rock. Sounds of hissing machinery emanated from beyond the door, and suddenly the metal parted, revealing two zoomers painted blue with the freedom league symbol imprinted on the sides. “There’s a course made for testing them, how about a race?”

 

As soon as he got the last word out, Torn felt a rush of wind on his face as Jak rushed to one of the zoomers and mounted it, calling out excitedly, “I’m ALWAYS up for a race!”

 

Torn couldn’t contain his smile as he straddled the second zoomer, “Start it up like you would a normal one.” He quickly turned the vehicle on, feeling it rumble and whirr softly to life, “Come on.” He drove the vehicle out of the garage at a normal speed, hearing Jak follow behind. He led Jak through a small divide in the cliffs to a paved course designed to go around the island. He pulled up to the starting line and glanced at Jak.

 

The blonde was grinning like a madman, eyes focused on the road ahead. _He’s never looked more amazing…_ “One lap around the island, no leaving the course, and try not to run into anything.”

 

“We should bet something.” Jak turned to give him a mischievous smile. Torn bit the inside of his cheek and felt his neck flush under the make-up, “Oh? What did you have in mind?” Jak’s smile widened, “Winner gets to make the loser do whatever they want for the rest of the night.” Now the flush moved to Torn’s cheeks, but he just smirked and replied, “You’re on.”

 

He twisted the handles of the zoomer and sped off down the path, laughing as he heard Jak curse in the distance before scrambling to catch up. Torn followed the winding path that cut through the rock and bone littered island. He spared a glance behind him to see how far behind Jak was, only to watch as the blonde sped up next to him, gave him a wink, and pulled in front of him.

 

_Oh, it’s ON!!_

Torn leaned forward, forcing the zoomer to reach its top speed, catching Ja in a heartbeat

 

. As they raced around the island, nearly side by side, Torn couldn’t help but feel something bubble inside him.

 

This felt right.

 

It felt so right! Like it was supposed to be this way with them. He looked over at Jak beside him, watching the blonde’s face light up with excitement and glee. Torn looked at that face and wanted to make Jak feel like this all the time. His body started feeling hot and before he knew it, Jak was speeding ahead of him towards the finish line.

 

Torn broke out of his daze just in time to watch Jak cross the finish line and give a victory shout. Torn crossed the line and pulled up net to Jak, who turned to smile at him.

 

Torn returned the smile, but he coudn’t help but let his eyes travel over Jak’s form. The blonde’s chest was heaving from the rush of adrenaline and his face was flushed. He looked up at Jak’s face and saw that the blonde was doing the same thing to him.

 

Torn swallowed, feeling his throat suddenly dry up and moved to dismount. By the time he was able to get off his zoomer, Jak had already dismounted and was grabbing his hand. He barely had any time to process the events as Jak started pulling him off the course.

 

“Jak? What are-”

 

“I won. I’m taking my prize”

 

Torn flushed at the implication of the statement, “We have to put the zoomers back-”

 

“Later.”

 

“Jak-”

 

Jak turned to him and Torn noticed that his pupils were blown wide with lust. He gulped as Jak pulled him close and stared in his eyes, “If you make me go back and get the zoomers right now, I will throw you over one and plow your ass right there.”

 

Torn felt a tremble move up his thighs as Jak’s words went right to his hips. He gulped and laid a hand on Jak’s neck, making the blonde shiver before pressing their foreheads together, “Help me put the zoomers away, and you can fuck me anywhere you want, anyway you want…as long as you want.”

 

* * *

 

 

Honestly, when Torn said he would let Jak fuck him “anywhere”, he honestly didn’t expect to be dragged to the blonde’s apartment and literally tossed on his bed. As Torn bounced slightly from the force of being tossed like a sack of potatoes; he watched as Jak started undressing as quickly as possible…never once breaking eye contact.

 

Torn just laid there on his back and hungrily watched as Jak started undoing his pants. He was already hard and Torn felt his mouth watering at the prospect of getting another sample of Jak’s amazing cock. He moved to unbutton his own pants, but Jak literally growled at him, “Don’t!”

 

He froze and was about to open is mouth when Jak suddenly kicked his pants off and crawled on top of him on his hands and knees. Torn stared wide-eyed up at the blonde who was staring at him  like he was a starving man and Torn was a buffet. Jak’s eyes raked over “Reise’s” form, “You’re my prize…I wanna unwrap you.”

 

And if that wasn’t the hottest thing Torn ever heard, then he would be lying. Torn just nodded and laid back; silently thanking the precursors that he had chosen to cover _all_ of his tattoos this time instead of just his face and neck.

 

Jak leaned down and captured Torn’s lips in a bruising kiss. He reached up and wrapped a calloused hand around the older male’s throat, squeezing lightly. Torn moaned against Jak’s mouth and arched his hips up to teasingly brush against Jak’s growing bulge.

 

Jak growled into the kiss and sucked Torn’s bottom lip between his teeth, biting gently before his moved to his neck and sucked harsh bruises into it. Torn gasped and threw his head back, allowing Jak to slide his tongue over his adams apple and sink his teeth into his collar bone.

 

Torn felt Jak suddenly pull away to sat back on his clothed hips. The blonde gripped his pecs and massaged them before sliding his hands down over his stomach to the hem of his sweater. He felt his heartbeat increase as Jak gripped the edge of his sweater and quickly yanked it up and over his head in one fluid motion. Jak pulled back and inspected his chest.

 

He suddenly felt self-conscious, and felt the urge to cover his chest; Jak, however, seemed to be mesmerized by it and gave him no time to even attempt it. The blonde grabbed his chest, sinking his fingers in the meaty flesh and leaned down to suck a bruise between his hairless pecs. Torn looked down at him curiously, “What are you doing?” Jak looked up and smiled innocently, “Just admiring your boobs. They’re fuckin’ sexy!”

 

Torn narrowed his eyes, “They’re not boobs.”

 

Jak laughed softly, “Oh yeah?” he pushed them together, making some decent cleavage, “Hm…guess you’re right. Not soft enough to be boobs-”

 

“Thank you-”

 

“But,” Jak pulled the firm muscles apart and gave them a squeeze, “too slutty to be pecs.” Torn flushed and tried to stifle a moan as Jak’s thumb started circling his left nipple. The blonde examined the dark pink bud before leaning down and giving it a lick, producing a gasp out of his blue-haired prey. “I think ‘tits’ is a better term.” Jak suddenly pinched both of Torn’s nipples and watched as they darkened from the abuse.

 

Torn growled in protest, trying to keep from shivering in delight at what Jak was doing. He was about to tell him off when Jak suddenly leaned down and took one of his abused nipples in his mouth. Anything Torn was about to say died in his throat and turned into a moan as the blonde hero tortured his chest with fingers and tongue.

 

Jak smirked up at him and pulled off, leaving his nipple shiny from spit. Jak pulled back and pushed Torn’s pecs together again, “Actually, can I try something?” Torn looked between Jak’s face and the grip he had on his chest; he instantly understood what Jak was about to suggest. He smirked, “Lemme guess…you want to fuck my pecs?”

 

Jak blushed and averted his gaze out of embarrassment, “Y-yeah…Can I?”

 

Now, Torn never liked his chest. He never allowed previous partners to use it, including Jinx who was adamant about it. But Jak wasn’t like his previous flings. Jak was special. He smiled softly and reached out, placing his hand on Jak’s clothed crotch, squeezing the bulge gently, “I’m your prize babe, you can use me however you want.”

 

Jak frowned, “Reise, I’m not doing something you won’t like.”

 

“Who said I wouldn’t like it?” Torn reached up and grabbed the back of the blonde’s head, pulling his down for a kiss. Torn could feel Jak trembling above him from the kiss and slotted their open mouths together to deepen it. With his free hand, he began massaging Jak’s hard cock through his underwear before he broke the kiss and purred, “You gonna take it out, or do you plan on rutting your bulge against me until you soil your panties?”

 

The blush the covered Jak’s face was beautiful, and it only became more lovely as Jack sat up and pulled his briefs down. He moved off Torn for a second to remove the offending garment completely, but he was straddling him again in two second flat.

 

Torn looked down at the hard leaking cock jutting out proudly and felt his mouth water. He reached out and gave the member a loving stroke, making the blonde jolt above him. Torn got an idea and slid down until his face was directly under Jak’s dick. He didn’t even give Jak time to notice he had moved before taking the thick cock down his throat. Jak let out a sharp noise above him at the sudden sensation, “R-Reise! Fuck-ngh-”

 

 

Torn slid the pulsing member in and out of his throat until it was sufficiently coated in his saliva. He then slid it out of his throat until only the tip remained inside. He swirled his tongue around the cockhead and pressed the tip of his tongue against the slit, tasting salty precum. He reluctantly pulled off with a wet pop before shimmying up just a little and allowing the wet dick to slap against the dip between his pecs.

 

Jak looked down at him, eyes glazed over and darkened with lust. Torn smirked up at him and pressed his pecs together, just barely able to squeeze against the hot hard flesh between them, “Ok hero, fuck my so-called tits.”

 

Apparently, that was all Jak needed to hear, because the second Torn finished speaking, Jak started pistoning in between his cleavage like a jackhammer (no pun intended). Torn bit the inside of his cheek as he sat there, mesmerized by how Jak was using him. He watched as the blonde’s slick cock fucked in between his firm mound and the tip came tantalizingly close to him.

 

Part of him wished Jak was a bit longer so he could suck on that tasty red tip.

 

Jak sped up above him, moaning and gasping and cursing out dirty promises of what he was going to do to him. Torn felt heat pool in his stomach as his own cock strained against the confines of his pants. And just when he thought it couldn’t get more intense, Jak suddenly thrust himself upwards out of the wet valley he was rutting into and forced his entire length down Torn’s throat.

 

Torn started getting flashbacks of that time in the bathroom…

 

Jak seemed to be completely gone as he pressed his hips down harshly and forced Torn’s head into the pillow. Jak thrusted deeply and quickly, only pulling an inch out before slamming back inside. Torn couldn’t breathe, and it was the best feeling in the world!

 

Unfortunately, it was over too soon since Jak suddenly ripped himself out of Torn’s throat and started fucking in between his pecs again. Torn coughed and gasped for a moment and looked back at Jak just in time to watch him cum in between his pecs. Torn suddenly was reminded of how inhuman Jak’s balls were when his cock spurted thick ropes of jizz all over Torn’s chest and neck.

 

Jak’s hips slowed and he seemed to come back down. The second he noticed the mess he made, he immediately tensed, “Oh fuck…I’m so sorry! I-I don’t know what got into me…” Torn shook his head and absently dragged a finger through the mess between his cleavage, “Hey, don’t worry about it. I happen to enjoy your rough treatment remember.” He stuck his finger in his mouth, sucking around it, never breaking eye contact with Jak.

 

It seemed to be enough to get Jak ready to go again, since his half-hard cock twitched in interest at the display. Jak gulped and leaned down, hovering his mouth above Torn’s chest. Before Torn could ask what he was doing, Jak stuck out his tongue and swiped it over his pec, collecting his own cum on his tongue.

_Oh…fuck…that should be illegal._

Torn watched in awe as the blonde dutifully cleaned him… _with his own tongue_. Jak occasionally glanced up at him, searching for approval, and damn it if that didn’t make Torn cum right then. _Fuck! How can someone be this dirty and look so innocent?_

Torn couldn’t fucking take another second of it. With a growl he flipped their positions and slammed Jak down against the mattress. Torn sat back on the blonde’s groin and started grinding his ass against it desperately. Jak grabbed his hips harshly, meeting his pace and thrusting up against his clothed backside in mock sex.

 

It was almost too much. Torn threw his head back and bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, “Fuck! Do you have any idea-ANY IDEA how fucking filthy you are?!” He leaned forward and fisted Jak’s hair, yanking his neck to the side so he could take his turn to leave marks. He sucked and nipped at the long tan neck, making the blonde gasp and whimper beneath him.

 

He bit at Jak’s jugular and dragged his tongue over his collar bone before rasping, “I’ve never had a partner half as dirty as you, you cheeky little shit.” He sat back up and glared down at the panting blonde who managed to meet his gaze at the same intensity. Torn smirked and ran both hands down Jak’s chest, raking his nails against the strong muscles and leaving sharp red lines in his wake, “You want me to ride your fat cock you nasty little beast?”

 

The blonde arched his chest beneath him, unable to lift his hips with Torn pressing him down against the bed. Torn chuckled darkly, “Want me to use you like a toy? Think you can satisfy my greedy ass with that thick tool?” He reached one hand behind himself and pressed the already fully hard and leaking cock against his clothed ass, grinding against it.

 

“Reise-” Jak begged as he tried thrusting into Torn’s hand, “Please! I need-”

 

“What?” Torn slowed is hips and started slowly rolling his hips back against Jak’s angry red cock. He pulled his hand away and groped his own bulge teasingly, “What do you need, Jak? You need to rut inside my hole like a crocadog? You need to push me down and breed me like a bitch in heat?”

 

Jak’s eyes darkened and his pupils almost overtook his blue irises, “ **Yes**!”

 

“Then fucking do it!” Torn growled down at the younger male.

 

And Jak instantly complied. He shot up and forced the older male face down against the mattress before straddling his thighs. He held Torn by the neck with one hand while the other yanked down his pants and underwear in one swipe. Torn moaned against the bed sheets as he felt a wet finger fuck into his clenching asshole.

 

He may have riled Jak up a bit too much. The barely 20 year old and very sexually frustrated male was pistoning his finger in and out, not allowing Torn to get used to it before he shoved two more in. Torn gritted his teeth and hissed in slight pain at the sudden stretch, though he had to admit that it was turning him on to be dominated like this.

 

Jak’s fingers twisted and stroked his velvety insides and the blonde moaned at the feel, “Fuck…you’re so soft and wet inside. You’re gonna grip me o good Do you have any idea how much I wanted to just bend you over Dax’s counter and fuck you until you couldn’t walk anymore?”

 

Torn moaned, his insides clenching around Jak’s thrusting fingers.

 

“I would fuck you open, right in front of everyone, then I would push in all the way and fill you up with my jizz.”

 

His heart throbbed in his chest and his cock leaked helplessly, trapped between his stomach and the bed, “Jak…”

 

“And then,” Jak leaned down and nipped at his earlobe before husking into it, “I would pull out and watch as my cum spills out of your gaping red hole and down your pretty thighs.” He shoved his fingers in as far as the would go and ground into a spot near his prostate, “And I would let everyone look at you. Look at what I did to you, but I wouldn’t let them touch you…”

 

Torn felt the fingers leave his body, and he suddenly help horribly empty. He let out a quiet whine at the loss, but froze as he felt something bigger prod at his winking hole.

 

“You know why?”

 

Torn didn’t let Jak finish. He turned and captured the blonde’s lips with his own in a short kiss before growling, “Because I’m **yours**. Now FUCK ME!”

 

The prod turned into a harsh penetration as Jak plowed deep into Torn’s bowels. Torn let out a loud groan and let his face drop against the mattress. Jak dropped his own head on Torn’s shoulder and bit into it as he pressed all his weight into his partner. Jak wasted no time starting his rut, and Torn could do nothing but lie there with his body pressed tightly against the bed as Jak split his ass in two.

 

It was the closest thing to heaven Torn has ever felt. He didn’t even care that Jak forgot to put on a condom, and frankly he didn’t want to use one anyway. He wanted to feel the blonde’s raw cock pound him deep into the loudly squeaking bed. He wanted to be filled so deep no amount of cleaning would get Jak’s seed out. He wanted to be open for days after this and feel the burn of a good stretching long after Jak has pulled out.

 

He felt Jak begin kissing and licking along his neck, sucking small hickeys amongst the larger ones, and he wished briefly that they would never leave.

 

The pace increased and Jak grunted above him like a rutting beast. Torn’s mouth was open, drool dripping down his chin and clenched shut so he could focus only on the sensation of Jak fucking him. The thrusts against his deepest part was maddening and Torn could already feel his orgasm approaching. He wished he could stop it, but the relentless attack on his insides was too amazing to dull.

 

He heard Jak give a loud roar above him before slamming inside one last time.

 

Then he felt it.

 

Jak’s cum was hotter than he thought _. Probably the eco?_ It gushed inside him and pushed him over the edge. Torn moaned weakly and pressed is face even harder against the mattress as he felt his cock spurt underneath him.

 

The orgasm felt like it would never end, but when it did, Torn felt so full. He absently wondered if his stomach was bloated, since it felt like Jak came _a lot_. Jak collapsed on top of him, panting hard as he gave a few weak thrusts inside his sloppy hole. Torn just kept his eyes close and savored the bliss of post-sex.

 

They stayed like that for a minute before Jak shakily sat up and pulled his soft cock from his partner’s insides. Immediately, Torn felt something rush out of him and pour down his thighs, most likely pooling on his jeans which still clung to his legs.

 

Jak licked his lips and grabbed the older man’s asscheeks, spreading them open to observe his handiwork, “Fuck Reise, you look so…wrecked.” Jak dipped both thumbs inside Torn’s hole and pulled the red rim open, looking inside at the dark pink walls sticky with his seed and clenching in abandon around nothing.

 

“And…whose fault…do you think…that is…” Torn could barely speak. He was panting so hard. But that changed when he suddenly felt Jak’s semi-hard cock slap against his ruined hole. He lifted his head and looked back at the blonde in horror, “No…You’re seriously?!”

 

Jak gave an evil grin, “You said I could fuck you ‘anywhere you want, anyway you want…as long as you want’.” He slowly slid his fully hard cock back inside, the slickness making it easier, “And I have a crazy refractory period, my sexy little Reise.”

 

As Jak started thrusting anew, Torn wondered if he survived two wars, multiple heartbreaks, and Daxter…just to die being impaled by an insanely horny blonde hopped up on dark eco steroids.

 

* * *

 

 

Morning came and Torn normally cursed the sunlight that always seemed to know where his eyes were located; but this time, he couldn’t possible wake up angry. He opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was Jak’s beautiful sleeping face. He stared at it for a moment, memorizing every curve, every dip, and every wrinkle on Jak’s face.

 

It was absolutely breath taking. _Speaking of breath taking…_

Torn sat up and immediately felt a very noticeable ache from the waist down. After the 5th round, Torn feared that Jak may have actually paralyzed him. His jaw ached as well from the three blowjobs he had to give the blonde in between rounds to give his poor ass a break. He checked his wig to make sure it was still on, and finding that it was indeed still attached he moved to stand.

 

The second he stood up, his legs buckled and he had to flop back down, groaning in discomfort. Something slid down his already messy thighs and Torn felt his stomach turn sour. _Well…drinking copious amount of semen from both ends would do that._ He knew that he had to leave before Jak woke, but the more he looked down at the sleeping hero, the harder it was to actually do. He attempted to stand again and actually succeeded. Shakily, he limped to the bathroom, gathering his clothing as he did.

 

In the bathroom, he wiped up the mess on his chest, neck, and between his legs. He decided that he would shower when he got home, since he didn’t want to risk taking off the make-up which miraculously stayed on during their…activities. _That really is some good shit._

He redressed and exited the bathroom just in time to nearly crash into Jak. The blonde stared at him with a slightly hurt expression, “Hey, you ok?” Torn tensed and cleared his throat before answering, “Y-yeah…you just…you did a number on me last night. I barely made it here.” That didn’t seem to help Jak as he  seemed to deflate a little, “Oh…sorry. I-I don’t know why I keep getting carried away. It’s just…when I’m around you I get so…”

 

Torn sighed and placed a hand on Jak’s bare shoulder, “I know…I get the same way.” That seemed to perk the blonde up a bit and Torn continued, “Last night took a lot out of me, but I’ve never felt better than I do right now.” He gave Jak a soft smile as the blonde hero blushed lightly and smiled sheepishly, “Really? Heh…that’s…that’s great. So…we can do it again sometime?”

 

There was no voice in Torn’s head to tell him that this was a mistake. No voice egging him on, and no voice preying on his insecurities. It was just them.

 

Jak and Reise.

 

Torn laughed softly, feeling a weight that he didn’t even know was there lift away from him, “Of course.” He leaned forward and pressed up against Jak, wrapping his arms around him, and nearly quivering when Jak wrapped his arms around his waist and squeezed him.

 

Torn closed his eyes and nestled his face against Jak’s firm shoulder.

 

“I don’t think I want to ever let go…”

 


	8. You'll regret it all some day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OMG Double Update?! Am I crazy? Am I drunk? Have I actually been taken over by a BL addicted alien?!
> 
> Nah...I've just been in a writing mood lately! Also, this chapter is really short and was easy to write lol. 
> 
> Also, it'll be my birthday one week from Today, so this is an early birthday present from me to you guys!! I know that's not how it works but WHO CARES?! 
> 
> Enjoy some sexy times and a little angst, because ITS ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE LADIES AND GENTS!!!
> 
> The next chapter is gonna be really long and hard to write, so don't expect it for a couple months. 
> 
> PLEASE COMMENT!!! I LIVE FOR THEM!!! INFLATE MY EGO AND FILL ME WITH YOUR DIRTY COMMENTS!!! THEY WILL PROBABLY MOTIVATE MY LAZY ASS TO GET THE NEXT CHAPTER OUT QUICKER!!!!
> 
> Lol, im jk...comment only if you have something to say :3

Torn sat at his desk, the stack of mission reports silently judged him for slacking off at work, but he didn’t care. He was lost in his own perfect little world of being in a “relationship” with the most amazing, exciting, and intoxicating person the world has ever known.

 

It’s been a week since their first “date” at Bone Island, and since then Torn has disguised himself as Reise three more times. He almost ran out of the special tattoo concealer, but thankfully he figured out where Ashelin got it from and picked up a few spares.

 

Two weeks ago, he didn’t even think it was possible to be this happy.

 

Then again, two weeks ago, he was Commander Torien Reista: A man with more ghosts haunting him than a psychic.

 

Now…

 

Now, he didn’t have to be Torien Reista all the time.

 

For those special nights when Jak asked to hang out, he was Reise.

 

Reise… the confident, sexy Havenite who managed to gain the affections of Jak Mar; someone who was so far out of his league they might as well be on different planets.

 

At this point, the voices had all dulled to a gentle murmur while he was Torn; and they went completely silent when he wore that stupid blue wig. For the first time in many years, he was truly at peace. It was like he was a child again, with no worries beyond a few bullies.

 

Oh yeah…life was good right now.

 

Torn smiled and chuckled under his breath as he read a cute text from Jak. He was texting “Reise” during his mission and just sent him a selfie he took in front of a waterfall.

 

_2:23 J: U seein ths_

_2:24 J: we shud com here 4 a d8 ;D_

 

Jak’s text-speak was really growing on him…

 

_2:25 R: Never been fucked near a waterfall before…sounds fun!_

_2:26 J: I was thnkin mre along th lines of  a picnic…_

_2: 26 J: but if u want, I cn fuc u on the blanket aftr we eat._

Torn felt his body heat up as he imagined Jak fucking him on top of a soft blanket outside. Grass surrounding them, out in the open…in nature. He licked his bottom lip in anticipation.

 

_2:27 R: You certainly know how to treat a guy. Though, I’d rather let you stuff me full of something other than food._

_2:28 J: o ur drty_

_2:28 J: keep it up n ill fuc tht flthy mouth like I did las nite_

_2:29 R: Is that supposed to deter me? Because it’s having the opposite effect._

_2:30 J: eithr way ur sucin my dic 2nite_

Torn snorted to keep himself from laughing. Jak had quite a mouth on him, and it just made Torn love even more. How did he ever think this was a bad thing? He should’ve fucked Jak that first night instead of worrying over things that didn’t matter.

 

_2:32 R: Don’t you have a mission to complete? Torn’ll have both our asses if we’re caught fuckin’ around during work hours._

 

_2:33 J: then giv me smthn 2 think bout til I c u 2nite_

_2:34 J: send me a pic_

Torn frowned.

Jak wanted a picture of Reise…and he wasn’t Reise right now.

He groaned in frustration. _Damn it…why the fuck don’t I keep the Reise outfit here? I should keep it on me at all times…_

**_Why do I have to be “Torn” right now._ **

****

_2:35 R: Sorry babe, can’t right now. I’ll make it up to you later._

_2:36 J: wanna c ur ass_

_2:36 J: wanna fuc u open n cum in ur hole till u gush_

Torn nearly dropped his com as his face heated up. He clenched his thighs together, _fuck…_

_2:37 R: And what have you done to deserve the privilege of filling me? So far, all you’ve done is evade work and distract me._

_2:38 J: Reise pls_

_2:38 J: need u_

_2:39 J: I need ur ass clenchin round my dic_

_2:39 J: I need ur mouth on my cock_

_2:40 J: need 2 fuc u so hard u feel it for days_

Torn resisted the urge to touch his rapidly hardening cock. Jak certainly knew how to push his buttons, and the little shit actually made him hard…from shitty sexting! Torn quickly stood and speed-walked to his office door; his bodily steadily heating up. He punched in the lockout code, ensuring that he wouldn’t be disturbed. He sat back down at his desk and sent out a quick text.

 

_2:43 R: Ok you filthy creature, make an excuse to get alone and call me as soon as you do._

He sat back, shakily holding his com. The adrenaline running through his system was **fucking insane**! Jak was literally making him lose all common sense _. This is nuts…Ashelin could walk in at any moment_. She had the access for the lockout override. He’s had sex in his office before, but this somehow felt taboo…like it was wrong somehow…

 

_Why?! How is this any different from fucking Jinx or Kal?!_

 

He nearly jumped in delight when his com buzzed. He grabbed it and made himself wait for three seconds before answering it, being sure the holocam was turned off so Jak only heard his voice. _I’m still in control here. He will never know how crazy he makes me._ He cleared his throat in preparation for the disguise voice and answered the com, “You alone, fuckin’ dog?”

 

“Y-yeah!” Jak sounded out of breath. Either he ran far away from his team or he was being affected just as badly as Torn was. “Good.” Torn took a breath to calm himself before continuing, “How hard are you?”

 

“So hard I could fuck a hole in this damn cliff.” There was a slight sound of clothes rustling before Jak continued, “you hard too?” Torn laughed softly, “Hard enough to have fun, though we both know the state of my cock doesn’t matter.”

Jak moaned through the com, “Fuck, Reise…I wish I was there, wherever you are.”

“Oh? And what would you do if you were here?”

 

“I’d kiss you. On the mouth first, then I’d move down your neck and maybe leave a bite or two.”

 

Torn suppressed a shiver, “In other words, you’d mark me like the nasty beast you are. Is that right?” He heard Jak moan on the other end and laughed, “Fuck, you’re so naughty. Unruly mutt. You really need some discipline in your life.”

 

“Y-yeah?” Jak was panting lightly, “You gonna tame me?”

 

“You say that as if I didn’t have you on a leash already.” Torn pressed his palm against his crotch, grinding against his hand stiffly, and “Have you been touching yourself?”

 

“Mmhm, haven’t stopped since you answered.”

 

Torn let out a growl, trying to sound disappointed, “Impatient little shit. Hands off.” He heard Jak whine in the background, “Huh?!”

 

“Don’t touch it.”

“What? Why?”

 

“You heard me. Don’t. Touch. It,” Torn sat back, spreading his thighs as he started rubbing himself through his pants, “For being such an impatient slut, you’re going to cum from my voice… _just_ my voice.” He suppressed a chuckle when he heard Jak groan in despair.

 

“Reise…please no…”

 

“You can do it.”

 

“Reise-”

 

“You…can…do it.” Torn slid his hand further down to stroke between his cheeks and gasped into the com. He heard Jak moan in response.

 

“Reise…”

 

“Hush, close your eyes and imagine what I look like right now.” Torn stroked his hole softly, resisting the urge to tear his pants off and finger himself with abandon. “Imagine I’m kneeling in front of you. Your hard cock is jutting out, dripping in front of me, so close to my mouth that you can feel my breath on the tip.”

 

He heard Jak try to suppress a moan and purred, “You want to just grab me and shove your cock down my throat…where you know it belongs…but you won’t. Why won’t you?”

 

“Because I-I’m a good boy?”

 

“That’s right, and good boys get rewarded.” Torn pressed on his perineum, fondling his prostate from the outside, “That’s why I’ll take mercy on you. I’ll let you put the tip in my mouth. I’d suck it gently and swirl my tongue around it, just the way you like.” He heard Jak gasp.

 

“Then I’d grab the shaft, stroking gently up and down as I play with your leaking tip. My grip would be tight enough where you can’t thrust, yet loose enough for me to start stroking.” Torn moved his hand away and stroke the inside of his thigh, trying to calm himself, “Once I’ve had my fill of your shaft, I’ll move down to your balls, taking them in my hands…as I slide your hot cock down my throat.”

 

“Reise!” Jak moaned desperately, and Torn could hear friction of something rubbing against cloth, “You better not be rubbing yourself, mutt. My orders were for you to cum from my voice.”

 

“M’not!! Jus’ grabbing my jacket…s-so hard not to touch…”

 

…oh fuck…

 

“Such a good boy. Must be so difficult for you. If you can cum for me like this, I’ll let you use my throat again, as much as you want.”

 

A loud moan, muffled by what Torn assumed was a hand.

 

“You can let me lay on the bed, face up with my head hanging off the side. Then you can thrust inside my open mouth hard and fast…”

 

The panting increased over the com.

 

“My neck would be stretched; you’d be able to see your cock…see where the tip bulges out behind the skin…”

 

Torn ground his ass down against his chair…desperate for even the barest amount of friction.

 

“You’d put your hands around my throat…and if you squeezed you’d be able to feel it tighten around your dick.”

 

“Reise!! I-I’m so close!!”

 

“Oh I know you are. And when you’re ready to cum, you’ll do it down my throat. You’ll watch as I try desperately to swallow, but it won’t be necessary. You’ll be so deep inside it’ll shoot directly into my stomach.”

 

“F-Fuck!!”

 

“You can just keep thrusting too…fucking my raw throat as you suffocate me on your hard cock. Filling me…with…your…”

 

“HNG!!”

 

“…cum.”

 

Jak let out a cry, and Torn nearly came himself, but barely managed to hold off. Jak started gasping for air and panting as he finished his orgasm. Torn smiled softly and purred into the com, “You did it. I’m proud of you, sweetheart.” He heard Jak laugh softly, obviously out of breath before answering, “Y-yeah? Well…just wait until later…you’ve given me a few ideas.”

 

* * *

 

 

**_This is still wrong…_ **

_I don’t care._

**_It won’t end well…_ **

_I don’t care._

**_You’ll just end up hurting him!_ **

_He won’t find out._

**_He might…_ **

_He won’t._

**_You promised Ashelin…_ **

_She doesn’t understand…_

**_This won’t change anything…_ **

_I know that…but it’s making me happy…_

**_I don’t care._ **

 

* * *

 

 

“So then Romera starts firing, right? Next thing we know, the bullets start refracting off the canyon walls!! The dumbass had his rifle set to Beam Reflexor instead of Blaster!!” Jak took a drink of his beer as Torn covered his mouth to stifle an embarrassing giggle, snorting instead. His own drink was empty and just taking up space on the Naughty Ottsel’s counter.

 

Once again, Jak had asked to meet up at the Naughty Ottsel. Honestly, Torn was glad he asked, since Jak just came back from a two day mission. After the sexting incident (and the actual sex that followed), he began to really notice the void Jak left when they weren’t together. He knew he was being a bit clingy; they have only been “dating” for two weeks now. But, he still didn’t care.

 

“Seriously?! Geez, that kid needs to start using his brain more, lemme tell you. This one time-” he was interrupted by the rat clearing his throat, “Hate to interrupt ya, Reise, but I got someone who wants ta meet ya!”

 

Torn smiled down at Daxter, a thing that has been happening a lot lately ever since he and Jak started spending more time together, “Oh? Who is it?”

 

Daxter motioned to Maxine, and the somber bartender walked over…with Tess riding on her shoulder. The blonde ottsel jumped down onto the counter and stared up at Torn, eyes widening slightly. Daxter wrapped an arm around his girlfriend’s waist, “Reise, I’d like ya to meet my beautiful soul mate, Tess. Tess, this is the guy whose stolen Jak away from us!”

 

Torn smiled down at Tess, “Pleasure to meet you, miss.”

 

Tess just stared up at him…her expression unreadable, “Y-yeah…you too.”

 

The silence grew between them and Torn became tense. Tess was acting pretty strange…

 

The “demolition duo”, however, didn’t seem to notice as Daxter hopped up on Jak’s shoulder, “Actually, speaking of stealing Jak, I need him in the back! Got an experimental brew that’s top secret and only for his eyes.” He glanced at Torn, “You don’t mind if I steal yer boy for a bit, right Bluey?”

 

Torn rolled his eyes and sighed, “I’ll manage without him…somehow.” Jak leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before taking Daxter to the back room. Maxine left to tend to a back booth, and soon it was just him and Tess.

 

Speaking of Tess, she was still staring hard at him…unmoving. It was actually starting to unnerve him. _She’s never like this…_

 

He cleared his throat, “So, uh-”

 

“Torn…” Tess shifted nervously, “What are you doing?”

 

It was as if time had stopped in that moment. Torn felt his heart drop into his stomach and leap back up into his throat. His eyes went wide and he froze.

 

…she figured it out…

Tess…figured it out…

_HOW DID SHE FIGURE IT OUT?!_

“I-I don’t know what you-”

 

“Cut the bullshit.” She was frowning now, eyes narrowed and arms crossed, “Why…are you dressed up like that...calling yourself ‘Reise’...and _dating_ Jak?!”

 

He swallowed, feeling a lump in his throat. There was no lying to her…no way to weasel out of this…he was fucked. “I…it’s…it’s a long story…” Tess’s stance only became more intimidating as she growled, “Then you better start talking before they get back, or I’ll just ask Jak why he’s dating his boss…and **friend** … in disguise.”

 

“DON’T!!” Torn looked around when he realized he said that a little too loudly. He growled in frustration and ran a hand through his wig, “Just….okay, look. It really is way too long for me to get into right now; I’ll tell you later but PLEASE…don’t tell Jak!” Under the make-up, he was certain his skin was turning a few shades paler. Tess didn’t look like she was budging though…

 

He sighed and looked at her, anxiety evident in his voice, “Please…if…if he finds out now, it won’t be good for any of us. You know what happens when he gets angry.”

 

That seemed to convince her, since she dropped the aggressive stance and sighed in defeat, “Ok…I won’t say anything. But you better tell me everything as soon as you can! You got it?!” She gave him her most serious glare…the one she only used sparingly. Torn nodded as his heart rate went back to a safe level, “I will…ok? I will, I just…I need a little time.”

 

Tess was about to open her mouth again, when Jak came sauntering back out, dopey grin on his face and an obviously drunken Dater hanging over his shoulder. He swiftly deposited Daxter on the counter before wrapping his arms around Torn’s shoulders, “Heeeey baby.”

 

Torn quirked a painted brow, “Um…hey? What’s up with you?” Daxter hiccupped and slurred from his position, “New drink! It’s an Aprodizzyic…I mean…aphrodicsy…it makes ya feel good.” Jak nuzzled against his neck and purred in his ear, “Yeah…and I feel… _really_ good right now.” Torn sighed and palmed his forehead, “You idiots drank an aphrodisiac?” He laughed softly as he felt Jak’s hands wander down his back towards his ass.

 

“Can we go, babe?” Jak started nibbling on his earlobe, “Need some attention, if ya know what I mean.” Jak pulled back and waggled his eyebrows mischievously. Torn took one look and actually laughed, for real, making Tess’s eyes widen slightly and give him a conflicted stare.

 

He glanced at Tess briefly before standing, “Yeah, let’s go.” He wrapped an arm around Jak’s waist and allowed him to lean against him as he guided them both out of the bar.

 

…He could feel Tess’s eyes on him even after the door closed behind him.

 

* * *

 

 

Strangely, it was these moments right now…

 

Jak was lying beside him, completely spent from their activities, system completely flushed of the aphrodisiac he and the rat took, and looking surprisingly peaceful.

 

…these were the moments that Torn was fighting so hard to keep.

 

He sat in Jak’s bed, back against the wall and staring out the window in the bedroom. The view wasn’t as nice as the one in Torn’s apartment, but somehow, Torn was enjoying it a lot more.

 

Or, he would be if he could get Tess’s disapproving glare out of his mind. He sighed, looking down at the sleeping blonde beside him. He was having so much fun these past two weeks; he seemed to forget that this was one fucked up situation.

 

He was living in a fantasy.

 

And he was forcing Jak to be part of it.

 

Torn reached out and ran a hand over Jak’s tan shoulder, curling his fingers over the sharp jut of his clavicle and the hard muscle of his bicep.

 

_I’m so confused…_

He brought his hands up to his face and groaned into them. _How long am I even planning to do this for? I can’t go on being two people. What if Jak starts to notice? What if he sees me without the wig? What if he wants me to move in with him? I couldn’t possibly hide it then…_

_…what if he wants to marry “Reise”?_

“Reise?”

 

Torn turned to look at his “boyfriend”, who was rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes. He felt his heart pulse with adoration and smiled softly, “Hey sleepin’ beauty.” He leaned down and captured Jak’s lips in a loving kiss, “You doin’ ok? I didn’t take took much out of you?”

 

Jak yawned and shook his head, “Nah, you took just enough.” Jak pressed closer to him and moved to lay his head on Torn’s bare thigh. Torn chuckled softly and scooted down so Jak could lie on his stomach instead. As the blonde settled against his naval, Torn started threading his fingers through Jak’s hair.

 

_For this alone…I would give up everything._

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Jak looked up at him, ocean blue eyes shining. Torn felt his heat melt, “Sure.”

 

“The scar on your side…the one just under your ribs…what is it?”

 

For a moment, Torn didn’t know what Jak was talking about…then it hit him. He looked away from Jak before sadly replying, “Its…it’s a gang mark.” He looked back at Jak, gaging his reaction. The blonde just looked interested…not judgmental, not disgusted…just curious, “You were in a gang?”

 

“When I was younger, yeah…” He hadn’t really thought about the mark in a long time. It consisted of the letters “S” and “L”, only about the length of his thumb, and was carved into the skin just under his ribs on his left side. After he had made it his mission to hunt down every gang in Haven and toss them in jail, he hadn’t given the mark, that he was once so proud of, any thought.

 

Jak reached around and ran his fingers over the raised scar, “Do all gangs do this?” Torn closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Jak’s calloused fingers grazing over the sensitive scar, “Not all of them…this one was pretty…exclusive.” He felt Jak’s finger trace the letters before circling the circumference of the scar. He stayed as still as he could until he felt Jak’s weight lift from his body.

 

He opened his eyes and found that the blonde had straddled him and was now staring at him…contemplating something. For a moment, Torn felt a stab of fear…wondering if Jak was finally seeing similarities between his two personas. The blonde leaned forward and pressed his face into the crook of Torn’s neck, wrapping his arms around his middle as well.

 

“Reise…I know it’s only been two weeks…but I feel like…I’ve known you for longer.”

 

His heart stopped, “O-oh?”

 

“Yeah…” Jak was kissing his neck now, just lightly pressing his lips against the hot skin, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before…not even Keira. I feel like…like this is right. Like I’m supposed to be with you. Like we were meant to be together. Does that make sense?”

 

“Heh…yeah actually,” Torn wrapped his arms around Jak’s waist, pulling him flush against his chest, “I feel the same way.”

 

“I love you.”

 

Torn felt like he could die right now and he would be content.

 

But…for some reason…

 

_I can’t say it back…_

Instead, Torn pulled Jak’s head away from his neck and cupped his face. He smiled softly and leaned in, pressing their lips together for the hundredth time that night…

 

…he prayed that the sun would never rise.


	9. You are my Sunshine; My only Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long hiatus...
> 
> This is a very important chapter for reasons you'll see later, and...well, I wanted to get it right. I kept bouncing around with how I wanted this to play out before I decided on what's in this chapter.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy it, and I'm sorry in advance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!
> 
> This chapter contains some really heavy stuff. Its a constant in this fic, but last thing I want is to trigger someone. See end notes for specifics.

 

It was funny how three little words could make him feel as if he were lighter than air.

 

Three tiny words, spoken in the warmth of mixed body heat and the privacy of darkness, could make Torn feel like a new man.

 

It was also funny how those same three words could destroy him so thoroughly.

 

He never stuck around too long in the mornings where he woke up beside Jak. He often tried to leave before the kid woke up.

 

So obviously that’s what he did when he woke up next to Jak this morning. He silently gathered his clothes and left the apartment as if he were nothing more than a ghost.

 

But, oh…did he want to stay…

 

He wanted to wake up together, be the first thing Jak saw when he opened his eyes. He wanted to shower together, to cook for him in his kitchen, and force his lazy ass to get to work on time.

 

 

He wanted to tell him those three little words…to speak them as softly and earnestly as they had been spoken to him.

 

But he couldn’t…because that was something only Reise could do…

 

…and Reise was a blue wig, brown contacts, and makeup.

 

 

He always returned to his apartment, early in the morning, to remove his costume and reveal the face behind the mask. The one he now began to despise.

 

The face of a child who endured so much hatred, the teen who murdered his own brother and shamed his parents, and the adult, so desperate for love, he degraded himself over and over for a man who never saw him as anything but a means to an end.

 

 His guilt, his sadness, his anger…his shame…

 

Reise knew none of it.

 

He looked in the mirror, and saw the monster staring back at him…

The monster wore his true face and it smirked back at him as it mocked, **_You will never say those three little words to him. You wanna know why?_**

****

The monster leaned forward, close to its glass prison before it hissed, **_Because if you really loved him, you wouldn’t be hurting him like a selfish prick._**

****

Torn shook his head and clenched his eyes shut tight, “Go away…”

 

**_You are such a coward._ **

****

“Stop it...” He grasped the sides of his head, “Leave me alone!”

 

**_You are no good…_ **

****

“Stop it…”

 

**_Traitor…_ **

****

**_Liar…_ **

****

**_Unlovable_ ** **_…_ **

****

**_Sick!_ **

****

**_Pervert!!_ **

****

**_COWARD!!_ **

****

**“SHUT  UP!!”** he smashed his fist against the mirror, glass embedded itself in his hands, but everything was numbed by the pain in his chest.

 

**_Let him go Tori…_ **

_I can’t…_

**_This isn’t right…_ **

****

_I know…_

**_If you truly loved him…_ **

****

_I need to let him go…_

_It’s not right…_

_It’s not right…_

_It’s too late._

 

* * *

 

 

 

“-and make sure you actually log all of the vents you find this time. Seriously, why do you even have a com if you never use half of its main functions?”

 

Jak was barely tuning in…

 

He usually listened intently to whatever Torn was talking about, but today his mind was…elsewhere. Specifically in the direction of blue hair, brown eyes, and legs that went on for fucking miles.

 

Reise was the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Hands down!

 

Jak smiled to himself, remembering the previous night he spent with Reise…when he first told him “I love you”. It was difficult for him to say, but it was absolutely true.

 

“Jak! Did you hear a single word I just said?”

 

Jak jolted to attention, “Record any eco vents, use my com more, and….uh…”

Torn sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “And stay with-”

 

“Stay with my squad! I know,” He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Torn had been a broken record about staying with his assigned team, but honestly, they just slowed him down. When he first decided to work in the new Freedom guard at Ashelin’s request, he honestly expected it to be just like old times. He would get an assignment from Torn, explore whatever area he was sent to, and cause as much chaos as possible before completing the mission.

 

Instead, he was stuck walking single-file like a robot and getting ordered around by whatever mini-Torn he was paired with. Though, he had to admit…this job did have its perks…like the secret texts to Reise, the sexy calls with Reise, and the ever present possibility of being on an assignment with Reise.

 

Speaking of which…

 

“Hey Torn, do you know a specialist named Reise?”

 

He expected a look of confusion from the older man, maybe even a question of how Jak knew that name…

 

He didn’t expect the flash of panic and for Torn to go slightly paler than normal.

 

“Um…yeah, why?” Torn looked away from Jak and started doing…something with his com.

 

“Well, I just wanted to know what kind of missions he gets.” He tried to look Torn in the eye, but the older man seemed to be keen on avoiding eye contact. Torn cleared his throat and continued doing…stuff, “He’s a…recon agent.”

 

 “Do you think I could…I mean, can I work with him? Like, when’s his next mission? I can assist him on it.”

Torn looked up at him now, face blank and eyes searching, “Why the sudden interest in your coworkers?”

 

 _Coworker implies that I‘ve actually **worked** with Reise_, Jak mentally retorted before shrugging and answering, “Just…I’ve been hanging out with him and…well, I think we could work well together. So, maybe you can assign me to the same group as-”

 

“No.” His answer was flat and simple, honestly not very un-Torn-like, but still pretty strange to Jak. He watched as Torn returned to doing something on his com, completely disengaging from the conversation.

 

 “Why not!?”

 

“Because Reise is a Recon agent. He works alone.”

 

“I thought he was a specialist, and they work in groups. That’s what you said when you first gave me this job right?”

 

Torn seemed to be taken aback. He opened his mouth, then closed it as if he was trying to come up with a valid reason for his decision. When he seemed to snap out of the shock, he frowned and crossed his arms, “You get different jobs-”

 

“You said that all specialists do recon, **reconnaissance** and **reclamation** , at least that’s what you said **I’d** be doing, minus demolition.”

 

“I really don’t have time to discuss this with you right now-”

 

“Yeah well, you never have time.”

 

Torn narrowed his eyes in confusion, ”What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Jak scowled up at his friend, a look of annoyance and hurt briefly crossing his face, “You’ve been really moody lately. I mean, it’s not like we hang out after work or anything, but you at least used to have conversations with me. Recently, you barely look at me, you don’t say anything to me outside of the details of my assignment, it’s like you try to get rid of me as soon as possible.”

 

Torn was silent. He stared at Jak, with a look of conflict and regret…which honestly made no sense in Jak’s eyes. “I…” Torn stopped and let out a tired sigh, “We’re both busy, Jak…I don’t have time for social calls.”

 

“That can’t be healthy, Torn…um, mentally I mean.” Jak softened his gaze, honestly concerned for his friend. No one had seen Torn outside of his office for a while now. Jak had a small suspicion that it had to do with his and Ashelin’s break up. “Cooping yourself up in this office all day? Running off at random times without saying a word to anyone? I’m not the only one who’s worried about you, ya know.”

 

“Yeah well,” Torn glared at the ground, avoiding eye contact, “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

 

“Is something going on with you?”

 

“No, I’m perfectly-”

 

“Why do you keep avoiding my eyes?”

 

“That’s not-”

 

“Can you please just tell me what’s going on?”

 

Torn's eyes darkened a bit, “You would never understand.”

 

Jak glared right back at Torn, “Try me! In case you didn’t know, I’ve been through quite a LOT of shit. I fuckin’ dare you to find something that I ‘wouldn’t understand’ in your arsenal of life vomit!”

 

“ FUCKING FINE!” Torn slammed his hands down on his desk, making Jak jump slightly. He must have regretted the outburst because he softened up and sighed, “If I put you and…Reise on a mission together, will you please drop this and leave me the fuck alone?”

 

Jak nodded, immediately becoming very quiet as to not anger Torn further.

 

Torn huffed something to himself before typing on his com, “I have Reise scheduled for a scouting mission tomorrow at Bone Island. One of those Dark metal heads was allegedly spotted by a scientist and naturally we need to check it out. That work for you?”

 

Jak  nodded again, “Thanks.” He turned to walk out of the room, pausing to call over his shoulder, “I’ll catalog the vents and get back to you in an hour.” With that, he left the room, the automatic door swishing to a close behind him.

 

Torn sighed and slumped back into his office chair; once again he was left alone. He ran a hand over his face before grabbing his com and giving himself the day off tomorrow.

 

**_I love you…_ **

****

Those three little words buzzed in his brain like a hive of wumpbees, while they simultaneously warmed his heart and broke it.

 

_He loves me…he actually said he loves me._

**_I love you…_ **

****

_He wasn’t supposed to love me…_

**_I love you…_ **

****

_He wasn’t supposed to fall even deeper…_

**_I…love…you…_ **

****

_I wasn’t supposed to either…_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Torn patiently waited outside the transport that would take him and Jak to Bone Island. He was starting to regret not wearing any armor other than his metal plated boots and gloves, but the only armor he owned belonged to Commander Torn.

 

Though, he briefly wondered if he should have work the armor as an intentional slipup, to make Jak realize his ruse and end it himself.

 

_Because I’m too much of a coward to ever do the right thing._

“REISE!!”

 

He barely had time to turn before he caught a blonde projectile that almost knocked him into the port with an overly eager embrace. “Careful, dumbass!!” He managed to steady his footing, “You wanna drown me before we even start the damn mission?”

 

Jak smiled cheekily up at him before teasing, “I was testing your reaction time. You should thank me.” His voice took a more seductive tone and Torn felt his heart already start ripping itself apart.

 

“Maybe I should thank you by tossing your ass in the port and finishing the mission myself?” He smirked as Jak pouted cutely and leaned down to give him a small kiss on the forehead, “Let’s get moving sweetheart, I wanna get back before dark.” He pulled away from Jak and boarded the transport; Jak followed behind and they were off.

 

After a short 10 minute flight, the transport dropped them off on the landing platform just outside the testing facility. Torn grabbed his scanner and started eying the perimeter outside of the secret complex. He was slightly relieved that Jak decided to enter his “mission mode”. The blond had his gun up and glanced attentively around; looking for any hostiles that Torn may have missed.

 

Once he deemed the outside to be safe Torn motioned for Jak to follow him and moved to the secret entrance leading to the zoomer testing grounds. The rock wall opened with ease, as did the inner lockout doors. Once they entered the inner testing track, Torn got out the motion sensor, watching it unfold itself and glow to life.

 

“This thing should let us know if anything comes within a 100 meter radius of our position. Keep your eyes peeled and watch my six.”

 

“Can do! Especially with such a nice six.”

 

**_This is wrong…_ **

 

Torn could almost feel Jak’s leering gaze on his rump…but instead of flattered, he felt sick, “Try not to get distracted kid, this is serious.”

 

He heard Jak laugh behind him, “Ya know, I almost assumed you were a mini-Torn during work hours…thought it’s kinda weird to actually confirm it.”

 

He had to stop, “Mini-Torn?” He raised a brow and gave Jak an unamused glare, “Is that what you’ve been calling m-his lieutenants?”

 

Jak shrugged, “Well, they all kinda act like him. Not saying that’s a bad thing, it’s just…odd.”

 

Torn rolled his eyes, “It’s called ‘military’ sweetheart. Now shut up and do your job, I hate this place when night falls.”

 

“Awww, is someone scared of the dark?”

 

“No, but I can assure that you will be if we don’t hurry up.”

 

That seemed to silent Jak, as he stopped talking and instead focused on scanning.

 

They walked along the track, Torn’s eyes glued to the scanner while Jak’s watched the trees and rocks for signs of movement.

 

By the time the circled the whole perimeter, it was sunset. Torn sighed and took one last look around with his eyes, seeing nothing. “If anything was here, it’s gone now.” He turned to Jak, seeing him visibly relax and lower his gun.

 

Torn smiled and shut off the motion sensor, “Let’s go back to the transport and set up the new alarms, they should let us know if we missed-”

 

**“GrrrrRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!”**

The horrible roar pieced Torn’s ears, forcing him to cover them. Jak did the same, but only for a moment before they both saw a huge beast charging at them. Torn was barely able to grab his pistol before it snatched him up in its teeth filled maw. He felt the creature’s small, yet sharp teeth close around his midsection, piercing his flesh.

 

“FUCK!!” Thankfully, it seemed that the teeth weren’t used for tearing flesh apart, just holding prey until it could be killed.

 

In a panic, Torn pounded his fists on the beast’s nose, trying desperately to locate its eyes.

 

He heard Jak scream his name, or rather “Reise’s”, name and watched as he started shooting at the creature, aiming for its eyes. Thankfully, he landed a lucky shot in its left eye before it could do any real damage.

 

The creature let out a cry of pain, effectively dropping Torn on the ground. Torn landed right on his ass and immidiatly rolled away, trying to gain some distance between him and the monster. He pulled out his pistol and fired at the corrupted metal head from behind a rock.

 

The Metal head was three times as large as a normal one, almost the size of the wasteland behemoths Torn heard about. Its body was a shape similar to an Ottsel’s, long and slender, but its entire form was covered in dark, crystalline, black plates that seemed to be impervious to Jak’s bullets.

 

Torn felt his heart jump to his throat when the creature advanced on him with the intention of finishing the job.

 

“HEY!!”

 

Jak used his wave concussor to knock the creature off its feet and confirm who the real threat to it was, “Don’t you FUCKING touch him!!” Dark eco sparked around Jak’s form as he shot at the creature, but this time he wasn’t quick enough.

 

The creature whipped a long, spiked tail at Jak, successfully knocking him back a few feet before it pounced on him. It’s huge maw opened and Jak had just enough time to stick his gunstaff vertically between the jaws to keep them from closing around him.

 

The creature grasped at Jak with its clawed paws and hissed as it attempted to crush Jak’s gun to free itself.

 

Torn watched in horror as time seemed to slow down. The creature was close to overpowering Jak. It COULD overpower him in seconds!!

 

It could **KILL** Jak!!

 

**_I love you…_ **

 

 

Torn knew he had to move **FAST**!

 

Quickly, Torn leapt out from behind his cover and charged at the monster, vaulting up on its back. He grabbed a small dagger stuffed in his boot and plunged it into the creature’s other eye, completely blinding it.

 

The creature reared up off of Jak and reached around with one of its massive paws. Torn felt searing pain as the creature’s claws embedded in his side as it ripped him off its back. He felt the creature’s claws drag across his side, tearing through his flesh as it threw him against the metal door of the complex.

 

The creature then rounded on Jak again and launched itself at him, jaws wide open.

 

Jak clapped his hands together and froze time before he fired a peacemaker shot right at the creature’s open mouth. When time unfroze, the shot blasted into the creature’s mouth and out the back of its head, leaving a gaping hole and killing it instantly. The creatures body slammed against the ground…defeated.

 

Torn sat up against the door, grabbing his side as blood started soaking his shirt.

He stared at the creature’s lifeless body, as realization of what just happened dawned on him.

 

Jak ran over to him and was shouting something, but Torn couldn’t look away from the creature, couldn’t hear anything but white noise. Jak put himself in danger…for him.

 

“REISE!!”

 

Jak could’ve died…He could’ve died right in front of him...

 

Jak would’ve died for him…

 

Because Jak _loved_ him…

 

**_I love you…_ **

 

Torn jolted and turned to Jak, seeing the panic and fear in the blonde’s face as he grabbed the sides of his face, “Are you ok?! Fuck, it got you!! Come on, we need to get you to a hospital!”

 

He couldn’t speak. He just stared…stared at the currently messy blonde hair, ocean blue eyes that were tearing up, dirt and blood stained skin, and slightly ripped clothes.

 

And he realized at that moment how deep he had truly fallen.

 

**_I love you…_ **

**_I LOVE you!_ **

**_I love YOU!!_ **

**_I LOVE YOU!!_ **

He leaned forward and smashed their lips together, not caring how one of Jak’s teeth cut his lip or how the kiss itself was messy.

 

He could’ve died!

JAK could have DIED!

All because he loved him!

 

He never saw it before…the uncertainty, the unpredictability…the reality of what could happen every time he sent Jak out to what could possibly be his grave.  He might never be able to send him on missions again…EVER!

 

Jak would’ve died for him…

 

He would’ve died for a liar…a coward…a scumbag…

 

…all because he was in love with a lie.

 

Jak broke the kiss and tried to get his attention, bring him back to reality, but he didn’t want to come back. He wanted to keep kissing Jak.

 

He never wanted anything like this to happen to him again, EVER!!!

 

He threw all his weight against Jak, nearly knocking him over as he threw his arms around Jak’s shoulders and buried his face in the blonde’s neck.

 

He breathed in Jak’s scent as the blonde returned the embrace, still trying to be mindful of his injuries. _Is this… love? Is this what I’m feeling? This need to protect, the desire to be protected, the urge to be held by him, the fear of losing him? I can’t lose him…_

“Reise…”

_I **CANT** lose him!!_

“C’mon babe…”

**_I CANT LOSE HIM TOO!!_ **

“Baby please, what’s wrong!?”

 

_He was never mine to lose…_

He knew now, that this truly was the end. This lie had spun so far out of control that he needed to forget about keeping his friendship with Jak and instead try to focus on damage control so he couldn’t get hurt even more than he already was.

 

He was being selfish…holding onto him like this, stretching the seconds into minutes…desperately clawing at this one last spark of happiness.

 

Jak was so warm…he was so gentle…Torn felt his eyes begin to water…felt the stagnant tears begin to form.

 

And he didn’t care anymore.

 

He was sick and tired of holding back the floodgates, so he stepped aside and let his tears finally pour. He sobbed openly against Jak’s neck, his entire form trembled. He felt Jak relax and squeeze his hips as he pulled him closer, pressing their bodies together as he trailed small kisses over Torn’s shoulder.

 

He felt so right…and so wrong…so safe…so vulnerable…so wanted…so useless.

So loved…

So alone…

 

It was wrong…his feelings were wrong…Jak didn’t deserve this…a partner who was deceiving him…who was living two separate lives…who never was supposed to exist at all…

 

Jak deserved so much better. He was hurting him so much by continuing like this. He couldn’t do it anymore…

 

He fell too deep and finally hit the floor…and reality caught up to him, at last.

 

He knew what he had to do now…but if he was going to do it…he was at least going to be honest with himself at least this once.

 

“Va yal ti…” he whispered the words against Jak’s neck before placing a small kiss to it.

“Huh?”

 

Torn sat back and gripped Jak’s shoulders, pressing their foreheads together as he whispered, “Va yal ti!” over and over again; he said it until he worked up enough courage to say what he really wanted to.

 

Jak shook his head and gripped the sides of his face, forcing Torn to look at him, “What does that mean?”

 

Torn felt more tears trail down his face…down Reise’s face…down a fake face, “I love you…”

 

The air felt too thick; he felt like it was choking him, but when he saw Jak’s face light up and soften at the same time as he whispered, “You do?”, he felt like it may actually kill him.

 

“I do...” He closed his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek to keep his lip from trembling, “I do…more than anything I’ve ever known before…but I shouldn’t. I’m sorry that I fell in love. I’m so sorry I let this drag on longer than it should have. Fuck, I’m so selfish!” He kept his eyes closed, knowing that if he saw the hurt, confusion, or anger in Jak’s eyes it would keep him from saying what needed to be said.

 

“I’m wrong Jak… _this_ is wrong…I’m…I’m messed up inside, no good for you. I’m sick…I’m so tired…I’m so bad. I love you so much it hurts to be near you. I love you, but I can’t keep hurting you.” He opened his eyes now, seeing the hurt and confusion that he was so afraid of seeing in Jak’s eyes.

 

Jak swiped his thumbs under his eyes, most likely smudging his eye makeup, “What are you talking about? Reise…you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me! I love you too, exactly as you described it! And if anyone is “no good” or “messed up inside” around here, it’s me.” He leaned forward and captured Torn’s lips in another kiss, and it felt more like a brand.

 

When he broke the kiss Jak slid his hands from Torn’s face to his neck and smiled at him, “I love you, Reise. No matter what, I’ll always love you, I mean it.” He leaned forward and planted one last kiss to Torn’s lips before laughing softly, “You could never hurt me.”

 

Torn felt his heart drop to his stomach and laughed humorlessly. He clenched his hands, and stared at Jak, giving him one last sad smile, “You’re right Jak…Reise can’t hurt you.” He rubbed his eyes against his shirt sleeve, pulling it back…to see one of the contacts came out. He easily took out the other one too.

 

_No going back._

 

He pushed himself away from Jak and stood to his feet, “Because he isn’t real. He never was…and even though I want him to be so badly, he never will be. Reise was a disguise Jak…a shield. I used him to feed my selfish desires for you, but I can’t anymore. I can’t do it to you anymore. I love you so much, I just want you to be happy, even if it means…that I’m not.”

 

Jak stood up and stared at him with a blank expression, “What are you talking about?”

 

He reached up behind his ear to the secret release button hidden there…pressed it twice…and pulled off the wig. It took only a couple seconds to shake out his dreads before they naturally fell into place, “There was never a ‘Reise’, Jak.” He let the wig fall to the ground, “It’s only me.”

 

He used up his last ounce of courage to look Jak in the eye, and saw what he had expected to see…

 

Confusion…

 

Anger…

 

Disgust…

 

So many other emotions swirled in Jak’s expression, but those were the three he could pick out amongst them.

“Y….you….”

 

Torn stood there, steeling himself for a beating…or possibly death…for no less than what he deserved, “Me.”

 

It never came.

 

Instead, he felt the rush of wind on his face as Jak’s form was engulfed with white light. Torn looked away, and when he looked back, Jak was already flying away on his eco wings, leaving Torn alone…permanently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers: Panic attack, lots of angst, depressing thoughts, low self-esteem. Bad times all around, loves.


	10. You make me happy; when skies are grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! Sorry this took a while. I'm in the midst of my internship right now, so between working 9 hours a day AND having schoolwork on top of it, I've been kinda stressed.
> 
> However, I managed to crap this out just to give yall some sort of closure for at least this cliffhanger. Don't expect the next chapter soon, it wont probably by written until may-july. It's the healing process now.
> 
> Please leave me a comment, they always make me smile and motivate me, and I just want to say thanks for everyone's support!!! I didnt think this story would be well-received but so far I've received no negative feedback!! Thanks for being so awesome and see yall in the summer!!!

Jak flew towards the only safe place he knew…a place where no one could get hurt by him, where he could take out his anger without hurting anyone. He flew high over the remains of Dead town and landed near Samos’s old hut.

 

Then he went dark.

 

If someone stood on top of the city wall, they would be able to see the black and purple sparks of light, and he was certain the people just beyond the wall could faintly hear his enraged screams.

 

Jak shots blasts of dark eco at the crumbling stone ruins, successfully making them even more decrepit than they usually were. He slashed at the rocks fruitlessly with his claws and screamed his throat raw.

 

Then he ran out of eco…and he was still so **fucking angry**!

 

He paced back and forth, gritting his teeth to keep from yelling at the rocks; certainly they’ve been through enough. He wanted to scream though…wanted to punch something…punch some **one**.

 

Reise was Torn…

 

REISE…was TORN!!

 

Why the fuck was Reise actually Torn?!

 

Jak growled low in his throat and threw a punch at a wall, pausing for a moment, before he began pummeling his fists against the wall. He was numb to the pain in his knuckles and blind to the splotches of blood beginning to appear on the wall.

 

He tried not to imagine that the wall was Torn’s face, but it was getting increasingly hard not to.

 

It made no sense…it just made no fucking sense to him!!  


Why the fuck was Torn pretending to be some dude named Reise? Why was he in that club in the first place? Why did Torn pretend he didn’t know him? Why? WHY? **WHY?!**

 

Jak dropped his bloody hands and stared at the wall, blankly…

  _Why did he kiss me? Why did he sleep with me?_

_...Why would he date me?_

Jak dropped to his knees, his head pounding from all the confusion, anger, and hurt.

 

**_Reise was a disguise, Jak…_ **

****

He clenched his fists as the pain in his heart grew, “why?”

 

**_He isn’t real. He never was…_ **

****

“WHY?!” He felt the first hot tears trail down his cheeks as anger boiled inside him, fighting with the sadness for the dominant emotion.

 

**_I used him to feed my selfish desires for you…_ **

****

“What the fuck did he mean?!”

 

**_I’m messed up inside, no good for you. I’m sick…I’m so tired…I’m so bad…_ **

****

“I don’t understand…”

 

**_I love you so much, I just want you to be happy, even if it means…that I’m not…_ **

****

“ I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!”

 

**_I love you…I’m wrong…Fuck, I’m so selfish!_ **

**_I love you, but I can’t keep hurting you…_ **

****

Jak slammed his fists on the cold stone floor as he clenched is eyes shut tight…but not enough to keep the tears from falling.

 

**_There was never a ‘Reise’, Jak…_ **

****

“Torn…”  


**_It’s only me._ **

****

“Fuck…”

 

* * *

 

 

After picking up and readjusting his wig, Torn barely made it back to the transport. Luckily the slashes on his right side weren’t fatal and probably just needed bandaging…but those injuries were nothing compared to the absolute mess that was his mind.

 

He felt…relieved. As if a boulder had been lifted off of him.

 

He did the right thing telling Jak. It was long overdue…

 

…but in telling him, Torn had removed the bandage that covered the festering wounds he had ignored for so long. The dam broke, and there was no ignoring the mess that came with it.

 

But that could be dealt with in the morning…for now he needed to worry about his external injuries.

 

* * *

 

 

Ashelin expected to be doing a lot of things once she reached her apartment door. She finally finished her final meeting with the council for the week, sent off the last few construction permits from Torn, and was nearly starving from only eating a piece of toast and half a granola bar all day.

                                                                                                                                              

In her future, she saw a nice microwave meal, long bubble bath with maybe a glass of wine, and a little TV as she passed out on the couch.

 

As she stepped off the elevator to her floor, she did not expect to see her military Commander sitting outside her apartment, with his knees pulled up to his chest and his head resting on them as his shoulders shook-

 

Wait…was he crying?

 

Ashelin slowly walked over to Torn, briefly wondering if it was really him before she kneeled down, “Torn? Hey, you ok?”

 

When he looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes adorned with smeared eye-make-up, all her words vanished from her head. He was wearing the tattoo concealer, and his blue wig was crumpled beside him on the carpet, but he was also…bleeding?! “What the f- Are you ok?! What happened?”

 

He just shook his head and said with a shaky voice that only added to Ashelin’s confusion, “No…no I’m not ok Ashe…I fucked up, bad.” He bit his bottom lip and his face scrunched up, as if he was trying to stop an outburst, “C-can I please just come inside?”

 

A thousand possible scenarios about what could have happened whirled through her head at that moment, but none of them prevented her from helping her dearest friend who was falling apart right in front of her. She helped Torn up, quickly punched in her key code and ushered them both inside, heading right to the bathroom.

 

Ashelin helped Torn up onto the counter and quickly retrieved her first aid kit from the cupboards. Neither of them said a word to the other as Ashelin removed Torn’s tunic and cleaned the wounds on his side.

 

“Huh…Torn, what’s this?”

 

Torn turned to her, “What?”

 

Ashelin prodded at one of the slash marks, “I’ve never seen this scar before; it looks like some sort of insignia?”

 

Torn knew what she was talking about, “It’s…it was my gang mark.”

 

“Oh? Well, one of the cuts slashed right through it.”

 

His eyes widened and he quickly turned around to look in the mirror behind him. Indeed, the topmost gash went right through the SL symbol. He stared at it, feeling another spike of relief.

 

It was almost like a sign…a confirmation that he needed to wash his past mistakes away and heal. He let out a tired laugh, his shoulders trembled as more laughs made their way out of him. He laughed until the laughter turned into sobs.

 

Ashelin felt lost…so she did what she knew she could and bandaged his wounds before helping him remove his make-up.

 

It seemed that they would have a lot to talk about, and Torn didn’t need to add messy make-up to his list of problems.

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours later, Ashelin and Torn sat on her living room couch. Two steaming cups of coffee sat in front of them, and Torn was no longer crying; which…honestly freaked Ashelin out because she had NEVER seen Torn cry even once! To be honest she didn’t think it was even possible for him…

 

She sipped her coffee slowly, anxiously waiting for Torn to speak first. She didn’t want to force him into spilling the beans since that would probably make him shut down completely.

 

They sat like that for about 30 minutes before Torn finally broke the silence.

 

“I fucked up,” He sighed and shifted so he was sitting cross-legged, “I’m sorry, I know I should’ve listened to you and I promised you that I would tell him but…I…I’m so sorry.”

 

Ashelin’s eyes widened, “Are you talking about Jak?” When he didn’t answer Ashelin let out a frustrated sigh, “Fuck, Torn what did you do?”

 

“Much worse than you think.” He made an effort not to look at her because he knew he wouldn’t be able to speak if he saw the disappointment in her eyes, “I tried to, Ashe…that night, weeks ago, I had every intention of telling him what happened and breaking it off.” He clenched his fists, “But then he said that he broke up with his girlfriend and that he wanted to…be with me and I…I just couldn’t resist it.”

 

“I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t have slept with him…but I just…I-” He felt his eyes water again and stopped speaking. Silence hung in the air, and Ashelin’s fear of breaking it was stronger than her curiosity.

After 10 torturous minutes, Torn spoke again, “I wanted to know what it felt like…being with someone who you want and who actually wants you back. I’ve never had that…I thought I did once with…with Erol…but it was all a lie. With you, the love was there but the passion wasn’t, and Ashe….fuck…” He pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes, “It felt so good. It felt right, and for once I didn’t feel like a complete loser.”

 

“I know it was wrong, but he just kept wanting to meet up. We started dating. I started living two lives, one that was a perfect lie and one that was a waking nightmare. It was like a drug. I was addicted to the love he gave me and the freedom from my emotional tar pit.”

 

He stopped, dragging his hands across his face briefly as he steeled himself to keep from breaking down again, “But…it was still wrong. I was lying to him, and I couldn’t do it anymore so I…I told him…tonight.” He huffed a humorless chuckle, “I’m lucky he didn’t kill me.”

 

Ashelin finally let out the breath she was holding and muttered, “I’ll say…” She sighed and paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts, “Torn…”

 

“Wait, that’s not all…” He turned his body to face her, still avoiding eye contact, “It’s…not even the reason why I’m here. Breaking up with Jak…revealing to him what I really am…it was exactly what I needed.” He clasped his hands together , “Ashe…I’m ready to talk to you.”

 

And so Torn sat there across from his greatest friend, an open book for her to read.

 

He told her about his parents, his childhood bullying, his grandparents and how they disrespected his mother and father at their own funeral…

 

He told her about joining the gang, starting his sex addiction, and how horrible he was to his brothers…

 

He told her about Arippa, and how he played a part in his death.

 

And finally, he told her the full story of what happened with Erol. How his deceased ex played with his feelings and used him not just for sex, but to further his own career. How the corrupted guard would cheat on him constantly, then emotionally manipulate Torn into thinking it was his fault…because **he** couldn’t satisfy Erol.

 

And finally, when Torn made Captain, Erol forced him to get him promoted, since the only way to really advance was to be recommended by one of the other captains. Torn was promoted because the Captains who trained him saw his leadership qualities and talent for strategizing. Torn did everything he could to convince the other Captains that Erol belonged with them…even going as far as to lie about Erol’s Achievements and embellish his qualities.

 

As soon as Erol was promoted, he kicked Torn to the curb.

 

“He said…that I was ‘a means to an end’…and that he wouldn’t ‘give up his dreams for some Icer’.”

 

Ashelin’s face scrunched up in anger, “That fucking asshole!! Why didn’t you report him?”

 

Torn shrugged, “It would’ve outed me for being deceitful? I did a LOT of lying and embellishing to get him in, and reporting him would’ve tanked me too. Besides, for as huge of an asshole as he was, Erol had a way with people.”

 

Ashelin sighed, “True…still, that sucks balls.”

 

“Yup.” Torn leaned back against the couch, staring at his coffee mug that had long since gone cold.

 

“So,” Ashelin downed the last sip of her coffee and set the mug down before asking, “What now? You said that you’ve been to therapy and it hasn’t helped, so what does that leave?”

 

“I’ve been to Haven therapists before…I’m thinking of maybe a change of scenery.” He finally looked at Ashelin’s face, “I…I think I need to…go, Ashe. I can’t do my job like this…I can’t do much of anything like this.”

 

“Well, the good news is you have a LOT of vacation days saved up. In fact, you have all your vacation days saved up…because you’ve never taken a vacation.” Ashelin smirked playfully at him, and he tried his best to return a half-genuine smile before asking, “How long?”

 

“I can give you three weeks. Unfortunately, I can’t give you more, but that should be enough time to at least figure some of your shit out.” Ashelin gave him an empathetic look and placed a hand on his knee, “Go…do what you need to do, we’ll wait for you, and I promise that when you get back you won’t have to face this alone.”

 

Torn smiled at her, for real, and leaned over, pulling her into a hug, “Thanks Ashe…I don’t know what I would do without you.”

 

“Don’t thank me, because when you get back, I’m making you take over the rest of the construction details in my place.”

 

_Of course…_

 

Torn let out a small laugh, “I deserve it.”

 

“Yes you do.” She squeezed him one more time before they broke apart, “So…you have any idea where you’ll go?”

 

Torn stilled and sighed sadly, “Yeah…” He looked up at the ceiling with a smile, “I do.

 

* * *

 

 

As Torn packed his things, he felt a moment of clarity. There was no way Jak would see him right now, and frankly Torn would rather stay alive for at least a couple more hours…just until he reached his destination.

 

But he needed to let Jak know…

Wanted him to understand why he left…

 

So he sat down at his kitchen counter, pulled out a pen and paper, and started to write…

 

He met Ashelin at the transport and gave her one final hug before handing her the sealed envelope. When she raised a brow in confusion, he simply told her, “When he wants answers from me…give him this.” She nodded and hugged him once more before letting him step past her onto the transport.

 

* * *

 

 

“G’night Teari.”

 

“Night boys! Be safe out there, I don’t wanna find ya passed out in the snow again.”

 

Tear waved at his last two regulars before he was left alone in the big empty tavern. He sighed in relief as he slumped down into one of the stools. “Ugh, I swear, I’m still feelin’ the effects of the holiday rush.” He thumped his head against the bar counter and groaned in exhaustion, “I forgot how busy Ephirya gets for the bars heh.”

 

“That’s because we’ve never celebrated Ephirya in this Tavern.” Krysa, the waitress/maid chuckled lightly as she swept up the floor, “Good thing you had enough sense to hire some extra help. Oof, I swear if we didn’t have Echko durin’ that week, I would’ve impaled you on this mop.”

 

Tear gave a tired snort, “Not before I drowned you in the mead.” He heard a hard knocking on the front door and groaned in defeat, “Whyyyyyyy?! Why did I not invest in an open/closed sign?” He pulled himself from the counter and staggered over to the door, already preparing to put on a cheery smile as he turned away whatever drunk was outside.

 

He opened the door already smiling, but he froze when he saw who exactly it was on the other side.

 

“Hey, Cheilo.” Torn gave his brother a small smile, though the cold was starting to get to him through the light jacket he wore.

 

Tear’s face fell to a neutral expression before it scrunched up into one of pure joy. Torn saw his twin’s eyes start welling with tears, and felt his own doing the same. _Damn twin telepathy._

 

He had barely enough time to brace himself as Tear launched his thinner body at him, wrapping arms and legs around his body and bawling against his shoulder. Torn grabbed his twin around the waist to support his body and squeezed tight.

 

They stayed that way until Tear finally released him and dragged him inside before they both died of hypothermia. Once inside, Tear exploded in an avalanche of questions, barely able to get them out through his sobs of happiness.

 

Torn just shut him up with a kiss to the cheek and pulled him against his body again, reveling in the feeling of actually holding his brother in his arms, smelling his pine needle and honey scent, and grounding himself in the warmth he felt from the real body pressing against him.

 

It’s been years since he had done this…and the contact was almost too much to bear, but it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

 

He finally pulled his head back, touching their foreheads together as Tear sniffled away the last of his tears.

 

He gazed at his brother’s sweet smile lovingly, even though his face was a mess at the moment. Tear beamed, “You’re here…”

 

Torn smiled and nodded, “I’m home.”


End file.
